Help with my query for THE FINAL CLUE

[cher311]

Hello everyone,

This site was highly recommended to me. As I'm working on the final polish of my novel, I'm in need of help with my query. I would appreciate your critique's. Thank you, and I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you.

New York City, officer Gina Russo fired a shot in self-defense. It set off an explosion that killed career criminal William Nicolas Mancuso, who incinerated. At least, that’s what she and fellow officers on the crime scene concluded.

Years later, now an FBI agent, Gina receives death threats and poems containing enigmatic clues, signed Mr. WNM. He seems to know everything from her scent of perfume to the heartbreak of her life. She’s furious. She can’t wait to nail the bastard into a wall of nails.

Joey Zicara, a handsome, but well-seasoned agent, is assigned to protect her. He immediately finds out he’s in for one hell of a ride seeing she’s stubborn and too smart for her own good. He’s worried for her safety and that his growing attraction for her will compromise his position.

Now she's webbed between the man who wants her life, and Joey, who wants her heart. However, with the intelligence of an experienced agent and the caution of a woman scorned, Gina hopes to elude both.

THE FINAL CLUE is a character-driven suspense novel with a touch of romance. It’s written with multiple pov’s and set at 100,000 words.

[Lily]

Hi there, Cher, and welcome. Your novel sounds intriguing, and makes one want to read more. I've reworked your query and come up with this:

"The Final Clue" is a 100,000 word suspense novel with a touch of romance.

When Police Officer Gina Russo fires a shot in self-defence it triggers an explosion, which kills career criminal William Nicolas Mancuso. At least, that's what she and fellow officers on the crime scene concluded from the charred remains.

Years later, now an FBI agent, Gina starts to receive death threats and poems containing enigmatic clues, signed WNM. He seems to know everything about her from the type of perfume she wears, to the heartbreak of her life. The shock, confusion and fear Gina feels, quickly turns to anger.

Charismatic agent, Joey Zicara, is assigned to protect her. He finds Gina reckless when it comes to her own safety, and worries that his growing attraction for her will compromise his judgement.

Now Gina is caught between WNM, the man who wants her life, and Joey, the man who wants her heart. But with the intelligence of an experienced agent and the caution of a woman scorned, Gina hopes to elude them both.

[cher311]

Hello Lilly,
Thank you so much. I love what you did with it. It's been a long road working on this query. I have had the hardest time with it. I finally feel I'm closer to getting it right. I sincerely appreciate your help.
Thanks again,
Cheryl

[Lily]

You're most welcome, Cher. That's what we're here for.

[cher311]

That's so kind of Lilly, thank you again.
The only thing I would have to change would be the fear. It's an eerie feeling. This is what I did based on your critique which is fitting for my novel. Please don't hesitate to let me know if it works or not.

Years later, now an FBI agent, Gina starts to receive death threats and poems containing enigmatic clues, signed Mr. WNM. He seems to know everything about her from the type of perfume she wears, to the heartbreak of her life. The shock, confusion, and eerie feelings Gina’s experiencing, quickly turns to anger.

[Lily]

Jul 15, 2012 18:03:09 GMT -5 cher311 said:

Years later, now an FBI agent, Gina starts to receive death threats and poems containing enigmatic clues, signed Mr. WNM. He seems to know everything about her from the type of perfume she wears, to the heartbreak of her life. The shock, confusion, and eerie feelings Gina’s experiencing, quickly turns to anger.

"Eerie" works fine, Cher. I thought that under the circumstances fear would be a natural reaction. But only you know your character and how you wish to portray her, so that it fits in with the story plot. You could also word it this way:

"The shock, confusion, and eerie feelings that engulf Gina, quickly turn to anger."

[cher311]

Hello again. I revised a few times and this is what I came up with.

Seven years ago, officer Gina Russo fired a shot in self-defense. It triggered the explosion that she thought killed and incinerated career criminal William Nicholas Mancuso‘s body.

Gina, now an FBI agent starts to receive death threats and poems that contain enigmatic clues, signed Mr.WNM. The clues hint at his identity and potential next moves. He knows everything from the type of perfume she wears, to the heartbreak of her life. Vulnerability, a feeling Gina’s not at all comfortable with quickly turns to anger.

Charismatic agent, Joey Zicara is assigned to protect her. He finds Gina reckless when it comes to her own safety, and worries that his growing attraction to her will compromise his judgment.

Now Gina’s caught between Mr.WNM, the man who wants her life, and Joey, the man who wants her heart. However, with her experience combined with the caution of a woman scorned. She hopes to elude them both.

The Final Clue is a 100,000 word suspense novel with a touch of romance.

[Lily]

Hi Cheryl, how about this?

Seven years ago, officer Gina Russo fired a shot in self-defense. It triggered the explosion believed to have incinerated career criminal William Nicholas Mancuso.

Now an FBI Agent, Gina starts to receive death threats and poems that contain enigmatic clues, signed Mr.WNM. The clues hint at his identity and potential next moves. He knows everything from the type of perfume she wears, to the heartbreak of her life. Vulnerability, a feeling Gina's not familiar with quickly turns to anger.

Charismatic agent, Joey Zicara is assigned to protect her. He finds Gina reckless when it comes to her own safety, and worries that his growing attraction to her will compromise his judgment.

Now Gina's caught between Mr.WNM, the man who wants her life, and Joey, the man who wants her heart. She hopes that with the experience of a seasoned agent, and the caution of a woman scorned to elude them both.

The Final Clue is a 100,000 word suspense novel with a touch of romance.

[cher311]

Lilly,

Thank you for tweaking it. I like what you did. It sounds better. You're so good at doing this. I can't wait until I'm good enough to offer help like you do.

Thank you so much,
Cheryl

[greg]

Hi Cheryl and welcome. I was hoping I'd see you here someday. :-)

[cher311]

Thank you Greg and thanks for inviting me here. Everyone is so nice and helpful. That's a nice picture of you. You look like an attorney with that pose. lol
Have a good night

[Lily]

Jul 19, 2012 19:32:22 GMT -5 cher311 said:

Lilly,

Thank you for tweaking it. I like what you did. It sounds better. You're so good at doing this. I can't wait until I'm good enough to offer help like you do.

Thank you so much,
Cheryl

You're most welcome, Cheryl.

[avery]

Good query, I wish you luck with it.

[cher311]

Hello Avery,

Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

Cheryl

[cher311]

Hi everyone,
I decided to play with the query again and this is what I've come up with. Not sure if it works or not.
Dear Agent,

Seven years ago, Officer Gina Russo fired a shot in self-defense that triggered an explosion incinerating career criminal William Nicolas Mancuso. At least, that’s what she thought.

Gina, now an FBI agent begins receiving death threats and poems that contain enigmatic clues, signed Mr. WNM. He knows everything from the type of perfume she wears, to the heartbreak of her life. Stunned and mad as hell, then she’s infuriated the bureau assigns a fellow FBI agent, the charismatic Joey Zicara to protect her.

Joey instantaneously sums her up as a beautiful, but difficult woman with an attitude that needs adjusting. Not only is he concerned his attraction to her will compromise his judgement, he finds her reckless when it comes to her own safety. Especially, after he stumbles across an ad in the newspaper that she posted in an attempt to contact WNM.

Gina is caught between Mr. WNM, the man who wants her life and Joey, the man who wants her heart. She hopes her experience as an agent and a woman scorned will be enough to elude them both.


THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000 word suspense novel with light romance.