Lily
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Posts: 2,197
Joined: May 2011
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Post by Lily on Aug 22, 2012 14:54:57 GMT -5
Stunned and mad as hell, then she’s infuriated the bureau assigns a fellow FBI agent, the charismatic Joey Zicara to protect her.
I think the letter is just fine. But I'd change the above to either:
"She is stunned and mad as hell and then infuriated, when the bureau...".
Or:
"Stunned and mad as hell, she's then infuriated when the bureau...."
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cher311
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Posts: 12
Joined: July 2012
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Post by cher311 on Aug 22, 2012 17:20:17 GMT -5
Lilly, thank-you. I will fix that. I wasn't sure if maybe it had much info. I know agents like them short and tight. If this one can work, then I'll feel good because I like this one because it gives a little more without being to wordy, I think, lol Thanks again for alway's coming to my rescue. I appreciated more than words can say.
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Lily
Administrator
Posts: 2,197
Joined: May 2011
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Post by Lily on Aug 22, 2012 18:01:08 GMT -5
You're most welcome, Cher. I like this version too. It's more streamlined than the others, cutting out unnecessary verbiage, while providing more relevant information. Good luck with your query.
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cher311
Member
Posts: 12
Joined: July 2012
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Post by cher311 on Sept 5, 2012 8:46:17 GMT -5
I wanted to try a bit of a different angle and see if it works better. Thanks for any feedback offered. It's greatly appreciated.
Dear Agent, Police officer Gina Russo and her fellow officers at the crime scene believed the person responsible for shooting at her was William Nicholas Mancuso, who was incinerated in the explosion triggered when she fired back in self-defense. They were dead wrong!
Gina, now an FBI agent, begins receiving death threats and poems containing enigmatic clues signed by a Mr. WNM. He knows everything, from the scent of her perfume to the heartbreak of her life. Each time she receives a poem. Shock and confusion quickly turn to anger. Joey Zicara, a top-notch agent who loves a challenge, gets more than he bargained for when he’s assigned to protect Gina. He’s attracted to her, but finds she’s as difficult as dealing with the clues that need to be figured out. It’s his only shot to nail the bastard, in order to keep her safe.
Gina’s mixed up in a bizarre game with Mr. WMN, and she’s stuck with Joey, a tough-ass agent with dimples that can captivate any woman’s attention. She hopes her experience as an agent and a woman scorned will be enough to beat WNM at his own game and will also protect her shattered heart from another disastrous relationship. But will it?
THE FINAL CLUE: A suspense novel with a touch of romance, and set at 100.000 words
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Post by bpublisher on Jan 17, 2013 22:53:24 GMT -5
Just one question. Why did you use multiple pov’s ? Very few name writers have used more than one. and not that often. I would think on that.
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