Just a snippet

[horseman]

Well here is a small piece from my novel. Im thinking, I need help with my puntuation. Remember this is a sci-fi novel, and some of these words are made up just for the alien creatures tongue. Ignore those for now... ;D


An echoing boom, in the distance behind them, interrupted the conversation. The creatures quickly gathered at the base of the cavern walls, and began to climb the sheer rock. Tan stood amazed, as he watched them.
“Bad Hooomuns coming here!” Rubach said, pointing in the direction the sound had came from. “We go to Tarn!”
“Wait,” said Sandy. “Where is this Tarn? How do we get there?”
Rubach pointed up the face of the rock wall to a large opening. The distance, spanned at least 500 feet from the floor to the opening.
“Tarn there!” he howled. “You come with us!”
“How can we get up there?” Tan asked, with a frantic tone in his voice. “We cant climb that. Its too high!”
Rubach, stopped and looked Sandy and Tan up and down, as if sizing them up for a new suit. He reached out with his huge hands and spun Sandy around. After grasping her armpits, he lifted her up over his head, placing her firmly on his huge shoulders, so that her legs dangled across his massive chest.
“You have got to be kidding!” Sandy screeched.
“What about me? We both cant ride!” Tan asked.
“Taloot will carry Tan Hoooomun,” Rubach said. “Taloot! Come!” he barked an order.

[bubblegum91]

Well done. The last line, "Taloot! Come!" he barked an order.
I would loose the "an order" as the dialogue and the tag already insinuate that Rubach is issuing an order.

[BlueLotus]

IDK Bubble he could just change the wording I think.

“Taloot! Come!” The (Insert title here) stood scowling as he barked his orders causing the people around him to spring into action.

Or something of that nature.

The real issue is there is no movement, no scene setting. At least for me. I understand this is just floating an Idea... But it has potential. A lot in fact, Military Fic is in atm.

But Horse, if you stop and think about every movie you have ever seen does one just stand there screaming orders? No, they are crouching over the guy crawling through the barbed-wire maze, or in the persons face yelling as spittle spays all over the listener.

Does that help at all? I know I am not very clear sometimes.

[horseman]

Thanks you all. It is a fact that I do tend to add a little too much to tags. Its also hard for me to tell how much of a piece put in these things. One, such as I put in here, would have been better if I had inserted a little more of the scene. "Anyway" thanks again, I'll note every word of your help.

[bubblegum91]

Glad to help horseman. And you're right BL, a little rewording works well.

[Richard]

Jan 8, 2012 20:58:52 GMT -5 horseman said:

Well here is a small piece from my novel. Im thinking, I need help with my puntuation. Remember this is a sci-fi novel, and some of these words are made up just for the alien creatures tongue. Ignore those for now... ;D


An echoing boom, in the distance behind them, interrupted the conversation. The creatures quickly gathered at the base of the cavern walls, and began to climb the sheer rock. Tan stood amazed, as he watched them.
“Bad Hooomuns coming here!” Rubach said, pointing in the direction the sound had came from. “We go to Tarn!”
“Wait,” said Sandy. “Where is this Tarn? How do we get there?”
Rubach pointed up the face of the rock wall to a large opening. The distance, spanned at least 500 feet from the floor to the opening.
“Tarn there!” he howled. “You come with us!”
“How can we get up there?” Tan asked, with a frantic tone in his voice. “We cant climb that. Its too high!”
Rubach, stopped and looked Sandy and Tan up and down, as if sizing them up for a new suit. He reached out with his huge hands and spun Sandy around. After grasping her armpits, he lifted her up over his head, placing her firmly on his huge shoulders, so that her legs dangled across his massive chest.
“You have got to be kidding!” Sandy screeched.
“What about me? We both cant ride!” Tan asked.
“Taloot will carry Tan Hoooomun,” Rubach said. “Taloot! Come!” he barked an order.

To be my picky self, I think instead of using the analogy of sizing them up for a new suit (since it is sci/fy it seems out of place) I would say "taking their measure."

The word armpits seems a little common casual to me. I like "grasping her under the arms, under her arms, by the arms, etc.

Unless I am mistaken, your punctuation needs adjustments. I always thought it should be done like this in dialogue:

“Bad Hooomuns coming here,” Rubach said pointing in the direction the sound had came from. “We go to Tarn!”

“Wait,” said Sandy. “Where is this Tarn? How do we get there?”

Rubach pointed up the face of the rock wall to a large opening. The distance, spanned at least 500 feet from the floor to the opening.

“Tarn there,” he howled. “You come with us!”

“How can we get up there,” Tan asked with a frantic tone in his voice. “We cant climb that. Its too high!”

Rubach, stopped and looked Sandy and Tan up and down, as if sizing them up for a new suit. He reached out with his huge hands and spun Sandy around. After grasping her armpits, he lifted her up over his head, placing her firmly on his huge shoulders, so that her legs dangled across his massive chest.

“You have got to be kidding,” Sandy screeched.

“What about me? We both cant ride,” Tan asked.

“Taloot will carry Tan Hoooomun,” Rubach said.

“Taloot, Come,” he barked an order.


As was mentioned before, adding imagery is always beneficial, but then again, this is only a snippet.

If I am incorrect in my punctuation changes, please let me know because this is how I write dialogue with punctuation only preceding quotations if no descriptions follow.

[horseman]

Thanks Richard, I do believe you are correct in your critique about the punctuation and the "taking their measure" line. I will check it over again and watch for those "out of place" analogies. Looks like in my introduction of this snippet above, I also need to take some spelling courses.......Geeeeesh... Thanks again

[Richard]

Jan 12, 2012 22:29:35 GMT -5 horseman said:

Thanks Richard, I do believe you are correct in your critique about the punctuation and the "taking their measure" line. I will check it over again and watch for those "out of place" analogies. Looks like in my introduction of this snippet above, I also need to take some spelling courses.......Geeeeesh... Thanks again

Keep it all in perspective. I'm not aware of one created piece of work, whether it is art, music, or literature that is universally accepted as is. Even my favorite writers say things in a way that I don't like at times, but I still love the overall story.

Punctuation is important. Other input is relative. Use what you can to make what you think is an improvement.

It certainly had the feel of a novel, just polish it up.