Post by kjawriting on Oct 31, 2011 22:39:46 GMT -5
Chapter I
Fall had chased summer away once again. The ground looked like a multi colored mosaic of things to come and the dead greenery reminded me of what had been killed along with everything else that used to be beautiful in this world. The yellow hues represented a calming, serene outlook on the year ahead. Reds covered the ground like a wounded lake. Come to think of it, there is nothing pleasant about the color red. Aside from the obvious connection to blood, it also meant to stop or that havoc was upon the masses.
The only havoc I foresaw was the first day of junior high.
The girls sprouted breasts and purchased their makeup several months before, and the boys came back with their slender bodies and crew cuts. I hadn’t changed a bit. When I left sixth grade I was considerably a larger person, and I entered my first day of seventh grade tipping the scales at 270, with glasses.
Junior high was a surreal time for me, as it was for everyone, but something about this year did not seem right. It didn’t help that I had developed an attraction for other guys. All I could think about was my pastor calling it a perversion and sickness when my parents found a Playgirl under my mattress and immediately brought me to him for guidance. Those words kept scratching the inside of my skull like a bad song. Every time I had these feelings it was as though my body was going through some sort of twisted shock therapy. I kept telling myself it would go away, that tomorrow I would be normal. That tomorrow all these feelings would have never existed, that tomorrow I wouldn’t hate myself. However when the sun came up that next day, nothing had changed. I put on my clothes the same way, brushed my teeth with the same amount of strokes. I stood in front of the mirror after I stuffed myself into my new clothes. Yes, still hated myself. All of my peers had great bodies, and then there was me.
On the rare occasion that I actually changed in the same locker room as everyone, I made sure my body was covered. My hands could only hide so much, so I became pretty creative when it came to making sure no one saw the embarrassing parts. I would sometimes just sit on the bench and stare at the floor, thinking about how I would never be as good as my peers, or how I would never be able to join the ranks of popularity.
I subconsciously chose to stare at other guys instead of the floor one day, making sure my spot in the realm of lifetime loneliness was secure. I was frozen, with my eyes fixated on their half naked bodies, and no matter how hard I tried to look away, I couldn’t. I wasn’t necessarily lusting after them; I was admiring their Ken doll-like bodies. Its like tunnel vision had taken over and everything else blurred around me. I sat there as real life slowed down to a weak pulse. Part of me wanted to get caught so I would no longer be invisible, but the boys were too busy horsing around with each other to notice. Cracking the towel on each other’s brief-clad bottoms. Chasing each other around, trying to de-pant one another. You know, things that macho straight men do.
Apparently I wasn’t as invisible as I thought. Word of my gawking had made its way to the entire football team, basketball team, and baseball team. It was fun going to school every day and having all the guys grab their crotches when they walked by me or giving me the death stare when I’d be in class with them. It was the highlight of my junior high career and I was just waiting for the day I would get punched in the face or pushed into a row of lockers. I waited on the edge of seat every class period, constantly aware of the things going on around me. It seemed that every breath I took would be my last, and my skin felt like it was crawling with eyeballs.
You can download a free sample (15%) or the entire novel for $1.99 here:
www.smashwords.com/books/view/95076
Fall had chased summer away once again. The ground looked like a multi colored mosaic of things to come and the dead greenery reminded me of what had been killed along with everything else that used to be beautiful in this world. The yellow hues represented a calming, serene outlook on the year ahead. Reds covered the ground like a wounded lake. Come to think of it, there is nothing pleasant about the color red. Aside from the obvious connection to blood, it also meant to stop or that havoc was upon the masses.
The only havoc I foresaw was the first day of junior high.
The girls sprouted breasts and purchased their makeup several months before, and the boys came back with their slender bodies and crew cuts. I hadn’t changed a bit. When I left sixth grade I was considerably a larger person, and I entered my first day of seventh grade tipping the scales at 270, with glasses.
Junior high was a surreal time for me, as it was for everyone, but something about this year did not seem right. It didn’t help that I had developed an attraction for other guys. All I could think about was my pastor calling it a perversion and sickness when my parents found a Playgirl under my mattress and immediately brought me to him for guidance. Those words kept scratching the inside of my skull like a bad song. Every time I had these feelings it was as though my body was going through some sort of twisted shock therapy. I kept telling myself it would go away, that tomorrow I would be normal. That tomorrow all these feelings would have never existed, that tomorrow I wouldn’t hate myself. However when the sun came up that next day, nothing had changed. I put on my clothes the same way, brushed my teeth with the same amount of strokes. I stood in front of the mirror after I stuffed myself into my new clothes. Yes, still hated myself. All of my peers had great bodies, and then there was me.
On the rare occasion that I actually changed in the same locker room as everyone, I made sure my body was covered. My hands could only hide so much, so I became pretty creative when it came to making sure no one saw the embarrassing parts. I would sometimes just sit on the bench and stare at the floor, thinking about how I would never be as good as my peers, or how I would never be able to join the ranks of popularity.
I subconsciously chose to stare at other guys instead of the floor one day, making sure my spot in the realm of lifetime loneliness was secure. I was frozen, with my eyes fixated on their half naked bodies, and no matter how hard I tried to look away, I couldn’t. I wasn’t necessarily lusting after them; I was admiring their Ken doll-like bodies. Its like tunnel vision had taken over and everything else blurred around me. I sat there as real life slowed down to a weak pulse. Part of me wanted to get caught so I would no longer be invisible, but the boys were too busy horsing around with each other to notice. Cracking the towel on each other’s brief-clad bottoms. Chasing each other around, trying to de-pant one another. You know, things that macho straight men do.
Apparently I wasn’t as invisible as I thought. Word of my gawking had made its way to the entire football team, basketball team, and baseball team. It was fun going to school every day and having all the guys grab their crotches when they walked by me or giving me the death stare when I’d be in class with them. It was the highlight of my junior high career and I was just waiting for the day I would get punched in the face or pushed into a row of lockers. I waited on the edge of seat every class period, constantly aware of the things going on around me. It seemed that every breath I took would be my last, and my skin felt like it was crawling with eyeballs.
You can download a free sample (15%) or the entire novel for $1.99 here:
www.smashwords.com/books/view/95076