greg
Member
Posts: 96
Joined: June 2011
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Post by greg on Jun 27, 2011 8:57:52 GMT -5
I've been toying around with this for a while, what do you think?
Sunlight pouring in the window dazzles my eyes
Sirens screaming in the street ring in my ears
Dampness seeping through the floorboards makes me shiver
I drag myself out of bed to face another day
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Post by martinshaw on Jun 27, 2011 14:32:07 GMT -5
Is this part of a story? Cos it sure aint a poem.
To say something good about it... it is thought provoking, but that is maybe because I’m trying to find something that makes me keel over as I try to fathom the riddle of your depths.
This is shallow water, Greg, and not a suit and tie job.
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Post by amylou on Jun 27, 2011 15:22:08 GMT -5
Hi Greg, is there more to this? I think you can take this idea and dig much deeper. It needs much more, but I can see where it could possibly develop into something better. Don't be afraid to go further with this. It feels a bit conservative, as if you're holding back. Good start, now go and write more and make it better. Good luck.
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zoe
Member
Posts: 106
Joined: June 2011
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Post by zoe on Jun 28, 2011 1:44:11 GMT -5
Agree with Amy, it feels like you are holding back  |
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Post by martinshaw on Jun 28, 2011 14:59:49 GMT -5
It's a shit alarm clock Greg. (your poem)
Stay with us; you interest me
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greg
Member
Posts: 96
Joined: June 2011
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Post by greg on Jun 28, 2011 17:06:59 GMT -5
Thanks Martin and everyone for your feedback. I laughed at the "shit alarm clock." It is, isn't it?
Yes, I intend to stay, I like it here.
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Post by martinshaw on Jun 29, 2011 2:46:06 GMT -5
Tally ho
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william
Member
Posts: 41
Joined: June 2013
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Post by william on Jun 22, 2013 3:52:02 GMT -5
I've been toying around with this for a while, what do you think? Sunlight pouring in the window dazzles my eyes Sirens screaming in the street ring in my ears Dampness seeping through the floorboards makes me shiver I drag myself out of bed to face another day It should be "Sunlight pouring through the window..." |
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