Does this grab you?

[neilostroff]

Hi,
I'm looking for any feedback on my back jacket summary for my new book. Does it make you want to read it?
Thanks.

INSECTLAND

Robot insects called Defenders have recruited fifteen-year-old Dan Larson for a mission. He is to rid Earth of a scouting group of Cyderion: tiny, intelligent, dragon-like creatures that exploit a planet’s ecosystem. They have taken residence in his backyard. The Cyderion discover Dan's assignment, abduct him on their spaceship, and take him to their planet. Having been shrunk to insect-size, Dan is forced into a slave camp with a multitude of strange, alien creatures. Starved and worked to exhaustion, he meets Emily, a human doctor who refuses to accept this fate. Racing against the possibility of lifetime imprisonment and being a miniature forever, Dan seizes an opportunity and escapes. Except, his escape wasn't luck. It was planned by Defenders are living covertly on the Cyderion planet. The revolution has begun.

Attachments:

[waterpoor]

I think it would help if you put a little more action in the first line. If you don't grab them there you will probably loose them. i.e.---a mission to do what---
R.

[johnee]

I stumbled a bit on the last lines. A possible rewrite is included below. Otherwise, it looks okay.

john


Except, his escape wasn't luck. It was planned by Defenders are living covertly on the Cyderion planet. The revolution has begun.

rewrite:

His escape, however, wasn't due to any lucky opportunity. It was planned by Defenders who are living covertly on the Cyderion planet. The revolution has begun.

[ttttr]

Yes it is good, but maybe you could give a hint what kind of revolution...

[yahweh]

I don't read sci-fi or fantasy novels, but i read to the end of the summary, so you have something there. I do think it could do with a little editing, make it a little snappier, maybe don't tell quite so much, keep it a little simpler.

[skmattso]

I understand this is sci-fi, but like....space bugs? It doesn't appeal to me much, it might to someone else though. I think your summary was okay, but like previously stated by other forum members, it needs more spazzaz, so to speak. No need to flood it with details. Keep people guessing as to what this might be about.

[Lily]

I'd suggest condensing it down o something like this. A book jacket blurb shouldn't be a synopsis of the plot, but an enticing hook:

Shrunk to insect-size by the parasitical Cyderions, 15-year-old Dan Larson is forced into a slave camp with a multitude of alien creatures. Starved and worked to exhaustion, he faces lifetime imprisonment and being a miniature forever. But when he manages to escape, it's not quite what he'd hoped for. The war between the Defenders and the Cyderion has begun, and Dan's very existence depends on which side wins.

[skmattso]

^I imagined the dude who does all the voice overs for trailers of epic movies in the theaters when I read that. lol

[joshuachrisstoff]

Does this grab you?

Since you asked, no.
I am not in your target market tho.

"Robot insects called Defenders..."

I didn't like that in the least, you almost lost me with the first two words.
Even this might be a better approach...?

The Defenders are insect robots...

THAT tells me there is a fight, which turns out to be a war. When I saw it your way, I pictured preying mantis, then the defenders, that had them playing basketball.
Take it or leave it, like I said, I am not in your target market mind you, the last book I read was sci fi, #2 of a trilogy which I thort was pretty decent, so I guess I can be persuaded. <GRIN>

Give 'em hell!

[binabear]

Aug 28, 2011 9:36:18 GMT -5 neilostroff said:

Hi,
I'm looking for any feedback on my back jacket summary for my new book. Does it make you want to read it?
Thanks.
INSECTLAND
Robot insects called Defenders have recruited fifteen-year-old Dan Larson for a mission. He is to rid Earth of a scouting group of Cyderion: tiny, intelligent, dragon-like creatures that exploit a planet’s ecosystem. .......It was planned by the Defenders who are now living covertly on the Cyderion planet. The revolution has begun.

Nanobots???

(just messing with you, sorry )

Caution: just for those extra curioius, haha

"What is a nanobot?
Nano = nano is a prefix meaning extremely small. It may be measurable as in the word nano-second, which is one billionth of a second. 10-9
Bot = bot is short for robot, a machine which may be programmed to carry out certain tasks, or operated by remote control. Robots can be very useful in situations where it would be dangerous for a human being to work, such as in handling hazardous materials.
A nanobot is therefore a very tiny robot that you would need a microscope to see. The word is often used in science fiction, so “serious” scientists are more likely to use the term nanorobot.


Do nanobots exist or are they just a scientists’ dream?
Nanobots are already planned for use in medicine, and experiments are under way to expand their range of possible applications, such as in the delivery of drugs within the eye to sufferers of macular degeneration, one of the main causes of blindness in the elderly. Guided either by charged particles in the bloodstream, or by an external signal, the size of the nanobot would make it possible for it to pass through veins and arteries, enabling pinpoint delivery of drugs to fight off cancer. This targeted delivery of medication might go a long way towards saving people from the devastating side effects of conventional chemotherapy. A great deal of research is being carried out throughout the world to move the medical use of nanobots from research to reality."Excerpt from Nanobots and Nanorobotis

[Aberrant Fantastic]

I'd make it simpler, and not give so much away. I like the last line, though...

I did a rewrite, if you'd like to read it...

When robotic insects known as Defenders recruit fifteen-year-old Dan Larson for a mission, he eagerly accepts. He's to rid the Earth of a scouting group of Cyderion: tiny, intelligent, dragon-like creature's that are exploiting the planet's ecosystem, and have conveniently set up shop in his backyard. Sounds easy enough, right? Not when Dan is suddenly discovered and shrunk to insect-size, then abducted into outer space! Forced into a slave camp with a multitude of strange, alien creatures, Dan is starved and worked to exhaustion before he meets Emily, a human doctor who refuses to accept her fate. Racing against the possibility of a lifetime imprisonment and being stuck in this miniature world forever, Dan seizes his opportunity and escapes . . . However, his escape wasn't the fortuitous event he thought it was. It was planned by Defenders living covertly on the Cyderion planet, biding their time.

The revolution has begun . . .

Keep in mind:

When does the story start? When Dan first gets the assignment, or after he's already escaped? Unless it starts after his escape, then you don't need all this information in the summary. If people already know what's going to happen, they probably won't read your book!

Keep it simple, keep it mysterious...

[bailish]

Exactly how do robot insects recruit a human? How does Dan get his orders?

[BlueLotus]

What Lily and Rich said.
As it stands I lost interest by the second line maybe the third. Sorry.