Mayhem - Query

[charlotte]

Because queries are slightly different in the UK this is just the plot summary and hook. I know it is very good and need help:

Angus frees his people from oppression and in doing so discovers the secrets that allow him to become the Great White Falcon.

Seventeen-year-old, Prince Angus Lorenzo is considering his misdeeds in his bedroom when his sister kills their father and the Crown Prince runs off with a lover. The media styled ''Royal Oaf'' has inherited the throne of a country riddled with corruption and on the verge of war with a more powerful neighbour. The Lukas Combination, an organisation began by their grandfather and now headed by his sister wants to take over the entire planet they live on, and they will remove anyone in their way. Angus is clueless everyone close to him has been forced to lie and keep vital elements of their lives and the planet they live on secret or face the death penalty. The, eight-hundred-year-old, Abbot appears in his life and proves a valuable ally and mentor, as Angus works to understand the various undercurrents he must tackle if he is to ever be free of the frequent assassination attempts. The planet's big secret is that it is the heart of the universal father when his children on it cannot form a balance he becomes sick. If the balance goes to far in the direction of evil he dies taking all of existence with him. Together Angus and the Abbot go to war with the corrupt officials and clean up the government of the country. Despite the poor state of the Covesea Island's armed forced Angus closes down trade with their neighbour and kidnaps their president's daughter his gamble pays off an a peace is negotiated. A glorious coronation is a time for the country to look forward to a positive future.

[BlueLotus]

Let me chew on this for a bit I will figure out what is bothering me about it and let you know.

[charlotte]

i ment isn't very good lol Thanks, I have been struggling with this on and off for months.

[BlueLotus]

Aug 18, 2011 14:01:21 GMT -5 charlotte said:

Angus frees his people from oppression and in doing so discovers the secrets that allow him to become the Great White Falcon.

Seventeen-year-old, Prince Angus Lorenzo is considering his misdeeds in his bedroom when his sister kills their father and the Crown Prince runs off with a lover. The media styled ''Royal Oaf'' has inherited the throne of a country riddled with corruption and on the verge of war with a more powerful neighbour. The Lukas Combination, an organisation began by their grandfather and now headed by his sister wants to take over the entire planet they live on, and they will remove anyone in their way. Angus is clueless everyone close to him has been forced to lie and keep vital elements of their lives and the planet they live on secret or face the death penalty. The, eight-hundred-year-old, Abbot appears in his life and proves a valuable ally and mentor, as Angus works to understand the various undercurrents he must tackle if he is to ever be free of the frequent assassination attempts. The planet's big secret is that it is the heart of the universal father when his children on it cannot form a balance he becomes sick. If the balance goes to far in the direction of evil he dies taking all of existence with him. Together Angus and the Abbot go to war with the corrupt officials and clean up the government of the country. Despite the poor state of the Covesea Island's armed forced Angus closes down trade with their neighbour and kidnaps their president's daughter his gamble pays off an a peace is negotiated. A glorious coronation is a time for the country to look forward to a positive future.

Angus frees his people from oppression and in doing so discovers the secrets that allow him to become the Great White Falcon.
The above makes me think of American Indian Folk lore…

Seventeen-year-old, Prince Angus Lorenzo is considering his misdeeds in his bedroom when his sister kills their father and the Crown Prince runs off with a lover.

Is the crown prince and prince Lorenzo two different people?

The media styled ''Royal Oaf'' has inherited the throne of a country riddled with corruption and on the verge of war with a more powerful neighbour. (Spelling error -Neighbor-)

The Lukas Combination, an organization began by their grandfather and now headed by his sister wants to take over the entire planet they live on, and they will remove (Remove how Kill? Maim? Expand that thought a bit.) anyone in their way.

Angus is clueless everyone close to him has been forced to lie and keep vital elements of their lives and the planet they live on secret or face the death penalty. Clueless of what? Life, is he daft? Or just childish? Mentally deficient?

The, eight-hundred-year-old, ß ( Unneeded information Over share, and does nothing to improve the synopsis.) Abbot appears in his life and proves a valuable ally and mentor, as Angus works to understand the various undercurrents he must tackle if he is to ever be free of the frequent assassination attempts.

(à This next section is very confusing. ) The planet's big secret is that it is the heart of the universal father when his children on it cannot form a balance he becomes sick. If the balance goes to far in the direction of evil he dies taking all of existence with him. Together Angus and the Abbot go to war with the corrupt officials and clean up the government of the country. Despite the poor state of the Covesea Island's armed forced Angus closes down trade with their neighbour (ßspelling again) and kidnaps their president's daughter his gamble pays off an a peace is negotiated. A glorious coronation is a time for the country to look forward to a positive future

I get where you were going with it I assume the “Father” is the planets Very being, and because of the things taking place it starts to die. But your wording is a tiny bit too confusing for the reader, and if I were an agent I might or might not read it Probably not tbh. Not unless there was nothing else I had to do that day… And we both know the chances of that.

[charlotte]

Thanks I wouldn't read it if I was an agent either which is why I put it up. I think maybe I should introduce the Universal Father first.

Neighbour is correct though it is the British spelling.

[BlueLotus]

Ahh... that does make a world of dif sorry my mistake.

[johnee]

Hi, please compare my edit with your original. I proofed for simple errors, and altered some of the text. There are still a few points of confusion but I'm not sure how to clarify them right now. If you find any of this helpful, or have any questions or concerns please post. I hope I haven't altered any of your story's outline with the changes I've made.

john e


EDIT:


Angus frees his people from oppression and in doing so discovers the secrets that allow him to become the Great White Falcon.

Seventeen-year-old Prince Angus Lorenzo is considering his misdeeds when his sister kills their father and the Crown Prince runs off with a lover. The media-styled ''Royal Oaf'' has inherited the throne of a country riddled with corruption and on the verge of war with a more powerful neighbour. The Lukas Combination, an organisation begun by their grandfather and now headed by his sister wants to take over their entire planet, and will remove anyone in their way. Angus is clueless; everyone close to him has been forced to lie and keep vital information concerning their lives and the planet they live on secret or face the death penalty. The secret is revealed that the planet is the heart of the universal father, and when his children cannot maintain balance he becomes ill. If the balance goes too far in the direction of evil he dies, taking all of existence with him.The eight-hundred-year-old Abbot appears to Angus and proves a valuable ally and mentor, as the young prince works to understand the various undercurrents he must tackle if he is ever to be free of frequent assassination attempts. Together Angus and the Abbot go to war with the corrupt officials and clean up the country's government. Despite the poor state of the Covesea Island's armed forces Angus closes down trade with their neighbour and kidnaps their president's daughter. His gamble is rewarded, a peace is negotiated and the glorious coronation that follows is a time for the country to look forward to a positive future.

[charlotte]

no problem thanks - I think it needs a rethink. I need to introduce the setting more thinking of something more like this:

Mayhem is an 80,000-word, young-adult high fantasy. The setting is the fictional planet Litae which is the heart of the living universe, and follows the story of the seventeen-year-old Angus who unexpectedly inherits the throne of Covesea Island.

Angus' life is chronicled from a rebellious, insecure young prince to a point where he begins to understand his own abilities and strengths. The clueless lad finds the strength and wisdom to take the island from a corrupt, and oppressed place on the verge of war to a situation where the people are looking forward to a hopeful future. The level of advancement is contemporary to Great Britain 2011 with some constraints placed on it by the different races and their abilities; for example my main character wears jeans and has a laptop, but in a society where many of the best engineers and scientists can turn into birds discovering the power of flight has taken a back seat.