First page of Re written chapter.

[Richard]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uatu

I like the concept. You may want to explain an idea though...."when a watcher falls" is this voluntarily, self determined, do they now have a desire to "become entangled in human affairs"?

Some editing needs to be done, over capitalization, use of commas, spelling (corporeal), ...but this can easily be attended to later. I always hammer out the refinements after first letting someone else review my work completely as they see things I do not when it is too fresh in my mind as I tend to focus on the information rather than the technical issues.

Hope you have a good fallen watcher, or other influence, as an antagonist. I think this is what makes a good story.

A good concept you have here which can capitalize on existing beliefs. A great fiction is one which is comprised on accepted beliefs, with the profound yet plausible (to some) twist thrown in IMO.

[BlueLotus]

Yeah Richard, I had this thought bubbling in my brain after being fully unhappy with the way my novel was turning out I did a rough spell check, but that is it I wanted a reaction that was third party before I started to get too in depth with this.

I have 11 chapters of the novel that I can re write using The Watchers as my narrator, and having one that is purposefully inserted into A society of Guardians, to report things back as described above, but eventually this person becomes sympathetic to human kinds plight and "falls" from grace... so to speak.

[Richard]

If you complete it, and sell it, make sure you retain movie rights as this subject has only been touched on in comic books.

[charlotte]

The story is really good, but there is a lot of information and very little action is this a prologue ?

[waterpoor]

BlueLotus, I am going to make the assumption that you want some honest help. Here are my observations which you certainly can reject if you like.

You seem to have a good idea and lots of motivation. You do have some difficulty in telling your story, rather in showing your story. Nothing puts readers asleep quicker than a lot of explanation.

What excites people is dialogue and description they can relate to. To prove this out for yourself read some of the fiction stories on the forum.

I don't mean to discourage you in any way. Only hope this might help you.

Keep on writing.
R.

[BlueLotus]

Oh lord no this is not a prologue... at least not yet it is not even a complete thought as it stands.

I had a crazy idea that perhaps this direction would work better for the book I have spent 11 years researching I got to a point where no matter how many times I edited it it lacked the 'pop' that I wanted... Everyone wants to be the next JKR, ME included rofl.
What I wanted was a reaction to my musings.. and I got them so far they are favorable, any time I posted my work on other forums they were totally ignored thus I was running blindly with no one to say hey that sucks! or That sounds neat... I think the reason for this is that lack of sizzle judging by the replies here I have found my voice again So now I feel more confident that when I re write this monster with the new found voice and direction it will be more in-tune to what I have had in mind for oh so long...

Thanks guys! I owe you two.

[charlotte]

Your story and direction are fine. Rather than tell us in a lump right now personally stories work better for me when this information is shown to us through actions, events, interactions. Even the equivelent of Moksha sitting with his mate on a telegraph wire/cloud, wherever they sit discussing it or him sitting down with a cup of earl grey and a newspaper musing, or receiving his orders from Krishna. Show us what the race is.

I find having what I call my Wikkipedia characters useful - they have a broad encyclopedic knowledge of the world. In detective fiction Sherlock and Poirot themselves are those characters. The children in Narnia had Mr Tumnus and the Beavers to introduce them to the world. On TV Duckie and Abi from NCIS or Reid from Criminal Minds. There are others but a story with a lot of intricacies and that steps outside of the norm benefits from these weird characters that because of their nature can infodump in story in a way that entertains and informs but doesn't bore the reader.

[BlueLotus]

hmm, Thanks Charlotte.

[BlueLotus]

OK, so here is what I was thinking...
This could perhaps stand as a prologue all by its self.

Then the following would be a "bible" for lack of a better word that lays out the mythology of creation, reincarnation, the end of time, and why things are as they are. This would be told through the actual mythology of this religion and region. I would tweak it a little to make it more modern, less convoluted. (Show not tell.) But in keeping with the ancient myths. As I feel they are too important to the subject it's self to muddy.
Thoughts?

[Richard]

At first I thought this was going to be a Sci/fy. Now, it sound like a fantasy heavily influenced by Hinduism with a little orthodoxy mixed in.

From this version, it seems like you are dealing with a rather large number of concepts to be dealt with later on. It definitely reads as a prologue.

You would have to go into detail later explaining the origin and relativity of Krishna.

The first paragraph confused me as feelings are part of a conscience. The use of the word "soul" also confused me, but I realize people have different beliefs about what soul means.

My personal opinion would be to use this as a prologue, but dial it in a bit more succinctly with that in mind.

Pick out the exact points of significant relevance, addressed in the story, then explain them to a limited but pointed degree. (Think of the intro to Star Wars, Star Trek, enough to go on while being limited in scope).

Just my thoughts.

[BlueLotus]

Thank you Richard.

It is a sci fant with a religious bent... so you are not wrong.

later in the story you find magic, witches, vamps etc... the same as many other fantasy novels, however the common thread(s) are the religion or lack of one in some cases.

The end results in an apocalyptic type setting where we learn that what we thought we knew was not as it seemed. And God's true intent is finally reveled...

Humor, danger, love, etc I want to bring them all to life in this work, all while allowing mythology from around the world to play out.

[Richard]

I think you have a Looooong story on your hands.

Maybe even a series.

[BlueLotus]

Yeah, thats my problem... It is huge!
I have 10 finished chapters 20+ pages long each!
I am either very long winded or I have no idea how to break a chapter apart???

I was thinking of breaking into 3 books, the first book giving the BG of how things started, and where they stand now.

The second where all the MC's begin to meet up with each other and the last being the end of things as we know them.

There would be room for a fourth if there was a demand for it showing what comes after the end, the new beginnings and what the beings that made specific choices are doing to keep the new order. ( or ruin it) as the case may be.

[charlotte]

I never bother with chapters in a first draft but I have my own way of working. (write draft, read draft, bin draft and repeat until happy, my final draft doesn't even resemble the first). A lot of what you have here is because it is early days with an epic plot. Honestly wait and see what happens - my trilogy morphed it turned into one book but then spawned five stories, (I've written three to various stages) which lead to a time travel story that now has twenty stories waiting to be told.

Write it and find your pattern of working. It sounds very interesting but ny person advice is finish the story (at least story one) - I learned a huge amount from my first novel about how I want to go about things and my second taught me even more.

I would leave it as a prologue then when you are finished decide how necessary it is - if it is then leave it as it is.

[BlueLotus]

I agree Charlotte,
I wrote it out to see if perhaps this new pov would be more effective, and to see if my style of writing would improve with the changed perspective.

It did and I will continue forward from here.
Thanks for the advice it is very useful to be reminded that what we think we want may not be what we end up with!

I break things into chapters because that is how my editor likes things to be sent one chapter at a time...