Reworked Silver Query -- Please Read and Comment!

[jomariem]

I've reworked my Silver query. Please read and let me know if I need to make any changes to it. I've almost been pulling my hair out trying to write this thing!

Imagine that all you’ve ever known is life in a place filled with exciting things to see and do, and the love of your family. Every day holds new wonders for you, and you believe that things will always be this way for you and your loved ones. But one day, your carefree young life comes to an abrupt halt. Suddenly you find yourself all alone, separated not only from others of your kind, but from your natural environment as well, cared for by alien creatures you’ve only seen at a distance. Will you have the heart and courage to go on living in this strange new world, and hold onto the hope that someday you may be happy again?
Silver, a spirited young orca living in the Pacific Northwest, is delighted to learn that her family is going to visit Salmon Cove, where she and her cousins will have other youngsters to play with and all the delicious salmon they can hold. But Silver’s delight soon turns to horror the next morning, when humans looking for young orcas to sell to aquariums trap all the orca families in the cove. After a horrifying selection process in which all the youngsters are taken away from their families and then from each other, Silver soon finds herself lying helplessly in a sling on board a boat, unwillingly embarking on her first journey into the world of men.
She will endure a variety of circumstances in captivity, some good, some downright horrific, which will test the very limits of her courageous spirit. She will experience kindness as well as cruelty from her human caretakers, as well as friendship from others who share her tank homes. During the course of her time under the care of man, she nearly gets killed by an aggressive older orca; is kept in solitary confinement in an indoor warehouse pool while being put up for sale, endures life under an abusive master in a substandard facility, and is taken along on a nightmarish journey through the jungles of Central America as part of a traveling circus. When her health and her courageous spirit fail her and she can no longer perform, she is abandoned on a beach in the tropics. Thankfully some kindhearted souls spot her in distress and save her life, and then Silver realizes that she has a choice to make. Should she try to navigate an unfamiliar ocean on her own to find her family, or should she stay with the humans that she has now bonded with, who are trying to lure her into a sling to take her to an unknown destination? Whatever she decides to do, Silver knows that it will change her life forever. . .
My new novel, called Silver: The Story of an Orca, is told entirely through Silver’s eyes. This 225-page story, though obviously fictional, is made up of many instances that have actually happened to real orcas. I have read extensively about these animals, and have observed them in both captivity situations and the wild. I have also written some supplemental chapters to the book as well, including a chapter about the history of orcas in captivity, some brief facts about orcas in the wild, and a section about whether or not captive orcas should be released into the wild. Although this book is a young adult novel, I hope that it will appeal to older readers as well. I have also enclosed the first 30 pages, as well as a chapter table and a synopsis of the story. If this sounds like a book that you would like to read, please let me know. I await your reply.


I'm wondering: should I delete the first paragraph, and If I leave it in, should I italicize it, or leave it as is?

Also, at what point should I leave the suspense in the query?
Right after Silver gets captured?
After she leaves her first tank home (when her life begins to spiral downward when she begins having some REALLY hard times)?
When she gets abandoned on the beach in the tropics?
After she gets rescued on the beach, nursed back to health and has a decision to make about whether to take off on her own, or stay with the humans who have taken care of her?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Richard]

By the time I got to the second paragraph, I thought you were talking about a completely different story. I think that is because I assumed the first one (para) was about ET's and humans. This was awkward at first, but then made sense by the time I was done with all of it.

Just my first reaction to it, not saying there was anything wrong with it.

I think your lead in to the story, and description is solid.

I would leave out the word "downright" in "some downright horrific" as this seems like a word used in dialogue, rather than professional presentation. IMO

I think the story sounds interesting and like the fact that there is supplemental "factual" material supplied to a fictional tale. Good approach.

[waterpoor]

jomariem, you have done a good job of getting your story across but you will have to really shave it down to get it read. The people who read quiries have large stacks in front of them and most would set aside something this long without reading it. It's hard to condense writing so much and say what needs said but it's essential. It will make you a better story teller.

Don't get discouraged. Keep writing.
R.

[johnee]

i think waterpoor has a good point regarding the length of this. the structure of your query is good, but each section should be pared down (sez johnee, who has never written one of these, lol). the last section, especially, has unneeded material. if you'd like, i can leave an edit here, later, on this thread.

john