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Post by amylou on Jun 23, 2011 21:20:48 GMT -5
I would really like your opinion on this, Mr. Moderator. Or anyone else - except for blast off and hamburger. Thanks in advance for your time.
Facial
In sixty seconds give or take, I'm a girl diving into the deep, seeking a treasure extending from the base. It's unyielding display entices me.
The swim down is delightful, our world a memory. I grasp the gem, enjoying the way it feels forgetting air, fighting the rush, consumed. Reaching the surface seems futile. I'm going to drown.
In time the flowing tides cease. A second longer my life would end. I emerge gasping. Yet the prize remains clinched in my care.
Was this a treasure worth fetching? Only if next time I take a bigger breath.
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Post by martinshaw on Jun 24, 2011 3:20:06 GMT -5
Ooh I need a hand with this one!
I like it. You are becoming sophisticated, though what’s in your grasp should plainly be in your face to complete the circle to title at the end. The second mention of second (no pun intended) gives pause for thought whether it should be used?
Goodanga
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Post by amylou on Jun 24, 2011 5:33:11 GMT -5
I don't think you need a hand, you did just great on your own. Thanks for pointing out the second second. I never saw it! You're good Mr. Moderator! Thanks
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Post by martinshaw on Jun 24, 2011 16:31:14 GMT -5
Isn't she lovely!!!
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Post by amylou on Jun 25, 2011 14:01:09 GMT -5
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Lily
Administrator
Posts: 2,197
Joined: May 2011
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Post by Lily on Jun 25, 2011 15:08:26 GMT -5
I don't think you need a hand, you did just great on your own. Thanks for pointing out the second second. I never saw it! You're good Mr. Moderator! Thanks Martin is good. He has an eagle eye for detail. That's why I was delighted when he agreed to moderate the critiques section.
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Post by amylou on Jun 25, 2011 16:40:23 GMT -5
Yeah, you really are lucky he agreed to help. I can't get him to agree to anything! What's your secret Lily?
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