Query Letter Critique Wanted

[organizedbygrace]

Hi all and thanks to tango for the invite. I popped in a few weeks ago to introduce myself, then life happened to get in the way as it sometimes does. I hope it's ok that I'am posting. I've been working on this query letter for awhile now and was going to send it on. Then thinking everything I've read learning this writing business is to let your writing group help out. Then I thought you don't know me or anything about my writings and then again maybe that's not so bad at the moment as you would be reading just as if sent to an agent. With that said I look forward to being critiqued.

P.S.
I'm not sure if the word "hurt" in the title should be capitalized
I've read both for and against the first sentence of each paragraph being indented.
The last paragraph and line spills over to page 2.
Word count is 549
I tend to write in a narrative style between first and third person which I'm trying to correct.

I am seeking Christian representation. While studying Christian Writers Guide, I found it interesting your agency is located in Bonita Springs, and I reside up the road in Lehigh Acres, Fl. Plus the fact you are open to unpublished authors and handle inspirational nonfiction.

Turning fifty and vowing to make the second half of my life better than the first half, life had become such a struggle and trying to move forward wasn’t working. Life Without Purpose, hurts, is empowering and inspirational to all women ages 35 to 65 who settled for less than deserved and find themselves on a path that was never meant for them to follow. To say there are many hurting women out there is such an understatement. It is noted 70 – 80% of Christian consumers are female (Covington).

Just knowing there has to be a better life, to crying out “God, if this is all life is, I don’t want it.” Was it something I remembered hearing, maybe some seed planted decades ago during Catechism class of my childhood? Somehow knowing God was the answer, but I had long ago turned away from God, surely after all these years there was no way for me to get back on God’s plan for me.

Thoughts of God kept coming to the forefront, could it be a seed trying to sprout up from the cluttered, muddled fog my thoughts had become. The miraculous way God gets her attention and the numerous God moments that follow to change the course of her life and continue on today to do so.

[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Psalm 27:13-14 AMP (NIV)

The story above is my journey from brokenness to wholeness, from nothing to having hope, a future and embracing the life God meant for me. My past does not define me, it is my uniqueness that does.

The working title: Life Without Purpose, hurts, is at 40,000 plus word unfinished non-fiction manuscript. The story is timely in that it touches on what many have experienced in recent years, unemployment to starting a business, closing the business, getting into debt. Leaving the state to find work to keep from losing the house, returning home, unemployment ending. The aftermath of our present economy that many common folks have had to endure; filing bankruptcy, house being foreclosed. At age fifty-six attending college for the very first time thanks to Presidents Obama’s 2009 stimulus package to put dislocated workers back to work. I will graduate with Honors Dec. 2011 with an AA degree in Criminal Justice.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[Lily]

I doubt anyone would be interested in an unfinished manuscript. I'd finish it first, then start querying. And yes, every word in a title should be capitalised. You don't need the comma either. i.e. LIFE WITHOUT PURPOSE HURTS. Good luck with it.

[Richard]

I would agree with Lily that you need to finish your manuscript first. The market is such that unless you already have your name out there, they won't be bothered.

If this is a non-fiction, which I am assuming it is, you must also have a proposal put together or they probably won't be interested either. You can put more information in the proposal than your query.

If it is fiction, then disregard the proposal.

That being said, I think your query need some refining.

I would remove:

"I am seeking Christian representation. While studying Christian Writers Guide, I found it interesting your agency is located in Bonita Springs, and I reside up the road in Lehigh Acres, Fl. Plus the fact you are open to unpublished authors and handle inspirational nonfiction."

If you were not sure they accepted this genre, you should not have contacted them in the first place. The rest says nothing to promote your work.

"At age fifty-six attending college for the very first time thanks to Presidents Obama’s 2009 stimulus package to put dislocated workers back to work. I will graduate with Honors Dec. 2011 with an AA degree in Criminal Justice."

I don't really see this as promoting the work, as your degree has nothing to do with it. I would make reference to your education in a more general way. Also, the name Obama is very polarizing and this could work against you just by putting it in your query. You have some useful information in the last paragraph, I would just rewrite it.

Example: "Life Without Purpose Hurts," is at 40,000 word non-fiction manuscript. The story is timely in that it relates to the challenges people are experiencing today i.e, finding employment, accruing debt, maintaining a home, raising a family, and managing everyday affairs all with the knowledge that it can be lost at any moment.
All of these issues are addressed in a way that readers can easily relate to and empathize with.

This manuscript is a product of a lifetime of experience and observations. Finishing my college degree, in the later stages of my life, has contributed to the testimony and admonition contained in this work.

etc.

Also, you should list comparative works already on the market.

This is just off the top of my head. Feel free to refine and work on it. And show us again. As this is the first thing any publisher or agent will see, it has to be as near perfect as you can get. Don't rule out the importance of a query letter.

Richard

[organizedbygrace]

Thanks Lily and Richard,

Lily, yes I see now where the comma is not needed and it reads better than I thought. It was my understanding nonfiction did not have to be completed or even started. The Christian Writers Guide said to send query letter. I see it as a long term process and know name recognition is very critical and am taking steps in that direction. Richard I understand what many feel abt Pres. Obama, I also believe that this was a program not many believed in and to actually show a "human Being" that benefited from the program could very well be a blessing.

Telling abt Obama, I wasn't thinking of it as promoting, as it was used in place of not having any prior published work...something else I had read abt adding something personal..lol As for writing "Plus the fact..." was that I am an unpublished author and know they do handle inspiration work.

Lastly, knowing it has to be near perfect is why I posted it for those with so much experience than I, to critique it and guide me..thank you and Lily again.

[Richard]

OBG, stand by what you believe in. It may be that what you are trying to project just needs to be put another way.

After all, if you send it out to a number of agents or publishers, there will be those who feel about it the way I do, and those who think it is right in line with what they are looking for. The trick is to find them

The main point would still be to finish the work before soliciting publication or representation.

Richard

[Lily]

Check out the Query Letter section on this site. It's a good resource.

www.youcanwrite.com/