Is This A Weird Place to Start?

[Aberrant Fantastic]

Blargh. Here's the first ~500 words of my latest book. I just sort of drop into the character's world without a lot of explanation...do you think I need a little more background?


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Night was coming to the coastal town of Port Fostan. Stuck at the westernmost point of [Country], the port was in the middle of a dry spell. Tall coniferous trees rustled in a salty breeze, empty clouds crawled across the sky, and the sun was already half submerged in the clear ocean waters. Lorena Lobore made her way through a thick forest of old firs on top of a small rise, the only sounds the crinkle of pine needles beneath her tennis shoes and the roar of the ocean in the background. Ahead of her, barely visible in the strange twilight of the forest, was her partner in crime, Braskil Mast, guiding her through the labyrinth of trees to an unknown location. There was a trust there: she wouldn’t go following just anyone through a bunch of trees on the edge of town at dusk. But Braskil wasn’t just anyone.

The recent high school graduates were dressed similarly: black pants, black sweatshirt with the hood up, black bandana around their lower face. Braskil wasn’t giving anything away, but wherever they were going, Lorena could assume it wasn’t exactly public property. A strand of dark brown hair, the same color as her skin, slipped from beneath her hood; she tucked it back into place without thinking, her dark eyes focused on the shadowy form before her. It would not do to get lost this far into the forest--she could just imagine explaining that one to her father when he found in her in the morning, curled up in a tree somewhere, all alone. No, she needed to get there and then back home…wherever “there” was.

She could see a light through the trees, and Braskil’s outline bobbing along before it. They were walking up a slope now, and it was getting steeper and steeper. Soon she was using her hands to pull herself up, thinking that, unless it was something truly amazing, she was going to murder Braskil in the morning. Finally, she reached the top--a ragged cliff looking over a flat field just before the beach. Braskil was at the edge, lying on his stomach, peering over with a pair of binoculars. Lorena glanced at him, but didn’t’ say anything. Instead she followed his gaze, and gasped.

She was looking at an army. A massive army, sprawled out before her, far below. There were tents and wagons, hooked to shining black mechanical beasts of burden, their yellow eyes glowing in the low light of the multitude of fires, around which the soldiers were moving. There seemed to be every kind of person there, both men and women. Some of them wore black armor, swords at their sides guns over their shoulders. Others were just in jeans and T-shirts, sitting around the fires and talking with their comrades. The company stretched as far as Lorena could see, their campfires shining far away, tiny pinpricks of light in the distance.



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I mean, can you tell that it isn't normal for Lorena to see an army on the outskirts of town? Should I start maybe a few hours before she and Braskil go check things out, so readers know what the average day is like...? (Though the next chapter covers some of that....)

Thanks for reading.

[bubblegum91]

I personally don't get the sense that it's not normal to see an army, but that's just me. Maybe add a little dialogue. But maybe that could work.

[waterpoor]

Ms A. Fantastic,

You may never need more than blargh to be a writer. I love the word. I think you started in the right place but maybe you could make that first line or two strong enough to let the reader know this writing is going to keep he/she awake so get on with the story. It is important to hook your reader immediately.

Your writing is easy to read.
R.

[skmattso]

Okay, I liked this. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I had difficulty hanging on until the fourth paragraph. Once I saw a some actual progress from the starting point, and some interesting progress at that, I became more enticed. I think you need to focus a tiny, TINY bit less on being verbose in wonderful descriptions of scenary and such, and focus a tad more on moving the story from point A to B. Giving your story personality is fantastic, and something I wish I could do in my writing, but it doesn't help much if the story doesn't really go anywhere. But hey, this was an intro to your story, and I totally understand that it was mostly necessary, so I give it a solid 4/5 stars.

[Aberrant Fantastic]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I'll go pound my face on the keyboard some more XP

[Lily]

I've edited one of the paragraphs, AF, to neaten up the story a bit and make it more immediate.


Instead she followed his gaze, and gasped.

Far below, the tents of a massive army, sprawled out before her. The company stretched as far as Lorena could see, their campfires blazing, until they became tiny pinpricks of light in the distance. There were wagons, hooked to shiny black mechanical beasts of burden, their yellow eyes glowing. The soldiers were both male and female. Some wore black armor, swords at their sides, guns over their shoulders. Others were just in jeans and T-shirts, sitting around the fires and talking with their comrades.

[waterpoor]

Anyone who can start a dialogue with blargh is going to have some good stuff after it. What a great first word/line for a book or story.
R.

oops didn't catch that I'd already said this. I still mean it.