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Post by influential on Jul 17, 2011 14:14:46 GMT -5
I wrote this for a female vocalist. I hope you all enjoy and give back some feedback too. thanks.
Baby, I caught you cheating
And you lied to me
Every single lie and beating
How can I continue?
Baby, I am better than that
Harassment and shit
Every night I cried, for what?
Having all crushed?
Turning away from love tonight
Playing with me is my freight
Up in the air, driven in the light
Crushed and devoured tonight (2x)
If you had come from the heart
Would I believe you?
Or would I just shatter right apart
Tears like a waterfall
Turning away from love tonight
Playing with me is my freight
Up in the air, driven in the light
Crushed and devoured tonight (2x)
Feels like Im living in total dark
Im falling to pieces
Leaving behind my final mark
Of a total disaster
Turning away from love tonight
Playing with me is my freight
Up in the air, driven in the light
Crushed and devoured tonight (3x)
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Post by amylou on Jul 17, 2011 14:29:34 GMT -5
Hey, just curious, what type of music is this - country? Is it a slow song, fast? I think that will help me. I like it so far though. Also, acoustic guitar, electric? What? LOL
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Post by influential on Jul 17, 2011 14:37:07 GMT -5
a pop song actually, its a slow song too. I have no clue how to write country music at all and that honesty. I know how to write pop, hiphop, and rock.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 17, 2011 14:41:57 GMT -5
Freight? f**king freight train to distant low loaders that carry your sorry ass to hazy mountains, with vultures that circle, talons splayed to ply open your head for sardines in tomato.
Cut out the freight and you mean business. Cut out your heart and you have my respect
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Post by amylou on Jul 17, 2011 14:42:18 GMT -5
LOL it was the cheating line that sent me down country roads. Sorry! So sort of like R&B?
Feels like Im living in total dark
Im falling to pieces
Leaving behind my final mark
Of a total disaster
I really like this line - It sounds like a very good song. Were you happy with how it turned out? Is this something you do for a profession or just a hobby? I would think country would be so easy, throw in a little cheating, run away father, kids without shoes. LOL
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 17, 2011 14:46:38 GMT -5
Eh? A final mark is pants before being washed.
Welcome stranger... you gotta loop-de-loop to impress us
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Post by influential on Jul 17, 2011 14:52:13 GMT -5
sorry martin, are you trying to be rude to me? or trying to help me?
@amylou, yes more of r&b than anything. I was happy with the way it turned out. I just write as a hobby but Id like to do it as a profession. Im going to enter some writing contests by the end of the year though.
also you have a point too amy, but Ive tried writing country but I can never get the structure down so Ive never really attempted it since than which was a couple years ago.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 17, 2011 14:58:22 GMT -5
I think you need help!
How about some prose?
To me lyrics are quicksand, you disappear until you find the root of a tree (prose) then drag yourself out and carry on running from the tanned man with a hard on
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Post by amylou on Jul 17, 2011 15:02:16 GMT -5
Martin's just abrupt but does tell the truth. He's right, I would work on some prose too. Lyrics are fun, great, but how deep can you really go in a song. My writing is what it is because of Martin's generous help. Don't take offense, he's a gentle giant.
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Post by influential on Jul 17, 2011 15:05:42 GMT -5
if you dont like lyrics, than dont read my stuff cause thats all its going to be. Going outside of my comfort zone, will not work for me. I only write lyrics. Not poems, not short stories or anything. sorry. not trying to be rude but thats all I do.
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Post by influential on Jul 17, 2011 15:07:39 GMT -5
whats a prose you 2 are talking about?
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 17, 2011 15:08:37 GMT -5
But they are not lyrics. You have something, but something isn't a finer point without a name.
If you don't want good critique then wash your pants!
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 17, 2011 15:11:45 GMT -5
Lily, if you can't see what I'm doing, go smack a sane mans face.
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Post by influential on Jul 17, 2011 15:12:26 GMT -5
I never said I didnt want a critique... you said you dont like lyrics, thats why I said that.
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Lily
Administrator
Posts: 2,197
Joined: May 2011
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Post by Lily on Jul 17, 2011 15:14:05 GMT -5
I think this is very good, influential. I'm no lyrics expert, of course. But personally, I'd say you really have something here.
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