A Girl

[anonymous]

Who is a girl?
She is the one who bears the pain of being called
“burden” on her parents silently since birth.
She cares for her parents by heart, sacrifices the toys
for her brother at a very tender age and one day leaves her sweet home
to make someone else’s house a heaven.

There she meets her “Prince Charming”
But he also differ from her imagination.
Throughout the day she listens to the taunts of her in-laws
And at night serves her spouse in bed.

She bears the labor pains for nine months with the perception
That perhaps her child will understands her someday
But he also abandons her thinking that she has become insane
with her old age.

And one day she dies while praying to god to keep all
her loved ones happy.

[Lily]

Oh how true that all is. Loved it!

[anonymous]

Thanks a lot lily. I am glad that you like it.

[Richard]

Anonymous several thoughts come to mind when I read this. First, I think you need to correct some words and spelling. Second, I would like to make the changes as to how this comes across to me, with one little addition at the end.

(Please don't take offense at anything I change as this is only my interpretation and what it says to me)

Who is a girl?

She is the one who bears the pain of being called
“burden” on her parents silently since birth.

She cares for her parents by heart, sacrifices the toys
for her brother at a very tender age and one day leaves her sweet home to make someone else’s house a haven.

There she met her “Prince Charming”
But he also differs from her imagination.

Throughout the day she listens to the derision of her in-laws
And at night serves her spouse in bed.

She bears the labor pains for nine months with the perception
That perhaps her child will understand her someday

But he also abandons her, thinking that she has become demented
with her old age.

And one day she dies while praying to god to keep all
her loved ones happy.

Who is the Girl? She is the one who became the woman, while the girl remains.


Just feedback from an amateur.

[bubblegum91]

I quite liked this, though I'm hardly an expert on poetry. Keep on writing.

[anonymous]

Thanks a lot Richard for reading my poem and giving me the feedback. I really appreciate this. I have done few changes as per your suggestions as i was confused whether to write this poem in the past or present tense. That is why I goofed up. I really like the ending that you gave to my poem. I'll take care of the grammar and spellings in the future.

Thanks a lot bubblegum for reading and liking my poem. I am glad and appreciate this. :-)