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Post by waterpoor on Jul 22, 2011 23:37:16 GMT -5
The Politicians
Marking time
with pyramids and wars,
sandstone footprints
of moccasins and dinosaurs
provide routes for evolving
minds. Subterfuge
and hypocrisy
and footholds
and loopholes
lead the stumbling
who proclaim
more chaos,
and name
cynicism important.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 23, 2011 4:50:35 GMT -5
Good stuff to hone here. You need a couple of days to bring it on.
Fresh mind on yesterday writing, and you could use this meat for top grade sausages
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Richard
Member
Posts: 610
Joined: July 2011
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Post by Richard on Jul 23, 2011 14:19:38 GMT -5
Waterpoor, I am definitely not a poet, and really know little about it. Any writing of mine which may be similar in structure is lyrical.
That being said, to me I think the words dinosaurs and moccasins should be reversed. But again, I'm no poet, so I say this as I would write it lyrically not poetically.
Just my 2 cents.
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Post by waterpoor on Aug 5, 2011 13:35:29 GMT -5
Richard, thanks for the read and suggestion. I used it.
R.
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Richard
Member
Posts: 610
Joined: July 2011
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Post by Richard on Aug 5, 2011 14:12:17 GMT -5
It is surely a timeless and fitting analysis.
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johnee
Member
no such self
Posts: 39
Joined: August 2011
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Post by johnee on Aug 18, 2011 20:40:57 GMT -5
the message here - more or less - is too obvious for members of a certain mindset (i concur) and not so cleverly-written as to be truly enlightening, or even entertaining to a general poetry-reading publick.
if it were more of a rant, you could get away with words like "dumb" but this is written a little softer than that, so it just sounds like a fart in the middle of a too-serious speech. same with the repeated use of "they," ya know? lol.
with something as straight-forward as this, you might begin to e it more interesting if it weren't so "little-wordy" - so - as illustration only - here's a bit of a take in that direction:
mark time
with pyramids and wars
discern sandstone footprints
moccasins and dinosaurs
routes through a slow evolution
cling to subterfuge and hypocrisy ***horribly abstract words, no business in this sort of already-polemical piece***
seek footholds and loopholes
into a coming day
The dumb, the stumbling ***ugh***
hide from wasted breath
proclaim the inevitable chaos,
and climb and climb
to camp atop a most cynical pinnacle
and christen it world-changing.
hope you don't mind my playing around with your words.
you might want to liven up your title too. this could go in a bunch of directions, it's - in the end, - up to you.
john e
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