johnee
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Post by johnee on Aug 18, 2011 21:00:45 GMT -5
farewell songconcrete stoop in winterlight afternoon's snow beneath a squall of crests for hours our faces hover close feel varied warmth nearly touch yet i barely see you wander follow a movement far from vision here yet
i can still hear you hum spells to infuse wind brought here before us in peaks and breaks above a softer snow
but it's not you who've moved
sworn to a still air ever wrapped in our breath i still see the steps down to the icy street i'll never let touch fade so warmth might not be remembered felt imagined do not need much more than clean skin in candle light hours in bed without sleep sun on our skin yet as we sailed silent waves i could still hear
a wind inception summoned one yesterday brought there to pass between us to rock a small boat on its way to the sea.
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BlueLotus
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Post by BlueLotus on Aug 19, 2011 14:59:35 GMT -5
ok. If this is suposed to be lyrics to a song you should seperate them in to their proper lines otherwise it reads like a lot of nonsense.
I have no idea where the lines are suposed to break so I am unable to even try to imagine what it might sound like (rock,pop,blues, r&b, etc...)
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johnee
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Posts: 39
Joined: August 2011
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Post by johnee on Aug 19, 2011 15:16:30 GMT -5
it isn't a song. it's a poem. i'm simply using the word "song" as one might use the single word "sonnet" to indicate a write which is short and lyrical. read it as a poem, not as a song that calls for instrumentation.
i joined this board at someone's recommendation. perhaps it's not the place for someone who is primarily interested in poetry, rather than prose?
thanks for reading. sorry to confuse you.
johnee
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Lily
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Post by Lily on Aug 19, 2011 15:19:41 GMT -5
We have a lot of poets here, Johnee. Everyone's style is different. BTW, welcome to the forum.
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BlueLotus
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Post by BlueLotus on Aug 19, 2011 15:21:29 GMT -5
John, no I simply misunderstood you that is all... I will keep that in mind next time you post something. welcome to the forums! kindest regards, ~BL~
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Post by waterpoor on Aug 20, 2011 10:35:47 GMT -5
johnee, I have spent a day wondering how to respond to your poem and your rather scathing critique of my piece, The Politicians.
First your poem. I have often wondered if I know what makes a poem a poem. That's after a couple years of college level study. Perhaps it is my intellectual shortcomings that keep me from getting most literary poetry. Because I don't get it, I don't generally enjoy it.
You have made great use of imagery in your piece. I did enjoy some of it, but for me it didn't take me anywhere. I couldn't keep up with the line breaks and the visual impressions you were working at. i.e. I just don't get it.
Don't see this as a critique of your work. I am not equipped for that job.
Re/ my piece, The Politicians--- I didn't choose to hide what I wanted to get across in obscurity. I tried to create imagery that would get my idea across.
This is a serious question, not a snide remark. Does that keep what I was saying from being a poem. Aha! I just now remembered that you started out by declaring the piece not poetry.
Stick around. Maybe I'll learn from you. R.
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johnee
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Post by johnee on Aug 20, 2011 15:16:51 GMT -5
hi, a few thoughts.
a lot of people recoil from deep investigation of poetry as an art form, and also from real critique. i dunno why this should be as regards poems and not so much as regards prose.
what is a poem? something created, in some way, using some process (even an aleatory one) that takes language to the max. you can get away with a lot writing prose, or songs (real songs) that stands out horribly in poetry. each word, the formatting, the title, the syntax - these (and many other elements) can be used freely to create a poem.
i write poetry, primarily. i've been on boards and in writing groups for over a decade. my crit of your poem was nowhere near "scathing." i was trying to be helpful.
i'm not here to wear out my palms patting people on the back, or typing the odd "good job" one liner. i'd be doing someone a disservice if i wasn't honest about my take on someone's work. if i told you your stuff was the bee's knees and you started sending out tripe and getting rejected over and over, what good would i be doing for you?
this IS a critique forum, right? so i gave you a crit, some suggestions and - perhaps - a different way to look at a poem.
i'll be back.
john e
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Lily
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Post by Lily on Aug 20, 2011 15:31:44 GMT -5
Isn't it all a bit subjective though? What one person loves, another very well might hate.
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johnee
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Post by johnee on Aug 20, 2011 16:20:27 GMT -5
certainly, there's a subjective element. but this consideration shouldn't be used to hide behind in a CRIT forum.
is everything that is posted in prose crits subjective? no. there's the element of personal preference regarding style, subject matter, etc. but a good critter should be able to see beyond things like these, and try to be honestly helpful to the writer.
maybe it's a little harder w/poetry? if i take a shopworn image from someone's work, and suggest something a little fresher, am i being subjective? and to what level? perhaps the writer can't tell the difference between cliche and turn-of-phrase, past a certain level?
one of the things that really turns me on being part of a writing community is having the ability to read new work all of the time, to interact with it, and to watch progress happen - my own and that of others'. otherwise, what's the point? well, i can also mention appreciation and enjoyment, when something is written well-enough. i have enjoyed a lot of work i've read on boards over the years, and have REALLY watched some poets grow to style and depth i would have never imagined previously.
but interaction and process: that's what we're really here for, right?
side note: it's often suggested that if a reader/critter doesn't like something, she/he should move on to another post and say nothing. i don't necessarily subscribe to that view. it's "lying by omission," at best.
interaction and process. honesty. another set of eyes.
if someone points me to "subjectivity" - some solid example of what they think a "subjective" comment is, then we can talk. but if the word "subjective" is simply being used to cut off discussion and process (and this happens a lot w/poetry, dunno why people have this idea that "anything goes" in poetry, including weakness of craft) then i can't address the word, or the issues involved. 'cause: if it ain't defined, then what, exactly, is it?
i'm glad to be here, it's been a while since i joined a new board. thanks for having me.
johnee
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Lily
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Post by Lily on Aug 20, 2011 22:58:00 GMT -5
It's our pleasure, Johnee. We value all our members. You're most welcome here.
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