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Post by waterpoor on Aug 26, 2011 0:09:07 GMT -5
Purple Dreams
A strange badge noticed by others
worn with pride reversed At night it turns and bites Checking windows looking out for who's looking in Ghosts stare and bring maggoty smells to purple dreams while I promise myself sanity
control of my night
Trusting the promises through camouflaged strangeness
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Post by bubblegum91 on Aug 27, 2011 5:40:52 GMT -5
A cool lil poem, well done.
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johnee
Member
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Posts: 39
Joined: August 2011
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Post by johnee on Aug 27, 2011 20:35:25 GMT -5
there are a lot of abstract words in this. the overall mood the write leaves with me is an unsettled one, but doesn't bring me in any further than that. there is also a lot of punctuation in this piece which also contains incomplete sentences and thoughts, and these two kinda work against each other.
It would be engaging to be able to "feel" strangeness, and sanity, and to know what your promises actually are, rather than just reading the shorthand of those words.
i was also stopped near the beginning, putting together the flow of the write - thinking that "badges" don't really "bite" as the write seems to suggest. in something this brief each word and image should be strong, or unexpected, or - the reverse - an obvious truth that people suddenly relearn.
"purple dreams" is an interesting phrase.
john e
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Post by waterpoor on Aug 28, 2011 11:42:11 GMT -5
Johnee, I messed with this hoping to make it cleaner--clearer--. I aqppreciate your critiques, mostly. Thanks R.
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johnee
Member
no such self
Posts: 39
Joined: August 2011
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Post by johnee on Aug 29, 2011 14:46:35 GMT -5
the rewrite doesn't take this anywhere new - it still has the same problems, imho. - mostly tired abstract words instead of fresh imagery and turns of phrase, and a confusion that doesn't resolve itself in any way - sometimes the confusion cooked up in a poem can be satisfyingly unresolved. here, i just say: HUH? after i finish reading. sorry.
an interesting thing to do is to pick a concrete object, and write "about" it, as an exercise. have it as an anchor, ya know?
i don't mind if poems are unclear, as long as they're fresh and engaging. most times we aren't even clear to ourselves, in the lives we lead. that's okay. but a poem is a constructed thing, meant to be around a while for people to experience it. it's different than the colors of ever-changing mood, forgetfullnesses and vague musings. again: imho, which, perhaps, others might share?
je
(ps: i did comment on Glenda In Montana - a much more successful piece, from title on down. you should take another look at that one, to help it along some.)
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