look 4 beta reader - sci fi -frst 2 chpts included

[BlueLotus]

Dear you may email your chapters to me off sight and I will read them and give you my take on them.
I'll PM you the address.

[bubblegum91]

I didn't read it all, as I'm currently under the weather, but it does seem intriguing. The scene where Joe is surrounded by cops and then just stares into the Black vehicle seems a little odd to me, like anti climatic somehow. I mean why would they go to all that effort only to politely ask Joe to accompany them? Though, I just might be used to the cliched forcing random people into black sedans.

[bryo]

hi wannabeone, i did an in depth critique of the first six or seven pages i hope my honesty does not offend you. All of the comments are genuine attempts at helping what sounds like a great idea for a novel come to fruition. Have a read and if you wish it i will crit the rest another day.

a phalanx surrounding the area immediate around Joe.(try rewording, immediate jars the reader in this context)

frozen in time (cliché: this one has been done to death)

They were interrupted by a large black SUV that suddenly swerved between (you have dealt with the expression of surprise with the word interrupted, Suddenly, is surplus to requirements and clutters the sentence) read the following it will improve your manuscript I guarantee it.

I did an ly search(see Michelle Jerott) there are 145 in these pages.


Description - Monica Wood
Circle your adverbs. Watch for unnecessary, irrelevant or extraneous adverbs (especially the ones that end in "ly"). Examine your adverbs to make sure your aren't forcing them to do the hard work of observation for you. Instead of telling us that the heroine works "tirelessly," tell us about the calluses on her hands or her heavy walk.


Writer's "Cheat Sheets" - Michelle Jerott
After the final draft, edit using the "find" function for the words on the following list: ["ly" adverbs] Next, read the sentence containing the offender, and either correct it or leave it be, depending. They are all valid words, if used in moderation, but are prone to misuse, overuse and abuse.


Show and Tell - Rogenna W. Brewer
*--ly adverbs distract from the action. Eliminate the need for them with action verbs. Instead of: "She went quickly…" try: "She hurried…" or "She bolted…". An action verb creates a picture for the reader. The right action verb creates an exact picture. "Hurried" and "bolted" both imply quickness, but each creates it's own mental image.


Two black suited men, Joe guessed represented some government agency, jumped out and swiftly walked directly to where Joe stood. ( Joe guessed represented some government agency) Joes guess interrupted the flow of the narrative for me. Describe the men a little more make them look like agency people. Let the reader guess!

“Mister Rebman?” The first man asked unceremoniously.
( The word asked is superfluous, the question mark tells the reader it is a question, use said. “Mister Rebman?” Said the first man.
( I have my doubts about ascribing the word “unceremoniously” to speech too.)

His smiling face looked up at Joe as if the man expected to be recognized( It is suffice to say (as if he) and not (as if the man) in this instance, It almost smacks of a third party.

Ah, you remember me,” the man chuckled around his cigar. ( At this point we know he is called Norman so you can drop( “the man”) You could eliminate a few(“the mans”) from the preceding paragraph too. replace with he.

Joe responded, ignoring the circumstances of the meeting.(Arrests the flow) A simple ”said Joe” continues the flow

Joe stared back at the man, not prepared to get into the car no matter what was going on. (Norman?)

not prepared to get into the car no matter what was going(This sentiment seems a little redundant too. Maybe show Joes reluctance to get into the car in another way. Consider the following:
“You wanna talk, talk on my terms,” Joe shrugged his shoulders in defiance and backed away from the vehicle.


He finished in a barely audible whisper.( he lowered his voice to a whisper)

“Even if it’s true, what could it possibly have to do with me?” Joe repeated(said Joe)


(“Look, I want to explain. Can you please get in first? I don’t want to have the whole world hear our conversation,” Norman replied as he looked out at the crowd of people slowly moving closer to the car and gave a vague wave toward them.
“Can I call my wife first?” Joe asked, stalling for time, while he tried to wrap his head around the preposterous statement his old friend had made.)

This section not only arrests the flow it practically makes the narrative go backwards and can be summed up as follows:

“Get in I’ll, explain, I don’t want the world to know,” Said Norman as he gestured to the people on the sidewalk.
“Can I call my wife first?” Joe stared in disbelief.

“What do you mean she understands? She doesn’t know you from Adam. Why would she agree to let you ... ah ... borrow me for a little while? She must be scared to death. Let me just call her to make sure she’s oaky,” Joe demanded.

Here is another example where showing Joe’s anger would paint a better picture, rather than saying Joe demanded after a fairly weak verbal intercourse. Consider.
“what do you mean?” Joe clenched his fist and brought it down hard on the roof of the S.U.V
“She’ll be scared to death” Joe shook with rage. “Give me the damn phone.”

She seemed uncharacteristically calm about the situation ( this is a whopper seven syllables, regardless of it being a dreaded (ly) word can we really assign it to calm without arresting the flow?)

fine and didn’t except to be gone more than a couple of (expect?)

He turned to stare at the man next to him, still(Norman?)

His old friend somehow managed to get the NYPD(Norman?)



“What do I want to know? I want to know exactly what’s going on. I’m walking along the street minding my own business and suddenly I find myself surrounded by a bunch of heavily armed cops. The next thing I know, I’m being whisked off on some kind of wild goose chase. I haven’t seen you in forty years and you suddenly appear and tell me we’re being invaded from outer space. The last thing I heard about you was that you retired from the NSA.”

(All this dialogue is merely going over old news. The reader will be pulled from the plot reading the facts twice) Occasional reminders have their place and can be useful but this is a large chunk and we read about it all a couple of pages ago.

[bryo]

Hi, Ken I did another eight pages brace yourself

that expectation has been treated to a roller coaster of support.( Roller coaster grates a little as a modification of support in this instance, how about (varying degrees of support) instead?

Most of the scientific community holds the same view you’ve just stated (view as you) instead? It tightens it up a little.

In another moment, both back doors were opened and Joe could see they had driven to a deserted area of the airport(Here is an example where we can make our script jump off the page by showing instead of telling) doors swung open with an eerie creaking(loud clatter)(well-oiled ease) to reveal… e. t.c.
(Describe deserted. Never pass up an opportunity to describe deserted it’s a gift from the writing gods, don’t tell, show)I.E. This part of the airport was in a state of disrepair, A hangar door was hanging on by one hinge swinging with every fresh gust of wind. You could not see through the fence for the sweetie and crisp wrappers left there by the wind. Not a pane of glass remained unbroken in the……..e.t.c

“Here, get into this,” He instructed. (He instructed, not required. you did good work beforehand the reader knows its Norman who speaks. Drop it for more impact. I would try a little humour here too, consider.

“Here, get into this,” Norman held up the suit and eyed Joe’s belly suspiciously.
“Hey its been forty years,” Joe sucked in his stomach and snatched the suit.

If at all possible try to show the reader who speaks by their actions.

“I knew you couldn’t refuse,” Norman laughed. “Although it looks like you lost a bit of weight since the suit was ordered. Come on let’s get aboard.”
(oops, I type out the review as I am reading the piece. You slipped in the weight joke. I did not retract my earlier comment though in case you wanted to play around with it.

one of the crewmembers was waiting (one of the crew was waiting

The crewman helped Joe pull on his(one of the crew)

jets and felt the plane shutter as it began(should this be shudder?)

They passed several gigantic commercial jets, their passengers glued to the small windows.(I thought this part of the airport was deserted. Would they let the public see the jet anyway?)

takeoff.(take-off)or (take off)

Joe felt his teeth involuntary grind together as the vibration(This should be presented as involuntarily, however in the light of recent lessons learned I would try and reword, to eradicate it completely.)

Another laugh, then “I’m surprised(The first three words here remind of a prompt from a screen-play.)
The plane shuttered as they passed through the low (Is shuttered a recognised aviation word that I am not aware of it or should it be shuddered again?)

and Joe felt his teeth involuntary grind together as the vibration (the word should be involuntarily in this context, however in the light of recent lessons learned I would reword the sentence and lose the word.)

Another laugh, then “I’m surprised you (The three words at the beginning of this passage look out of place, rather like a prompt in
a screen-play)

The plane shuttered as they passed through the low hanging clouds (Is shuttered a recognised avionic term that I am not aware of? If not shuddered again.)

Realizing the position of the sun meant they were continuing to head west, Jo ( I can see what you are trying to express here but what you have written does not entirely deal with the sentiment. I would beef it out a bit. Something like: Using simple navigational skills that he learned in the army Joe worked out by the position of the sun, that…….

Leveled (levelled)

And lastly, people (Finally is a tad more polished )

ones that are tops in their respective (experts, doyens, leaders, specialists)

but this nonsense about not be told who the other team(not being told)

sleep by the seemingly uncontrolled buffeting ( another prime example of how we can clutter up a sentence with unnecessary adverbs, the following is the Encarta dictionary entry for the word buffeting:
buffeting(noun)
shaking of an aircraft
An irregular shaking of a part or the whole of an aircraft during flight, usually caused by strong winds.
You already chose the perfect word with buffeting, seemingly uncontrolled are not require

Traveled (I was going to say this should be travelled then I realized you were probably right with leveled your American equivalent I am from the U.K. we do double Ls)

They stared at each other for several moments before Joe saw the man’s lips curl into a wide smile. “How’s it going Joe?” The man asked, clearly recognizing him. (Here is an example were you have already shown then you tell consider.
the man’s lips curl into a wide smile. “How’s it going Joe?” (This bit is good you show the man recognises Joe with an action( the man’s lips…), and some crisp dialogue. The reader at this point knows he recognises Joe. Then you add (The man asked, clearly recognizing him.) This stops the narrative.

[BlueLotus]

Hey dear I'm looking forward to the updated version

Did Jay ever get ahold of you? If not I'll light a fire under his bum.
And how is it going with Chris?
Hugs,
~BL~

[bryo]

Hi ken I have been so busy critiquing your novel i forgot to give you an overall opinion. Firstly having now read twenty odd pages i have got to say i like where the story is going. Sci Fi isn't really my thing, the technical terms normally put me off. You have managed to tell the story so far without too much of the jargon. I dont know if thats indicative of upcoming chapters i will have to wait and see. I like the way you have propelled (double ll mister) us straight to the nitty gritty, as it were. You set up the (one of the members of the team you aint gonna like thing) well and it was a good twist that it was his old flame. I must admit i thought it was going to be some arsey macho arch enemy. Having said that you have now raised the bar. I now expect old feelings to surface, jealousy from the fighter pilot, conflict, conflict, conflict, and thats before the aliens land(only kidding). seriously as I said before, after reading the synopsis i thought it a great, and original idea for a story, keep up the good work( and remember writers don't kiss and tell we show not tell). By the way, I posted the synopsis and prologue of my completed novel Flight of the prophet. You may, if you feel so inclined, tear it to shreds with reckless abandon(see if i care). No seriously if you could find it in your heart to give it a once over, any suggestions, corrections, observations about flow, structure, grammar, characters, anything i would appreciate it.
tnx bryo
(confucius say man who put penis in biscuit jar is f**king crackers)