No happily ever here or after

[pariah]

Feel free to critique away. Don't be shy.

I wiped a tear from my eye, took a deep breath and counted to ten before turning to face her again.

I had a thousand things that I wanted to say but when I met her eyes and saw the sparkle of patronization there my mouth clamped shut and the tears started again.

"I'm sorry," her voice dripped with condescension.

"Sorry?" I barked. "How dare you!"

Her eyes widened and told me that I was being a fool.

"These are my feelings and I'll be damned if you think I'm going to let you take responsibility for them!" I could feel the rage building inside me. "I feel like this because...well...because I do and I will not. Do you hear me? Will not give you the satisfaction of owning my feelings!"

"Then what the hell do you want from me then?" she snapped. "I didn't think it would hurt you."

"You didn't think that picking the kids up early so they could have 'alone' time with your boyfriend would be a concern?"

"Well. He'll miss them when they go away next week." she said.

"So what? he's your boyfriend and should get time with the kids on your dime not mine! I'm their father and he's your boyfriend. Do you get it?"

[Lily]

I like it pariah. It held my interest. I'd suggest that you flesh it out with descriptions of the characters and venue. Just a few words here and there would be sufficient. It would help paint a more graphic picture for the reader, rather than just the bare bones.

[pariah]

Here it is again. With a few changes.

The sun was beating me hard, causing sweat to flow freely from every pore in my body. My stomach was tied into knots and my blood boiled with such a rage that I could taste its acrid stench.

I wiped a tear from my eye, took a deep breath and counted to ten before turning to face her again.

I had a thousand things that I wanted to say but when I met her eyes and saw the sparkle of patronization there my mouth clamped shut and the tears started again.

"I apologize," her voice dripped with condescension.

"You apologize?" I barked. "How dare you!"

The look she gave me was one that I had encountered many times before during our marriage. It was a look that told me that she thought that I was acting like a childish fool.

"These are my feelings and I'll be damned if you think I'm going to let you take responsibility for them!" I said. "I feel like this because...well...because I do and I will not. Do you hear me? Will not give you the satisfaction of owning my feelings!"

"Then what the hell do you want from me then?" she snapped. "I didn't think it would hurt you."

"You didn't think that picking the kids up early so they could have 'alone' time with your boyfriend would be a concern?"

"Well. He'll miss them when they go away next week." she said.

"So what? he's your boyfriend and should get time with the kids on your dime not mine! I'm their father and he's your boyfriend. How can you not get that?"

“Look. I’m sorry,” she said before quickly adding, “For my part in how you feel. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“You treat me like a day care and what? You thought I’d just bend over and let you ram it up my ass and then say thank you?”

“Oh for Gods sake! I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. You’re blowing this way out of proportion like you always do.”

“And you just keep acting like a selfish tit and treat me like a Pariah.”

“I’ve apologized. What more do you want?”

I turned and looked at my girlfriend who had been sitting quietly on the front stoop and the look she gave back told me to back off until I could cool my emotions down.

“I want you to get in your car and go to work.” I said as I calmly stepped past my girlfriend to retreat into the house.

[amylou]

Going to look at this later tonight! Sounds interesting! Thanks for posting.

[pariah]

Jul 17, 2011 18:27:41 GMT -5 Lily said:

I like it pariah.

OK Lily.

I do have to ask a question that I hope will get you thinking...

Does location really matter? Can an two ex's not be having this argument anywhere? Would the setting change the timbre and tone of the conversation?

I agree wholeheartedly with your suggestion that the characters need to be described in a little detail...maybe just a lick though because I hope that eventually I can write this piece in such a way that it makes the reader remember the conversation but are able to picture their own characters in their own locations.

I do know however that straight dialogue can get stale really fast.

Thank you for the critique. Keep em coming.

[amylou]

Hi Pariah, I hope you don't mind but I made some suggestions below. Please feel free to ignore all of them, it's just my opinion and where I felt you could improve this piece. I felt like the dialogue was a bit forced and unnatural, you've got some great stuff to work with, you just need to polish it up. When they were arguing, it didn't feel real enough. I hope this helps, keep going with this, I really like the conflict you threw us right into!
Amylou

The sun was beating me hard (the sun doesn't actually beat you, it beats down on you though), causing sweat to flow freely from (the three f's in a row bother my ear) every pore in my body (don't need in my body - we know where pores are). My stomach was tied into in knots and my blood boiled with such a rage (.) that I could taste its acrid stench. The acrid stench was an aftertaste on my tongue.

I wiped a tear from my eye, took a deep breath and counted to ten before turning to facing her again.

I had a thousand things that I wanted to say(,) but when I met her eyes and saw the sparkle of patronization there my mouth clamped shut and the tears started again.

"I apologize," her voice dripped with condescension.

"You apologize?" I barked. "How dare you!" I don't feel like you need barked, we as the reader understand he's upset and agitated.

The look she gave me was one that I had encountered many times before during our marriage. It was a look that told me that[/b] she thought that I was acting like a childish fool. This last sentence has three thats! My goodness THAT's too many LOL By editing, I took out two of them.

"These are my feelings(.) and I'll be damned if you think I'm going to let you take responsibility for them!" I said. "I feel like this because...well...because I do and I will not. Do you hear me? (I) Will not give you the satisfaction of owning my feelings!" (I feel like his dialogue should be short. He's angry, he would speak in short sentences, broken even. "You won't own my feeling!")

"Then what the hell do you want from me then (here are two thens and you don't need either one.) ?" she snapped. (as a reader I know she's snapping) "I didn't think it would hurt you."

"You didn't think that picking the kids up early so they could have 'alone' time with your boyfriend would be a concern?" I'm not trying to nitpick here but this one sentence in my opinion is expository dialogue - you are wanting to tell the reader what they are arguing about so you give it all away right here, instead of allowing the reader to figure it out on their own and allowing the dialogue to unfold naturally.

"You're here early so the kids can spend time with him. You didn't know that would hurt me? Bullshit."


"Well. He'll miss them when they go away next week." "He just misses them when their not around." she said. tell me about the look in her eye, when she thinks of her lover missing her children and how or if it sickens the ex.

"So what? (H)he's your boyfriend and should get He gets time with the kids them on your dime not mine! I'm their father not him. You got it?" and he's your boyfriend. How can you not get that?"

“Look. I’m sorry,” she said before quickly adding, “For my part in how you feel. I didn’t think you’d mind.” I think it should read: Look. I'm sorry. I really didn't think you'd mind."

“You treat me like a day care and what? You thought I’d just bend over and let you ram it up my ass and then say thank you?”

“Oh for Gods sake! I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. You’re blowing this way out of proportion like you always do.”

“And you just keep acting like a selfish tit Hey, a new nick name for when I'm mad at hubby! and treat me like a Pariah.”

“I’ve apologized. What more do you want?”

I turned and looked at my girlfriend who had been sitting quietly on the front stoop and the look she gave back told me to back off until I could cool my emotions down.

“I want you to Just get in your car and go to work.” I said as I calmly stepped past my girlfriend to retreat into the house.