Return Chapter 1 Snip (Re-write)

[jameskresnik]

Hey Everyone!

While putting together the cash for an editor, I've been tweaking the style. Please me know what you think:


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Chapter 1: The Dash

“Did you hear that?” Joshua muttered. “Trucks. Heavy. Lots of them. Let's go.”

Esther dropped another tuber in the bag, shaking a bit of dirt off her left hand. Out of reflex, she cupped that hand over her forehead and scanned upward into the blue horizon, then down toward the opposite tree line, about 5KM off - left to right - in a pattern that didn't miss any areas.

The only thing she could see in that blue sky were a couple of birds - brown hawks to be exact. On the ground was the usual scenery: an unnaturally flat and desolate clearing extending into a vast forest of pine in the far distance. The air was almost warm, but she could feel the warmth surrendering to a sun that was low in the western sky. The shadows of the pines and the mountains was growing longer, brushing their backs.

The days were growing longer, but soon enough, it would be dusk.

She knew the trust were there for some time, but she pretend to not notice the things drifting over the smell of fresh air water and dirt. They were things she wasn't used to smelling, but they were bad all the same.

“Audio contact, multiple large vehicles approaching south-east at 10 estimated range 50Km.” Josh then lowered his field binoculars, and glanced at Esther. “Es? Are you ready?” Joshua asked, his round, green eyes flashing with an sharp, reassuring look, betrayed by a tinge of nervousness.

She wanted to brood, but quickly released the tension with a relaxed breath. This was their time, the only time they had in this place, but, it was quite amusing to see Joshua's new-found earnestness.

Esther continued to dig, but lifted her eyes and studied Josh's posture for a moment. He was sitting upright, one leg crossed over his other leg. His slim, toned, brown, body barely supported a set of nearly oversized tan fatigues. His left arm cradled his rifle, barrel pointed down. His right hand simultaneously held the binoculars to his face while keeping his loose kinky locks at bay. She wanted to talk about something other than the details of this training exercise, but it was obvious that he was back to scanning.

“We're sticking to the SOP,” Esther said while pulling up a handful of tubers. “Ma will get mad if we don't bring in enough tubers, and that means the next time around you will have to pull more for your share.” No matter what Ma, Pa or the other Guardians said, she wasn't going to spring off like a hare every time some random truck or plane approached the village only to work more the next time. They would get both jobs done, and that was that.

Esther moved closer to Joshua, probing another undisturbed spot in the cool soil with her field knife. She deliberately squatted near his sitting figure, making sure that Josh could see the cleavage of her modest breasts. Yet again, Josh kept his focus on the horizon, not even noticing that Esther was wearing new shorts and a tighter t-shirt than she usually liked.

I like going outside with him, she thought, feeling amused and more than a bit proud with this new Josh. They did had a lot of nice talks, and he wasn't too hard on the eyes - with his kinky jet black locks, full lips and brown skin, a shade or two lighter than hers, which positively glowed on days like this.

Esther paused for a brief moment, staring the last hole in the ground. It's good that he's so serious, Esther thought. But, if he's so focused, then what am I?

Esther tightened the string around the large knapsack, and tightened her mental focus, as well. Once again, she lowered herself to the earth and placed her forearm, palm down, on the ground. To better feel, she slowed her heart rate and breathing to a near crawl. She could definitely feel the vibrations and, after a minute, she could even distinguish between different sets of vibrations.

“Confirm contact,” Esther whispered. “Twenty wheeled vehicles. Zero tracked vehicles. Bearing South-east at 10Km hour range four-eight.”

Esther stood up, sheathed a now clean knife, and again out of well-trained reflex, checked her webbing, holster, magazines and made a quick mental reminder on the range and stopping power of the rounds in her trainee .45. With the 'threat' so far away, she was absolutely sure wouldn't need it, but she felt strangely reassured all the same. She finally reached up to tighten the black ribbon holding her light brown hair out of her face.

“Your perfume.” Joshua said “It's nice.”

Esther, once again, didn't feel ready to go anywhere. She felt like staying with Josh, and talking about something, anything. She stifled a pang of guilt in her chest. Her grades and ratings were still the top of her class, but she could still feel the hot breath of Ma's recent outbursts, riddled with words she wasn't used to hearing like 'poor,' 'frustrating,''disappointed,' and last, but certainly not least, 'a traitor to her genes.'

Usually, she would simply relax and flash a smile, which seemed to smother Ma's anger like gravy over a tuber. Unfortunately smiles would only get so far, and she wasn't going to blow the relaxing set-up she and Josh had going.

“Have you ever been scared Es?” Josh asked in a nearly inaudible whisper. “You've never seemed intimidated even when we had to race up the rocks.”

“I never thought about it much,” Esther mumbled as she ran over her field calculations in her mind.

Esther noticed that during the entire exchange, Joshua never turned away from the direction of the threat, despite any conceivable threat being at least forty-five kilometers away. She once again laughed a bit inside, amused at Josh's new found earnestness.

Esther switched on her brain radio and broadcast the assigned return code. Joshua, apparently hearing the broadcast, pulled up out of his crouch and positioned the rifle across his chest.

Esther casually slung the fifty kilogram bag of tubers over her shoulder, and without further signaling, took off running. Joshua, naturally, followed. She rapidly picked up speed up the grade, which just as quickly rose into into a rocky bluff densely lined with large, ancient, pine trees. She could hear Josh, right on her tail. She only half paid attention to her movements - flying over rocks and between trees at speed. Neither of them missed a single footing up the steep slope on their path.

There was no road or trail on this approach to the Settlement. In the winter, a hemp rope might be stretched out to help the younger Trainees, because even the most skilled trainee could fall to their deaths in twenty inches of snow up a 40 percent graded incline. Ester recalled Sasha, a stout young 13 year old Trainee caught in a blizzard outside the wire three winters ago. It took almost a day to remove him from the snow, and provide for his second burial.

Despite her burden, Esther again elected for the riskier lines around the trees and boulders this time out. She deliberately picked looser, less sure-footed rocks and footings. Even when slacking, she felt like pushing herself to do better.

Despite her efforts, she could sill hear Josh's footfalls close behind. Male trainees were, of course, stronger, but generally less agile, and she usually had no problem pulling away from anyone, in a technical situation. But here was Josh, surprising her again with a focus and intensity he rarely, if ever displayed until today. Sure, he was taking a less risky line, but he was actually keeping up. This time, she was too winded to laugh.

She slipped on a particularly slick rock and her cranium came within inches of a large tree limb. Whoa!, she thought with a small tinge of excitement as the rush of endorphins overwhelmed her. She lost track of Josh, but moving and leaping at thirty kilometers an hour, she didn't want to throw her attention any more on such a risky line. He's usually the one doing stupid things like this, she thought as she pushed upwards.

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Thanks for your review! -JK

[jameskresnik]

Updated with a couple of small changes. I've always had problems remembering numbers. -JK

[Lily]

Apr 9, 2012 16:24:57 GMT -5 jameskresnik said:

Updated with a couple of small changes. I've always had problems remembering numbers. -JK

Me too. We'd never make it as mathematicians. ;D

[jameskresnik]

Oh, that's why we're writers!

[jameskresnik]

Inserted more minor edits. Sorry everyone. -JK

[yarndog]

My initial reaction when reading this is that it is wordy. I know as a reader I don't find it necessary to over describe something or say the same thing two or three different ways. In those cases I lose my train of thought and I am slowed down. Bill Bryson, author of A Walk in the Woods, has a gift for giving just enough detail, just enough description, to allow my mind to grab it and finish painting it.

The only thing she could see in that blue sky were a couple of birds - brown hawks to be exact. On the ground was the usual scenery: an unnaturally flat and desolate clearing extending into a vast forest of pine in the far distance. The air was almost warm, but she could feel the warmth surrendering to a sun that was low in the western sky. The shadows of the pines and the mountains was growing longer, brushing

The above is an example of what I am talking about. I think you can shorten this paragraph and be more effective in painting the picture you want me, the reader, to see.

Esther tightened the string around the large knapsack, and tightened her mental focus, as well. Once again, she lowered herself to the earth and placed her forearm, palm down, on the ground. To better feel, she slowed her heart rate and breathing to a near crawl. She could definitely feel the vibrations and, after a minute, she could even distinguish between different sets of vibrations.

In the above paragraph I like the first sentence a lot. It's short and creates a mental picture for me my brain can wrap itself around. I would yank out ONCE AGAIN in the second sentence. I think you could also yank out TO BETTER FEEL too. I think you could get away with SHE COULD DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE DIFFERENT SETS OF VIBRATIONS for the last sentence, making it shorter.

Anyway, that's my two cents worth, hope it helps.

[yarndog]

Here is a link to an excellent article on the business of SHOW, NOT TELL. I found it to be very helpful:

www.foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show_not_tell.html

It does a magnificent job of discussing the idea that as an author we want to paint a picture and let the reader come to their own conclusion.

[jameskresnik]

Once again, thanks for all the advice.

Now, six months of work, three revisions and two proofreads later, this book is *almost* ready to go!

returnnovel.wordpress.com/2012/10/22/chapter-1-the-dash/

Chapter 1: The Dash

“Did you hear that?” Joshua whispered intently. “Trucks. Heavy. Lots of them. Let’s go.”

Esther dropped another tuber in the bag, shaking a bit of dirt off her left hand. Out of reflex she cupped that hand over her forehead and scanned upward into the blue horizon then down toward the opposite tree line, about 5 kilometers off—left to right—in a pattern that didn’t miss any areas.

The only things she could see in that blue sky were a couple of swooping brown hawks. On the ground was the usual scenery: an unnaturally flat and desolate clearing extending into a vast forest of pine in the far distance. The air was almost warm, but she could feel that warmth surrendering to a fading sun in the western sky. The shadows of the pines were growing longer, brushing their backs.

Soon enough, it would be dusk.

She knew the trucks were there for some time but pretended not to notice their exhaust drifting over the smell of fresh air, water, and dirt. They were things she wasn’t used to smelling, but they seemed bad all the same.

Josh made the call. “Audio contact: multiple large vehicles approaching south-east at ten kilometers-per-hour, estimated range fifty kilometers.” Josh then lowered his field binoculars and glanced at Esther. “Es? Are you ready?” he asked—his round, green eyes flashing with a sharp, reassuring look, betrayed by a tinge of nervousness.

She wanted to brood but quickly released her frustration with a relaxed breath. This was their time, the only time they had in this place. However, it was quite amusing to see Joshua’s newfound earnestness. She lifted her eyes and studied his posture for a moment. He was sitting upright; one leg crossed over his other leg. His slim, toned, brown body barely supported a set of nearly oversized tan fatigues. His left arm cradled his rifle, barrel pointed down. His right hand simultaneously held the binoculars to his face while keeping his loose, kinky locks at bay.

Esther reached for an excuse to say something. “We’re sticking to the SOP,” she said, while pulling up another handful of tubers. “Ma and Pa will get mad if we don’t bring in enough tubers, and that means the next time around you will have to pull more for your share.” She thought it a very reasonable response. No matter what Ma, Pa, or the other Guardians said, she wasn’t springing-off like a hare every time some random truck or ancient airplane approached the Settlement only to work more the next time. They would get both jobs done, and that was that.

Joshua exhaled and sharply nodded, firmly and silently agreeing with her thoughts.

She moved closer to Joshua, probing another undisturbed spot in the cool soil with her field knife. She deliberately squatted near his sitting figure, making sure that Josh could see the cleavage of her modest breasts. Yet again, he kept his focus on the horizon, not even noticing that she was wearing new shorts and a tighter t-shirt than she usually liked. I like going outside with him, she thought, cracking a smile. She could relax around him and say anything, and he wasn’t too hard on the eyes either—with his long black locks, full-lips and brown skin, a shade or two lighter than hers, which positively glowed on days like this.

She turned her attention back to the hole she was digging and paused for a moment, staring in the last hole in the ground. It’s good that he’s finally taking this seriously, Esther thought. But, if he’s so focused, then where am I?

Esther flicked the dirt from her knife and sheathed it in its webbing. She tightened the string around the large knapsack and tightened her mental focus as well. She once again lowered herself to the earth and placed her forearm, palm flat, down on the ground. To improve her vibration detection she slowed her heart rate and breathing to a near crawl. After a minute, she could accurately distinguish between different sets of vibrations. “Confirm contact,” Esther whispered. “Twenty wheeled vehicles. Zero tracked vehicles. Bearing south-east at ten kilometers-an-hour range, four-eight.” She stood up and again, out of well-trained reflex, checked her webbing, holsters, and magazines while making a random mental note on the range and stopping power of the rounds in her Trainee issued 45-caliber ACP pistol. With the “threat” so far away, she was absolutely sure she wouldn’t need it but felt strangely reassured all the same. Freeing her hands, she finally reached up to tighten the black ribbon holding her light brown hair out of her face.

“Your perfume,” Joshua said, “it’s nice.”

Esther again didn’t feel like going anywhere. She felt like staying with Josh and talking about something, anything. She stifled a pang of guilt in her chest. Her grades and ratings were still the top of her class, but she could still feel the hot breath of Ma’s recent outbursts riddled with words she wasn’t used to hearing like “poor,” “frustrating,” “disappointed,” and last, but certainly not least, “a traitor to her genes.” Usually, she would simply relax and flash a smile, which seemed to smother Ma’s anger like gravy over a tuber. Unfortunately, disarming smiles would only get so far, and she wasn’t going to blow the relaxing private time she and Josh had going.

She noticed that Josh never turned away from the direction of the threat, despite any conceivable threat being at least forty-five kilometers away. She laughed a bit inside, even more amused at the seemingly serious and focused man in front of her. “Hey Trainee,” she whispered playfully, “I’m ready, let’s roll.”

Esther switched on her brain radio and broadcast the assigned return code. Joshua, apparently hearing the encrypted broadcast, pulled up out of his crouch and positioned the rifle across his chest. She casually slung the roughly fifty-kilogram bag of tubers over her shoulder and, without further signaling, took off running.

She rapidly increased speed up the grade, which just as quickly rose into a rocky bluff, densely lined with large ancient pine and short, knurled juniper trees. The last of the snow had melted, but there was still a chill in the air. She could hear Josh’s footsteps, right on her tail. She only half paid attention to her own movements—flying over rocks and between trees like a panther after its quarry. Neither of them missed a single footing up the steep slope.

“You owe me a kiss if I win,” Josh said breathlessly. She heard his movement cease, apparently to turn and cover their mock retreat. Again, she was taken by a pleasant surprise mixed with a bit of anxiety. Still, her pride needed to make a real fight of it, and she huffed out a laugh of acknowledgement.

There was no road or marked trail on this approach to the Settlement. In the winter, a hemp rope might be stretched out to help the younger Trainees, because even the most skilled Trainee could fall to their deaths in twenty inches of snow up a forty percent graded incline. Esther recalled Sasha, a fifteen-year-old Trainee, caught in a blizzard outside The Wire three winters ago. It took almost a day to remove him from the snow and provide for his second burial.

She again elected for the riskier lines up the slope and deliberately picked faster but looser and more challenging footings. Despite her best efforts, she could sill hear Josh’s footfalls close behind. Male Trainees were, of course, stronger but generally less agile, and she usually had no problem pulling away from anyone in a tight, technical terrain. But here was Josh, surprising her again with a focus and intensity he rarely, if ever, displayed until today. Sure, he was taking a less risky line, but he was actually keeping up. Now, she was far too winded to laugh.

She slipped on a particularly slick rock and her cranium came within inches of a large tree limb. Whoa! she thought, with a small tinge of excitement as a rush of endorphins overwhelmed her. She lost track of him, but while moving and leaping at thirty kilometers an hour, she didn’t want to throw her attention any more on such a risky line. He’s usually the one doing silly things like this, she thought briefly, then pushed upwards.

She could feel her muscles burning as she topped the crest of the ridge and exited the tree line. She immediately looked up at the Settlement Watchtower, which was, by far, the tallest thing in the entire Settlement. The Watchtower was a tall, smooth pillar carved directly into the mountain that cradled the three sides of the Settlement. As a Guardian facility, it was completely unadorned with color, but compared to the squat, square, concrete and adobe buildings in the Village and Guardian areas, it was so tall that Esther thought it almost monumental. When she was younger, she thought the Sapientia herself descended and left it as a tribute to the Settlement. If that were the case, the Guardians had adorned the top of the Sapientia’s gift with an array of sensors that could detect everything in the electromagnetic spectrum—from radio waves to x-rays. It was also connected to a network of seismic sensors capable of recording every footfall for two-hundred kilometers, as well as optical telescopes and radar capable of detecting every moving object in the observable sky. Reconnaissance drones disguised as chunky birds rested on the top ledge.

The better regarded Trainees were allowed to spend some time in the Watchtower. Esther had been there at least three times. She recalled that first fieldtrip like it was yesterday. After Carla gave a breathless introduction and a brief run down of the sensor boards, the Guardian plopped into a reclined chair, closed her eyes and activated her digital implant’s data mode, which connected her brain directly to the Watchtower’s sensor feeds. Esther also entered data mode and sat uncomfortably in a plain metal folding chair, shadowing Carla through dozens of data streams.

Following the Guardian’s cues, she didn’t speak, sleep, eat, or go to the restroom for the entire twelve-hour shift. The room was stuffy, and the amount of data pouring in from the dozens of drones and hundreds of sensors was almost overwhelming. But when night came, Esther looked up at the visual sky sensors and counted the debris of decaying satellites and a large number of small asteroids falling into the atmosphere, exploding into a splendid display of bright orange shooting stars.

She remembered that visit fondly.

Esther paused about ten meters before The Wire. “The Wire” wasn’t actually a wire fence. It was a bunch of very serious looking metal signs. She heard there was, at one time, an actual wire fence, but there was clearly no need for it when automated smart mines and targeted beam weapons were trained on every inch of the inner perimeter.

There was a demonstration once a year. All the Trainees and Traders would be seated together, about two hundred meters from The Wire. A sick cow or goat was dressed in conventional anti-ballistic armor, then coaxed, cajoled, or driven over The Wire. She even remembered a couple of years where the condemned was flung many meters over the ground from a slow-moving aircraft. The high-density fragmentation mine always jumped out of the ground, always honed in on its target, and always detonated with enough force to induce a mild headache. There was never any need to get around to what the beam weapons could do, because all that was left was a red mist. Every two-legged resident of the Settlement knew that to cross that invisible line without permission would be instantly fatal.

Today was Guardian Tim’s shift, and as usual, he took his sweet time sending back an entry code. While waiting and catching her breath, she looked back. Joshua dashed over the ridge. With her substantially more dangerous line, and carrying a trivial fifty-plus kilogram sack of tubers, she was only about four seconds faster. Esther was losing, and regardless of the prize or penalty, she always raced to win.

She took off but Josh was right behind her and gaining. He flashed a goofy, victorious grin and sprinted through The Wire with complete confidence that he wouldn’t die. “See you in a little while!” he yelled, continuing west to the Guardian Administrative Building. Esther, smiling but feeling slightly defeated, started in the opposite direction toward the Guardian Trainer Office to deliver her haul.

He earned it, she thought. It was his personal best.

[william]

I tried to comment on this work, but I couldn't understand the context.

I suggest the writer spends a year or two in the local library, to be honest, as no amount of editing on my part will help.