avery
Member
Posts: 132
Joined: June 2011
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SMOG
Jul 15, 2011 13:30:30 GMT -5
Post by avery on Jul 15, 2011 13:30:30 GMT -5
Smog stalks the city with its tarry toxic breath, Poisoning everything it touches with cunning and stealth, It whispers in the windows, it drifts through the doors, Its acrid stench burns eyes and throats and permeates out pores.
Smog hovers over rundown shacks; It cloys, it grows, it shrouds, Then it quickly encases the penthouse suite In a heavy, noxious cloud.
Smog is aided and abetted by the damaged ozone layer. While the earth is held hostage by the sun's hostile glare. Massive crop failures become the order of the day And more and more topsoil is simply blown away.
Smog is the poisonous aura of the polluting automobile As well as other sources, which grip the earth like steel, It wraps around our world like a sinister vengeful tide, We seek to escape but there's nowhere to hide.
The countryside beckons, or an island in the bay, Everything's polluted, but at least we'd be "away." So we get in our cars, where the toxic fumes are mean And drive to a place we hope will be clean!
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SMOG
Jul 15, 2011 14:26:51 GMT -5
Post by martinshaw on Jul 15, 2011 14:26:51 GMT -5
Avery.
Not bad. I know there is a lot of work gone in to this, but you must try and lose the rhyme to gain more freedom.
Great to read you
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SMOG
Jul 15, 2011 14:35:54 GMT -5
Post by amylou on Jul 15, 2011 14:35:54 GMT -5
Hi Avery, very very nice. For some reason, rhyming poems often sound forced, as if you've tried so damn hard to find a word that will rhyme with the one you need it to. It can sound childish - not that yours does but it can have a nursery rhyme feel. What I like to do is throw in a little rhyming here and there, so that it's unexpected, a nice surprise - often in the same sentence or many lines down. It almost has to be done to where the reader doesn't know it, but knows there's something lyrical about the words and how they flow. So, I'm not against rhyming, but when it follows this sort of pattern it can feel monotonous. Martin's right - lose the rhyme to gain freedom!!! FREEDOM!!
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avery
Member
Posts: 132
Joined: June 2011
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SMOG
Jul 15, 2011 16:14:00 GMT -5
Post by avery on Jul 15, 2011 16:14:00 GMT -5
Thanks Martin and Amy. I'll work on your suggestions.
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