Need a good critiquer

[artfulhelix]

I am working on my first novel, something I have wanted to do for a long time.

My novel is a post apocalyptic / si-fi / fantasy. Not sure what other way to categorize my novel.

Sora was born the day the doors opened, a thousand years after the nuclear war destroyed the earth and the humans locked themselves underground. She is now Eighteen and taking her place as head of helix. Will she take her revenge on her uncle for killing her father and cosing her mothers death? Can she prove she is fit to lead? Can she heal her broken hart? Will she be able to mend the relationship between the humans and mutants? Will she be able to stop the coming destruction of the earth from an unknown and powerful evil?

I know its ruff. I do have one critiquer who is good, but not experienced as I need. I am looking for someone who can give me more insight to the faults of my work. I am struggling with first person POV, and show vs tell. If you believe you have the time, and can help me strengthen my writing I would love to hear from you!

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Richard]

Feb 5, 2012 13:16:18 GMT -5 artfulhelix said:

I am working on my first novel, something I have wanted to do for a long time.
My novel is a post apocalyptic / si-fi / fantasy. Not sure what other way to categorize my novel.
Sora was born the day the doors opened, a 1000 years after the nuclear war destroyed the earth and the humans locked themselves underground. She is now 18 and taking her place as head of helix. Will she get her revenge on her uncle for killing her father and cosing her mothers death? Can she prove she is fit to lead? Can she mend her broken hart? Will she be able to mend the relationship between the humans and mutants? Will she be able to stop the coming destruction of the earth from an unknown and powerful evil?
I know its ruff. I do have one critiquer who is good, but not experienced as I need. I am looking for someone who can give me more insight to the faults of my work. I am struggling with first person POV, and show vs tell. If you believe you have the time, and can help me strengthen my writing I would love to hear from you!
Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I'm 3/4 of the way through my first draft of my first sci/fy apocalyptic/post apocalyptic novel myself. Hope to have it out before the end of summer.

A few small things here, as there is only a little you posted:

A 1000 years, would be said "A one thousand years" I believe you should spell out numbers in novels in most instances. I would write it as "A thousand years." If you want to keep it a number, then make it "1000 years," and drop the "A."

18=Eighteen...again, my opinion.

"Will she get her revenge" sounds overstated, "Will she take revenge on her uncle."

A few minor misspellings easily corrected.

I'm not sure if this is a prologue, but it raises a lot of questions. I assume you are providing some background information with it:

Why is she leading at 18?

What is the Helix?

If the humans have been underground for 1000 years, when did the troubles with the mutants begin, and over what?

You use the word mend two sentences in a row, I do this too often myself. I have a Thesaurus handy when I write to mix it up. Sometimes a word gets stuck with you, and while it works, I think it turns readers off a bit thinking it is a little simplistic. That doesn't mean you can't do it here, just something I caught as I do it all the time.

If any of this helps, great. If not, then don't pay attention to it.

[artfulhelix]

It dose actually. I hate to admit it but I put the numbers in temporarily because I suck at spelling. I have improved greatly over the years.

It isn't my prologue but just a little background I wanted to put up to help who ever was reading this post. I do have a prologue but its uncertain as to weather I will be using it. I was told I needed one, but now that I have it I have been told by a few people I don't need it.

should I fill it out more and give more information. I can answer all the questions you asked, I have it all figured out.
As far as the changes in the post you suggested thank you, I will change them, you are right. I try to listen to the advice of other writers, a few times I just disagree, but in this case you are completely right.

Thank you very much for that. and please let me know when the book is out, I would love to read it. This is one of my favorite genres. I have bin told write what you know.