tywinters
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: January 2012
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Post by tywinters on Jan 30, 2012 3:38:25 GMT -5
This is the start of scene 3. I've tried to combine dialogue, action and thoughts. What do you think?
Oxford shifted in the seat before his emerald green eyes turned towards Barry Winslow. He got those from his Irish mother.
“Morning, Mr. Winslow.” His throat remained clear. “What’s this
about two cardboard boxes?”
Barry changed his expression to one of delight. “Then, I take it that you’re interested.”
There was a brief silence. Who knows what the two boxes contained. It might be junk for all he knew.
Oxford showed a cheeky grin. “Yes, I’m interested.”
“Good,” replied Barry.
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Post by joshuachrisstoff on Jan 30, 2012 11:56:23 GMT -5
Pardon me for being late and no note from mom, but what is it about?
What genre, what year, what age group, what has come b4?
I could easily have written those words and be heading into Covert Specs Ops where I write, present day.
It is a good opening but rather generic I suggest. Good but generic!
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tywinters
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: January 2012
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Post by tywinters on Jan 30, 2012 20:49:48 GMT -5
It's a mystery. And what do you mean by generic. Please explain further
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Post by joshuachrisstoff on Jan 31, 2012 10:25:19 GMT -5
Generic in this case means that it could be about anything at all. Any genre at all.
It is just 80 words, so my comment is an observation and in no way a crit. There is nothing there that tells me anything at alll, which is prolly what I should have said. I need 1k or 2k words to feel the context, genre, style, etc. Having said that, there is nothing wrong with it, that I can see, so the invite to see/read more is genuinely intended to have you post more to see what you really have, where it is and where it is going.
Please give me more!
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Post by jameskresnik on Feb 5, 2012 3:02:34 GMT -5
I read it aloud and it mostly sounds pretty good. The narrative flows well and is sufficiently descriptive. I only have one nit to pick: Oxford shifted in the seat before his emerald green eyes turned towards Barry Winslow. He got those from his Irish mother.
This line threw me off a bit as it seemed a bit extraneous, otherwise, it does appear to be a perfect stylistic choice. This passage reads fairly well. |
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Lily
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Posts: 2,197
Joined: May 2011
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Post by Lily on Feb 5, 2012 3:41:49 GMT -5
I read it aloud and it mostly sounds pretty good. The narrative flows well and is sufficiently descriptive. I only have one nit to pick: Oxford shifted in the seat before his emerald green eyes turned towards Barry Winslow. He got those from his Irish mother.
This line threw me off a bit as it seemed a bit extraneous, otherwise, it does appear to be a perfect stylistic choice. This passage reads fairly well. It could be switched around to read: "Oxford shifted in the seat before his emerald green eyes, which he got from his Irish mother, turned towards Barry Winslow. |
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Post by jameskresnik on Feb 5, 2012 16:38:20 GMT -5
Yes, that reads a lot better!
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