Post by BlueLotus on Dec 16, 2011 21:45:33 GMT -5
I have read this piece and while for the most part I find it well written there are a few problems here and there.
First of all your plot is well laid out, the reader is easily able to follow the years and events. So great job there.
However, on the same hand I find that the format is in need of some assistance.
Quotes should be separated by a line break Or stuck next to the speaker. As such:
The cat was out of the bag now. I had to assume that everyone in the office knew. That afternoon, one of the guys passing me in the hall murmured, “Still got your balls Ron?” Another asked, “Care if I cop a feel Ron?”
Later in the afternoon, Mary Alice and Grace came into my office asking for a peek. The girls were genuinely curious and I suppose if I was to be one of them, I could reveal a little of myself.
“How did you manage to hide those from us?” Mary Alice asked.
Also, There should be white space between paragraphs.
Over all the story needs a few small corrections however, coming from someone who's friend went through this I can say it is accurate in detailing out the transformation. However, I would have liked to see something of the inner struggle between trying to be the male you were born as and wanting to be the female you think you should have been.
Don't cheap out on conflict even if it is internal. The conflict is what breaths life to a tale such as this.
And while for many this may not be a comfortable subject, or material for most people. You have taken a chance, all-though a cautious one, to try and bring a little light to an alien subject.
Don't be cautious, throw caution out the window! Re-write this removing the hesitation that is so clearly obvious in this work. Then re post.
All the best,
~BL~
First of all your plot is well laid out, the reader is easily able to follow the years and events. So great job there.
However, on the same hand I find that the format is in need of some assistance.
Quotes should be separated by a line break Or stuck next to the speaker. As such:
The cat was out of the bag now. I had to assume that everyone in the office knew. That afternoon, one of the guys passing me in the hall murmured, “Still got your balls Ron?” Another asked, “Care if I cop a feel Ron?”
Later in the afternoon, Mary Alice and Grace came into my office asking for a peek. The girls were genuinely curious and I suppose if I was to be one of them, I could reveal a little of myself.
“How did you manage to hide those from us?” Mary Alice asked.
Also, There should be white space between paragraphs.
Over all the story needs a few small corrections however, coming from someone who's friend went through this I can say it is accurate in detailing out the transformation. However, I would have liked to see something of the inner struggle between trying to be the male you were born as and wanting to be the female you think you should have been.
Don't cheap out on conflict even if it is internal. The conflict is what breaths life to a tale such as this.
And while for many this may not be a comfortable subject, or material for most people. You have taken a chance, all-though a cautious one, to try and bring a little light to an alien subject.
Don't be cautious, throw caution out the window! Re-write this removing the hesitation that is so clearly obvious in this work. Then re post.
All the best,
~BL~
