kelly
Member
Posts: 64
Joined: June 2011
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Post by kelly on Jun 27, 2011 9:40:18 GMT -5
Mattie Chandler didn’t like the old farmhouse it was drafty and the roof leaked during the heavy downpours in fall but Bernie loved it and refused to move because it had been in his family for generations. The baby was due any day now and she felt heavy and cumbersome as she trod down to the creek that ran through the property adjacent to the freeway where trucks roared by on there way to Santa Fe and the small towns that lay scattered in between as well as the villages. Mattie was lonely and longed for the city and her friends who she had worked with at the main branch of the B of A which stood on the corner of 12th and Montgomery Streets between the Old Mariner bar and grill and Casey's Used furniture store. She didn't have any clear plan in mind but escape was never far from her thoughts and she resolved to get away as soon as the baby was born. Bernie had turned really weird lately and she suspected he might be doing drugs again, sometimes she smelt liquor on his breath when he got home after being away for a day or two especially on the weekends.
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Post by martinshaw on Jun 27, 2011 14:18:08 GMT -5
Don't push it, Mary Kelly.
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zoe
Member
Posts: 106
Joined: June 2011
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Post by zoe on Jun 28, 2011 1:48:41 GMT -5
I like your style and your way with words, but com'on, it's an excerpt, not SMS. It's crying for punctuation and some paragraph breaks.
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kelly
Member
Posts: 64
Joined: June 2011
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Post by kelly on Jun 29, 2011 17:34:39 GMT -5
My punctuation sucks, it's something I'll have to improve on. Thanx for the help eveyrone. I'm really pushed for time right now, but I'll revise and get back soon.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 3, 2011 15:38:38 GMT -5
Get back here now!
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pariah
Member
Posts: 107
Joined: July 2011
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Post by pariah on Jul 19, 2011 15:19:13 GMT -5
Too frantic without punctuation.
I have the same issues.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 19, 2011 15:43:22 GMT -5
I do, but mine is masturbation
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Post by bubblegum91 on Jul 20, 2011 2:12:49 GMT -5
I like it, but I had to take so many breaths while reading.
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