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Post by bubblegum91 on Aug 30, 2011 7:50:15 GMT -5
Hey there, needed to get this off my chest, so to speak. Despite my thinking that harsh crit is needed to learn, I would appreciate only comments. Though, that, is up to you. This is more or less my feelings. As I am emotionally "underdeveloped" I know it won't appear so. But like I said, I just need to get this off my chest, otherwise my memory will lock it away forever. I don't exactly know what this piece of writing is supposed to be, just to let you know ahead of time. I call it: "The Stolen."
She lies in bed weeping. Sleep has yet to take hold. Each tear flows freely for the first time in years. Agony, longing, desire, hatred, sadness. They all burn at once, threatening to overwhelm her. Why did he leave her? Was she that terrible to live with? It can only get worse now. He was the only thing holding him back. The only thing protecting her, though he didn't know it. The guilt seizes of her once more. Constricting her chest. Why didn't she tell him? Was she really that confused? That weak? No. It was him. She doesn't know how, but he forced her into secrecy. Damn him. Why couldn't he leave her alone? She was so young, so naive. He acted differently than the other adults. His eyes filled with lust, instead of love. His face smiling an evil smile, instead of a good one. Now that her protector had embraced death, she had no one. Only him. He'd let her be for the past week. No doubt scheming a way to introduce her to more depraved encounters. Why did everyone trust him? Him of all people? She curses aloud. She caresses the framed portrait of her protector, "Dad. Come back." She says desperately, her tears flooding her cheeks. "Please."
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ttttr
Member
Posts: 12
Joined: August 2011
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Post by ttttr on Sept 15, 2011 6:38:13 GMT -5
I think it is stuffing too much into one paragraph. The somehow disturbing relationship to a lover and such a monumental event as a death.
A person grieving their father's death and at the same time a fucked up relationship goes through some paradoxical feelings indeed (realizing full well which is more important). To me you outline this in this paragraph, but it must be explored much more deeply. For one, a relationship to a father is not just a relationship to a "protector".
If you want to take the story further, it's an original introduction to her lover's character, and their relationship. I don't know how to deal with the whole father thing though, I was going to suggest to take it out, but then, it is your story, and he belongs there... Maybe treat the two cases seperately, the father first, being more important.
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Post by bubblegum91 on Sept 18, 2011 0:37:06 GMT -5
You're right. The relationship is disturbing for a reason. I should note that it is written in the pov of a 10 year old child. It's actually two separate relationships. One between the child and her father. And the other the relationship between the child and her abuser. Which is a (now ex-)friend of the father. It chronicles the confusion the child feels because she has been manipulated to believe it is normal, while at the same time knows it's not. If it seems confusing, well, yeah it is, immensely. Considering I wrote this when I was 16 (just after my father died.) That's why the protection factor was so important. If he had just died, what would stop the abuser going further?
But thanks for the read anyways. I shall post the updates I make soon.
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bailish
Member
Posts: 2
Joined: September 2011
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Post by bailish on Sept 26, 2011 3:44:06 GMT -5
All of your sentences are short. You might try adding some longer sentences for more variety.
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Post by bubblegum91 on Sept 26, 2011 8:03:31 GMT -5
Thank you for the advice bailish. Good point.
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Post by joshuachrisstoff on Sept 26, 2011 8:13:19 GMT -5
Giddat Bubbles
Ballish is bang on, especially the short punchy sentences. There is nothing wrong with themn. I try to use them when I writing an action scene. What I did want was this to expand to 25 pages or so. I feel there is that much in there and the background the scenery needs to be there as well. What is her pillow case like? What colour are her sheets? What is the beadspread? What is the weather/ I feel the weqther deserves ot be cool, almost cold, wet, humid maybe or just raining.
You toss in thw 10 yo later, that is vital early on to knwo the context. I was thinking early to mid teens, no more than 16, I never thort of 10, that is fine, just needs to be in there and her confusion shown, not necessarily told. My desire is that you keep the short, punchy it adds drama, for me. Nut then the long sentences and paragraphs where you insert the background, the things that tell us everything else about her life, maybe the family structure, how the relationship was between the father and abuser/friend.
Do you wanna make it a short stopry, part of a scene in an 80k word book? Is it YA? That would make it shorter, or so I understand. I wanted to jump in and write some stuff, like examples to expand it but then I thort I didn't have ENUFF info to do such a thing. Funny that Ballish 'suggests' it is info overload but I feel there is a lacking of the depth which the story deserves.
Altho tragedies like these are not fun fodder I was drawn to it and into it. I really do look forward to you 'finishing it' so to speak and seeing what you generate. The full book, 80k words, would cover much more ground, possibly exploring her schooling, local best friends and even distant relatives of a close age. I do see huge scope, please write it for me... see, I said please! <GRIN>
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Post by mirandavalenz on Oct 6, 2011 14:59:10 GMT -5
Hi bubblegum,
I liked this little story quite a bit. It is so true for so many, sad and painful. It would make a great piece if you expand on it, just like other suggestions, make it bigger and descriptive.
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