Post by charlotte on Aug 24, 2011 17:09:07 GMT -5
I will apologise and don't expect help with the grammar and punctuation it is an early piece when I was writing short stories to go with my main fantasy. (My punctuation, grammar etc has improved since) Any feedback welcome - I am trying to work out whether to rewrite it with the characters they became in my main work.
Raven Tane stretched forth his arms and invited the magic of the Island to turn him into the bird of its choosing. In a life filled with monotonous endless days, he needed excitement. He became a sparrow. Typical, did the ancients not hear his prayer.. Flapping his wings he flew out of the Sacred Temple skylight. This should be his home, but after centuries of being stuck there waiting for something to happen it felt more like a maximum security prison. Only instead of guards and bars, his upbringing and conscience were what kept him in his place. Celibate to the core, because if he reproduced his body would start to die. His Mother had started to die when she had given birth to Raven and his siblings. She had left him with the charge that he must care for the Sacred Temple until the time came. She never did tell him what that time was.
He flew to the park in the centre of town, where he situated himself on a branch, waiting for suitable people to present with his extra special offerings. He just loved the sparrows ability to dump their cares on any passer by at will. He preferred being a pigeon from that point of view, the cares they drop are more satisfying. He bombed a couple of courting couples and a couple that seemed altogether too cheerful, today he was jealous of their happiness. During lunch he spotted a couple snogging underneath his tree how dare they, he spat the seed in his beak at them.
A little sparrow came and sat down beside him. She was excited. Bird is difficult enough to follow. sparrow is a verbal automatic weapon. Did she wink at him? He hadn't worked out how to do that as a sparrow. Then she waggled her tail feathers at him. The little flirt. He felt, the heat rise inside him and he was all excited. Then they tweeted and flapped ferociously. Feathers everywhere. He gave her little peck on the bottom. They disappeared behind a bush together.
Raven had been picked up by the Maggie May of the bird world. He wasn't happy about the subsequent bird seed payment And he wasn't sure doing it as a bird satisfied his needs. Was he going to die, did it count if he was a bird? What had he done. Who would care for the Temple. A voice came to him from the ancients., 'Your answer will come. Show patience'
Only a couple of months later he was sitting enjoying tea and scones in the Temple's atrium. He heard a knock on the glass. He opened the window and in flew Maggie May. She had with her a small bird, with aquamarine eyes. He picked up enough from her to understand this was his son. When he picked the bird up a human baby appeared, very skinny and small, his face had birdlike features but there were no doubting who the eyes came from. Raven saw them in mirror every morning. Maggie May flew off and left Raven holding his baby.
The baby grew, he was very sparrow like in his behaviour. He talked fast and learned quick. He named the boy Jizi after his Father. Maggie May visited occsionally but she had no desire to be a full time parent. She firmly believed Jizi should have been kicked out of the nest years ago. To Raven, Jizi was everything he thought he could never have. Jizi brought fun and laughter to the Sacred Temple. Raven was promised that soon the Sacred Temple would be needed again, he could then go forth and start to live amongst the people on the Island he lived on. When the time was right Raven would be allowed to progress beyond the world he had always known.
Raven Tane stretched forth his arms and invited the magic of the Island to turn him into the bird of its choosing. In a life filled with monotonous endless days, he needed excitement. He became a sparrow. Typical, did the ancients not hear his prayer.. Flapping his wings he flew out of the Sacred Temple skylight. This should be his home, but after centuries of being stuck there waiting for something to happen it felt more like a maximum security prison. Only instead of guards and bars, his upbringing and conscience were what kept him in his place. Celibate to the core, because if he reproduced his body would start to die. His Mother had started to die when she had given birth to Raven and his siblings. She had left him with the charge that he must care for the Sacred Temple until the time came. She never did tell him what that time was.
He flew to the park in the centre of town, where he situated himself on a branch, waiting for suitable people to present with his extra special offerings. He just loved the sparrows ability to dump their cares on any passer by at will. He preferred being a pigeon from that point of view, the cares they drop are more satisfying. He bombed a couple of courting couples and a couple that seemed altogether too cheerful, today he was jealous of their happiness. During lunch he spotted a couple snogging underneath his tree how dare they, he spat the seed in his beak at them.
A little sparrow came and sat down beside him. She was excited. Bird is difficult enough to follow. sparrow is a verbal automatic weapon. Did she wink at him? He hadn't worked out how to do that as a sparrow. Then she waggled her tail feathers at him. The little flirt. He felt, the heat rise inside him and he was all excited. Then they tweeted and flapped ferociously. Feathers everywhere. He gave her little peck on the bottom. They disappeared behind a bush together.
Raven had been picked up by the Maggie May of the bird world. He wasn't happy about the subsequent bird seed payment And he wasn't sure doing it as a bird satisfied his needs. Was he going to die, did it count if he was a bird? What had he done. Who would care for the Temple. A voice came to him from the ancients., 'Your answer will come. Show patience'
Only a couple of months later he was sitting enjoying tea and scones in the Temple's atrium. He heard a knock on the glass. He opened the window and in flew Maggie May. She had with her a small bird, with aquamarine eyes. He picked up enough from her to understand this was his son. When he picked the bird up a human baby appeared, very skinny and small, his face had birdlike features but there were no doubting who the eyes came from. Raven saw them in mirror every morning. Maggie May flew off and left Raven holding his baby.
The baby grew, he was very sparrow like in his behaviour. He talked fast and learned quick. He named the boy Jizi after his Father. Maggie May visited occsionally but she had no desire to be a full time parent. She firmly believed Jizi should have been kicked out of the nest years ago. To Raven, Jizi was everything he thought he could never have. Jizi brought fun and laughter to the Sacred Temple. Raven was promised that soon the Sacred Temple would be needed again, he could then go forth and start to live amongst the people on the Island he lived on. When the time was right Raven would be allowed to progress beyond the world he had always known.