A Honeymoon To Remember (A Horror story)

[andymetalfreak219]

This is a Horror/Thriller story, written by me. And I'll be uploading a Chapter everyday or so, and am looking for some feedback. Before the story starts, here's a quick description of the story:

Jaymi and her new Husband Mick have just recently got Married, and are now more happier than ever. They are on there Honeymoon when Mick gets some special ideas in mind that Jaymi doesn't know about.


A Honeymoon To Remember - Chapter One
They weren't long together, they weren't even a whole year together before waiting to get Married. Jaymi and her Husband Mick (only recently) met each other at in Orlando Florida, they both were on a holidays with different people but then met each other in the Nightclub at Universal Studios. Back on the night, Mick approached her with tons of confidence even though it was the insane amount of alcohol that lifted his confidence. As he was never a confident guy, he didn't even get his first kiss until he was 20 years old, let alone his virginity. As he approached her, he could see her looking at him as her friends probably talked about some guys they wanted to take home that night, and Mick wanted to be the one going home with Jaymi that's for sure. When he finally walked up to her, which seemed like 30 miles long when it was only across the Dance Floor, Jaymi was already looking at him with a cute little smile. Mick didn't even take notice of this, he was too drunk. He may of been insanely drunk, but he still believed he could pull a girl. Jaymi's two girl friends beside her turned and looked at Mick with a horrid look, as if he didn't even deserve to try see what could happen. The two girls looked back at Jaymi, and nodded their head to the left and started walking off but Jaymi stood her ground and stayed, to see what Mick wanted.

"Hiya, may I help you?" Jaymi said still with the small smile


"Eh hello! I'um Mick, I wanted to know if I could get you a drink purty lady?"


"I already have a drink, sorry"


"That's no problem purty lady, what's your name?" Mick was holding his balance, but ever slowly drifting from side to side. The Nightclub was pounding with Dance music, and all different coloured lights where flashing over and over again nonstop.


"I'm...", she thought it over in her head before actually giving her real name to this stranger. Jaymi normally didn't even go out to Nightclubs, but her friends said it was a must when on a 'Girls Holiday'. Do I really want to give this random drunk guy my name? But then again, it's just my name. I could always change it if things went bad. But he does look kind of cute. Maybe I'll give him a chance?She thought to herself.


"I'm Jaymi, you?"


"Oh I'um Mick, but I can also be whoever you want me to be!"


It wasn't even a clever chat-up line, but Jaymi laughed at it and smiled once again at Mick. As the night went on, the two got closer and closer, they grew fond of each other. They laughed, shared stories, told each other what they do, and all in return Mick just wanted a good night of loving. Which he was certain he was in for now, with all the talking they had done. As the night started to draw to a close, Mick wanted to see where things were headed.

"So eh, where you going now?" Mick said, trying to sound cool in his own way.


"I'm going back to my Hotel, what about you?"


"Well, if I get an invite to your place I surely won't pass it up"


Jaymi laughed and smiled, but very unsure of what to do right now. She wanted to bring him back to her Hotel room, but her friends (one of them at least, Brianna or Claire always got a guy) were sure to be there with some other guys and Jaymi had never brought a stranger back before, so she didn't know what to do. She was looking around in the Nightclub in all different directions, like she was nervous. But Mick started to speak again before she got to even think of an answer.


"Or if your place is off limits, you're very welcome to come back to my Hotel room. We can make ourselfs at home there. We'll be alone"


"That sounds good, let's get going then"


I actually got a guy, and am spending a night with him, only to met him a few hours ago. Finally! she thought. But what she didn't know at that time was, she was getting a lot more than a One Night Stand with Mick, she was going to spend the rest of her life by his side.

[Lily]

Welcome Andy, this looks interesting. I look forward to reading it when I have more time and can do it justice. Hope you'll be happy here.

[Richard]

Andy, I personally think you need a lot of polish to this. I’m going to re-write just the first paragraph so you understand my opinion.

Unless it is in dialogue, do not use “don’t, won’t, weren’t” etc. Spell out the words. Also do not use slang in non-dialogue narrative unless you are just writing for a young crowd who will understand all the terminology. “Pull a girl” may be appropriate for a young age group, an older crowd will view it as juvenile. The tense of the first sentence was “present future” followed by “present” followed by “past.” This did not flow.

A Honeymoon To Remember - Chapter One

They had not known each other for very long. Jaymi, and her husband Mick, met while on holiday in Orlando Florida. While spending their vacation with other friends, their paths crossed at a popular local nightclub. Mick never had much confidence when it came to talking to women. In fact, he was still a virgin. When he saw this attractive young woman [add whatever description here] come into the bar with her friends, he couldn’t take his eyes off her. With several strong drinks fortifying his courage, Mick slowly made his way to her composing the words in his mind as he went.

When she noticed someone approaching, Jaymi smiled as she looked his way. Her girlfriends also noticed Mick, but neither paid any but scant attention to him and continued on with their conversation. When he finally reached her, he “hoped to god he hadn’t had too much to drink already and that he didn’t blow his chance.”

[BlueLotus]

^ I agree with Richard here, the wording keeps me from reading the whole posting because it is too confusing. The tense issues I seen, (also where I have issues, so don't feel bad.) were annoying and I had to back track to make sure I was reading it correctly and changing it in my head to make it make sense.

That being said, I can't wait for the updated version I do love a good spook!