Critique Mr. Moderator ?

[amylou]

I would really like your opinion on this, Mr. Moderator. Or anyone else - except for blast off and hamburger. Thanks in advance for your time.

Facial

In sixty seconds
give or take,
I'm a girl diving 
into the deep,
seeking a treasure
extending from the base.
It's unyielding display 
entices me.

The swim down is delightful,
our world a memory.
I grasp the gem, 
enjoying the way it feels 
forgetting air,
fighting the rush, 
consumed.
Reaching the surface seems futile.
I'm going to drown.

In time
the flowing tides cease. 
A second longer  
my life would end.
I emerge gasping.
Yet the prize remains clinched
in my care.

Was this a treasure worth fetching?
Only if next time I take a bigger breath.  

[martinshaw]

Ooh I need a hand with this one!

I like it. You are becoming sophisticated, though what’s in your grasp should plainly be in your face to complete the circle to title at the end. The second mention of second (no pun intended) gives pause for thought whether it should be used?

Goodanga

[amylou]

I don't think you need a hand, you did just great on your own. Thanks for pointing out the second second. I never saw it! You're good Mr. Moderator! Thanks

[martinshaw]

Isn't she lovely!!!

[amylou]

Jun 24, 2011 16:31:14 GMT -5 @martinshaw said:

Isn't she lovely!!!

Thanks for noticing

[Lily]

Jun 24, 2011 5:33:11 GMT -5 @amylou said:

I don't think you need a hand, you did just great on your own. Thanks for pointing out the second second. I never saw it! You're good Mr. Moderator! Thanks

Martin is good. He has an eagle eye for detail. That's why I was delighted when he agreed to moderate the critiques section.

[amylou]

Yeah, you really are lucky he agreed to help. I can't get him to agree to anything!

What's your secret Lily?