Post by chelliegellie on Jul 21, 2011 19:21:05 GMT -5
This is Chapter one of my novel in progress, Inside Out. I want to know if it's any good. Anything I should change? Anything you like in particular? Rip it to pieces please! Tear it apart and let me know about all of my errors.
Chapter One
Ryder
Forbidden.
Its definition seems to elude mankind. When things are given the label they are often found to be more desirable. A forbidden love or action. Even a fruit. The word has from the beginning been a difficult thing to grasp. Why is it that what you cannot have seemingly more attractive than things within your grasp? People go against orders, rules, and at times all reasonable logic just to feel the thrill of attaining the forbidden. But I am not one to be pointing fingers. I myself am guilty of such.
Perhaps that is the reason why I have not broken my bad habit, because of its forbidden status. Not to mention that it’s illegal.
I lean against the smooth metallic exterior of a building, hidden in the shadows and away from the street cameras. I have been coming to this alley long enough to know when the guards will pass through. I look down at my thin silver watch and see it’s a quarter pass midnight. I tap my hand against my arm impatiently. He should have been here by now.
An automated street cleaner passes by and I tense a little, shrinking back further into the darkness. That’s when I hear his footsteps echo behind me. I glance back, making sure it’s him. I cross my arms as he approaches.
“I’m late, I know,” he says, flashing me a toothy grin. “Had a little trouble getting out here, that’s all.”
His large black eyes dart around nervously, perhaps more so than mine. A cool breezes bites at our skin, causing us to bundle up even tighter. My teeth chatter in the cold, yet I keep a stern expression on my face, narrowing my eyes at him.
“Litter, if we’re going to keep doing this you’re going have to learn how to show up on time,” I say in a low voice. “For a guard, you’re not too discrete. You’re going to get us caught.”
“I already have two strikes. I can’t afford to get caught. Do you even know what I go through to get this stuff for you?” he asks. I sigh with impatience.
“Just tell me you brought it.”
“Don’t worry,” Litter says, another smile slowly creeping onto his thin face. “I always deliver, don’t I?”
I return his grin, knowing that he’s right. Litter has never disappointed me. And I can’t wait to get my hands on what he’s brought this time. Maybe something a little more exotic than usual. My heart races at the thought.
“So how come we don’t see you at the border anymore?” he asks. “The other guys miss you. Are you getting too grown up for our child’s play now?”
“Don’t bring up the past Litter. Just give me what I came here for.”
“You make it sound like it’s been a while. But fine,” he says, opening his jacket and handing me a brown paper bag. I take it from him gently, not wanting to crush its contents. After a small peek inside, I see my treasure within.
“And don’t worry about my payment. This one’s on me,” Litter says with wink. I roll my eyes.
“Thanks Litter. You’re the best.”
“I know. But seriously, the group misses you. If you have time-.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. See you around,” I say, turning and getting ready to step back onto the street from which I came. But before I do I look back and see Litter frozen, hearing the low hum of a guard car before I do. I stop a second later, trying to figure out which direction it’s coming from. Litter grabs my arm.
Guards, I mouth to him. He nods, swearing under his breath.
“Must have started their route a little early,” he says in a nearly inaudible whisper. The two of us silently creep further into the alley keeping our ears open for the all too familiar hum. We almost make it onto a back road when a guard car rounds the corner and spots us. All four of the pod-shaped vehicle’s windows are down and four guards stare at us, particularly at me, wondering what such a young lady would be doing out this time of night. They come to a halt.
“I was just escorting her home,” Litter says in an authoritative voice. The other guards notice his uniform and nod at him. The driver starts to pulls off. I let out the breath I was holding, only to suck it back in again.
“Hold on,” I hear one of the guards say. The car remains motionless and the guard in the passenger seat exits the vehicle.
“Where’s your partner?” he asks Litter. Guards are never on solo duty within the city, always out in teams of two. Unfortunately, Litter’s partner is somewhere fast asleep, considering that he and Litter’s shift ended several hours ago. The guard looks down at my bulky jacket and sees the brown paper bag sticking out the bottom. I try to nudge it up without being obvious but I guess I give myself away.
“What’s inside?” the guard asks, looking at me. I try to stammer out a reply, but Litter comes to my aid again.
“Just some daffodils she picked at the park. Don’t worry, I’ve already written her a ticket for it.”
“Picking public flowers is illegal, I’m sure you know that,” the guard says.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly.
Something in the guard’s eyes tells me that he doesn’t quite buy Litter’s story. Maybe it’s the sweat beading down my forehead despite the chilly night air. Or my shaking hands. Or perhaps the fact that I’m backing away slowly. My head screams for me to do something, to get out of this place and disappear, so I do. I turn around and make a run for it.
Litter’s by my side in seconds, his shoes slapping loudly against the pavement. I hear the sounds of the other guards behind us and I dash around a corner. Litter and I continue down the main boulevard until we see another alley that leads off in three possible directions.
“Go,” Litter says. “I’ll handle them.”
“No Lit-.”
“Ryder, get out of here.”
I nod, taking off to the left. I hear Litter telling the guards I went another direction, then the sounds of something hitting the pavement, a struggle. I soon hear more footsteps following me and my blood rushes to my temples, pounding like the feet behind me. I look around desperately for somewhere to run, somewhere to hide, but find none. I turn a corner, then another, only to be trapped by a wall of metal.
Most of the guards are a little winded when they catch up with me, breathing in quick shallow breaths. But the guard from the passenger side steps forward and demands me to reveal what I am hiding in my jacket. Cornered and defeated, I obey, holding the crumpled brown bag out with trembling hands. He snatches the bag from me, tearing off the top. After one look inside he take out his handcuffs, turns me around and bounds my wrists together.
“You better hope this is strike one.” he says, his hot breath in my ear. “You’re friend back there wasn’t so lucky.”
Chapter One
Ryder
Forbidden.
Its definition seems to elude mankind. When things are given the label they are often found to be more desirable. A forbidden love or action. Even a fruit. The word has from the beginning been a difficult thing to grasp. Why is it that what you cannot have seemingly more attractive than things within your grasp? People go against orders, rules, and at times all reasonable logic just to feel the thrill of attaining the forbidden. But I am not one to be pointing fingers. I myself am guilty of such.
Perhaps that is the reason why I have not broken my bad habit, because of its forbidden status. Not to mention that it’s illegal.
I lean against the smooth metallic exterior of a building, hidden in the shadows and away from the street cameras. I have been coming to this alley long enough to know when the guards will pass through. I look down at my thin silver watch and see it’s a quarter pass midnight. I tap my hand against my arm impatiently. He should have been here by now.
An automated street cleaner passes by and I tense a little, shrinking back further into the darkness. That’s when I hear his footsteps echo behind me. I glance back, making sure it’s him. I cross my arms as he approaches.
“I’m late, I know,” he says, flashing me a toothy grin. “Had a little trouble getting out here, that’s all.”
His large black eyes dart around nervously, perhaps more so than mine. A cool breezes bites at our skin, causing us to bundle up even tighter. My teeth chatter in the cold, yet I keep a stern expression on my face, narrowing my eyes at him.
“Litter, if we’re going to keep doing this you’re going have to learn how to show up on time,” I say in a low voice. “For a guard, you’re not too discrete. You’re going to get us caught.”
“I already have two strikes. I can’t afford to get caught. Do you even know what I go through to get this stuff for you?” he asks. I sigh with impatience.
“Just tell me you brought it.”
“Don’t worry,” Litter says, another smile slowly creeping onto his thin face. “I always deliver, don’t I?”
I return his grin, knowing that he’s right. Litter has never disappointed me. And I can’t wait to get my hands on what he’s brought this time. Maybe something a little more exotic than usual. My heart races at the thought.
“So how come we don’t see you at the border anymore?” he asks. “The other guys miss you. Are you getting too grown up for our child’s play now?”
“Don’t bring up the past Litter. Just give me what I came here for.”
“You make it sound like it’s been a while. But fine,” he says, opening his jacket and handing me a brown paper bag. I take it from him gently, not wanting to crush its contents. After a small peek inside, I see my treasure within.
“And don’t worry about my payment. This one’s on me,” Litter says with wink. I roll my eyes.
“Thanks Litter. You’re the best.”
“I know. But seriously, the group misses you. If you have time-.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. See you around,” I say, turning and getting ready to step back onto the street from which I came. But before I do I look back and see Litter frozen, hearing the low hum of a guard car before I do. I stop a second later, trying to figure out which direction it’s coming from. Litter grabs my arm.
Guards, I mouth to him. He nods, swearing under his breath.
“Must have started their route a little early,” he says in a nearly inaudible whisper. The two of us silently creep further into the alley keeping our ears open for the all too familiar hum. We almost make it onto a back road when a guard car rounds the corner and spots us. All four of the pod-shaped vehicle’s windows are down and four guards stare at us, particularly at me, wondering what such a young lady would be doing out this time of night. They come to a halt.
“I was just escorting her home,” Litter says in an authoritative voice. The other guards notice his uniform and nod at him. The driver starts to pulls off. I let out the breath I was holding, only to suck it back in again.
“Hold on,” I hear one of the guards say. The car remains motionless and the guard in the passenger seat exits the vehicle.
“Where’s your partner?” he asks Litter. Guards are never on solo duty within the city, always out in teams of two. Unfortunately, Litter’s partner is somewhere fast asleep, considering that he and Litter’s shift ended several hours ago. The guard looks down at my bulky jacket and sees the brown paper bag sticking out the bottom. I try to nudge it up without being obvious but I guess I give myself away.
“What’s inside?” the guard asks, looking at me. I try to stammer out a reply, but Litter comes to my aid again.
“Just some daffodils she picked at the park. Don’t worry, I’ve already written her a ticket for it.”
“Picking public flowers is illegal, I’m sure you know that,” the guard says.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly.
Something in the guard’s eyes tells me that he doesn’t quite buy Litter’s story. Maybe it’s the sweat beading down my forehead despite the chilly night air. Or my shaking hands. Or perhaps the fact that I’m backing away slowly. My head screams for me to do something, to get out of this place and disappear, so I do. I turn around and make a run for it.
Litter’s by my side in seconds, his shoes slapping loudly against the pavement. I hear the sounds of the other guards behind us and I dash around a corner. Litter and I continue down the main boulevard until we see another alley that leads off in three possible directions.
“Go,” Litter says. “I’ll handle them.”
“No Lit-.”
“Ryder, get out of here.”
I nod, taking off to the left. I hear Litter telling the guards I went another direction, then the sounds of something hitting the pavement, a struggle. I soon hear more footsteps following me and my blood rushes to my temples, pounding like the feet behind me. I look around desperately for somewhere to run, somewhere to hide, but find none. I turn a corner, then another, only to be trapped by a wall of metal.
Most of the guards are a little winded when they catch up with me, breathing in quick shallow breaths. But the guard from the passenger side steps forward and demands me to reveal what I am hiding in my jacket. Cornered and defeated, I obey, holding the crumpled brown bag out with trembling hands. He snatches the bag from me, tearing off the top. After one look inside he take out his handcuffs, turns me around and bounds my wrists together.
“You better hope this is strike one.” he says, his hot breath in my ear. “You’re friend back there wasn’t so lucky.”