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Post by bubblegum91 on Jul 20, 2011 3:46:05 GMT -5
Since I am new, I thought I'd post something. Feedback? Critiques? Bring 'em on!This is an excerpt on a novel concept. No where near done. In fact, I don't even have a title!
Kayle peered at the corpse writhing at her feet. Blood trickled over it's face, accumulating in a lake beneath it's teeth.
She stood erect, her porcelain face now stained with red.
"Don't worry, it's just a bottom feeder," informed Trevor coolly. He stood slouched against the ashen bricked building. His spiked black hair had yet to loose it's cement like gel.
Kayle could feel her rage slowly build, her cheeks turning a bright shade of red.
"How can you say that?" she demanded, her red eyes ablaze.
Trevor offered an apologetic shrug, a waft of cigarette smoke bellowed from his full, luscious lips.
"Well," he puffed, "Not everyone is 'into' them as you are."
"Oh, is that what this is about?" she replied coldly, "Because you're jealous of him?" She gave him her best glare.
The question seemed to take him off guard, his blackened eyes widened, as he released a small gasp.
Kayle smirked, satisfied that she had rendered her infamous instructor speechless.
"Kayle," Trevor warned, regaining his composure, "I don't think this is critical to our training, today." He ran his hand through his spiked crown. "Training?" Kayle asked incredulously. "I'll show you training."
She pointed her arms toward him, as if lining up a target, her normally black hair slowly turned to a fiery orange, which flared up around her, like a mane of a lion. Trevor gazed at the night sky, as fire suddenly materialized. Comets of blue spitting flames hurtled toward him, like heat seeking missiles. They were bigger than any novice could conjure, then again, Kayle was no ordinary novice.
Trevor winced as he dived for cover, startling a grey alley cat passing by, who hissed in surprise. He had just managed to elude the first wave, when another crashed down upon him. His black leather jacket received the brunt, setting him alight in a brilliant mess of flames.
Kayle ceased her attack, the energy sapped from her muscles, her breath coming in long quickened bursts.
Trevor stood up, setting aside the urge to mount an return attack.
"Well," he grumbled, as he tended to his wounded jacket,"Hell hath no fury than a woman 'scorned.'"
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Post by amylou on Jul 20, 2011 6:58:05 GMT -5
Hi bublegum91, and again welcome. I will be happy to read it over!
Since I am new, I thought I'd post something. Feedback? Critiques? Bring 'em on!This is an excerpt on a novel concept. No where near done. In fact, I don't even have a title!
Kayle peered at the corpse writhing at her feet. Blood trickled over it's face, accumulating in a lake beneath it's teeth. the two it's bother my ear just a little. I wish there was another word you could use.
She stood erect, her porcelain face now stained with red. I know corpses don't usually stand erect and I assume you're referring to Kayle but it's a little confusing.
"Don't worry, it's just a bottom feeder," informed Trevor coolly. He stood slouched against the ashen bricked building. His spiked black hair had yet to loose lose it's cement like gel. you have very nice descriptions and the writing is tight, not overwritten like so many I come across!
Kayle could feel her rage slowly build, her cheeks turning a bright shade of red. Maybe try to show us a little more what it looks like for Kayle's rage to build instead of telling us. you say her cheeks turn red, but what else. clenched jaw, fists?
"How can you say that?" she demanded, her red lots of red so far, see if you can come up with another way. eyes ablaze.
Trevor offered an apologetic shrug, a waft of cigarette smoke bellowed from his full, luscious lips. Ooo lucious lips! Nice
"Well," he puffed, "Not everyone is 'into' them as you are."
"Oh, is that what this is about?" she replied coldly, "Because you're jealous of him?" She gave him her best glare.
The question seemed to take him off guard, his blackened eyes widened, as he released a small gasp.
Kayle smirked, satisfied that she had rendered her infamous instructor speechless. always nice to put your instructor in their proper place LOL
"Kayle," Trevor warned, regaining his composure, "I don't think this is critical to our training, today." He ran his hand through his spiked crown. "Training?" Kayle asked incredulously. "I'll show you training."
She pointed her arms toward him, as if lining up a target, her normally black hair slowly turned to a fiery orange, which flared up around her, like a the mane of a lion. Trevor gazed at the night sky, as fire suddenly materialized. Comets of blue spitting flames hurtled toward him, like heat seeking missiles. They were bigger than any novice could conjure, then again, Kayle was no ordinary novice. Just a quick note, I've noticed a lot of gazing, eyes widening, glaring, and then I see wincing below. Try to find more ways to show how your characters feel, their body language.
Trevor winced as he dived for cover, startling a grey alley cat passing by, who hissed in surprise. He had just managed to elude the first wave, when another crashed down upon him. His black leather jacket received the brunt, setting him alight in a brilliant mess of flames.
Kayle ceased her attack, the energy sapped from her muscles, her breath coming in long quickened bursts.
Trevor stood up, setting aside the urge to mount an a return attack.
"Well," he grumbled, as he tended to his wounded jacket,"Hell hath no fury than like a woman 'scorned.'" like, is the proper word if you want to quote the real saying. I think you are a very good writer, and no offense by this, to be so young. You show a lot of promise in my opinion and with a little time you will be on your way. Just dig deeper and push yourself more with your descriptions. What I do, is if there is a way I want to describe something, I do my best to describe it differently than it's been said a million times before. I hope this helps and good luck!
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Post by bubblegum91 on Jul 20, 2011 7:28:45 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice, Amy. Lol, don't worry, I take no offense. I'm still figuring out exactly how to describe my characters and surroundings. I like to be simple, but I want to convey alot. Just not there yet.
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Post by amylou on Jul 20, 2011 8:07:36 GMT -5
It was the two it's in that last sentence. hope that helps, you are a great writer! Keep at it!
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Post by bubblegum91 on Jul 20, 2011 8:14:11 GMT -5
My bad. Just re read your earlier post and found the answer, lol
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zoe
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Posts: 106
Joined: June 2011
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Post by zoe on Jul 20, 2011 10:05:57 GMT -5
Hey, bubblegum, welcome I've read this piece with interest. I would love to add to Amy's comments, as I also had some problem with the "telling" style of the beginning (I was pointed out the same problem with my MS some months ago, it's not something that is easy to catch). For excample the first para: "Kayle peered at the corpse writhing at her feet. Blood trickled over it's face, accumulating in a lake beneath it's teeth. She stood erect, her porcelain face now stained with red."
You relate those events coldly, "tellingly" - she did, it was, she did again. I think it can be re-written ( don't tell me on WN, lol) a little bit: "Kayle peered at the corpse writhing at her feet, watching the blood trickling over its face, creating a small lake beneath its teeth." Just a suggestion Another issue is tagging. I used to diversify with the tagging too, but it seems like the general opinion is to use more of the conservative "said" and "asked" and less "informed, shrugged, demanded". Or no tagging at all. Think how it can be sound with less tagging and a little trimmed: "Don't worry, it's just a bottom feeder." Trevor slouched against the ashen bricked building; his spiked, black hair yet to lose its cement-like gel.
Kayle's cheeks turned a bright shade of red.
"How can you say that?" she demanded, her eyes ablaze.
Trevor shrugged and a waft of cigarette smoke bellowed from his full, luscious lips."I'm not an expert, just someone who went through the same learning process just a few months ago
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Post by bubblegum91 on Jul 20, 2011 10:22:27 GMT -5
Thanks for the suggestions Zoe. I think it is just a habit I picked up at school, with the tagging. 'Said,' has always been a bit boring to me, but maybe that's because I am but an amateur.
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zoe
Member
Posts: 106
Joined: June 2011
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Post by zoe on Jul 21, 2011 0:46:15 GMT -5
Same here I always tried to avoid the boring "said", and I also used to tag and describe everything I can. I I'm not so sure about the first, maybe it's just a recent fashion. No doubt sometimes you have to vary with something more than "said". But with no tagging and less description issue I pretty agree now. People don't have as much patience as they had before TV; there is no way to force them to bear with our urge to describe anymore;)
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pariah
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Posts: 107
Joined: July 2011
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Post by pariah on Jul 21, 2011 3:30:14 GMT -5
People don't have as much patience as they had before TV; there is no way to force them to bear with our urge to describe anymore;) I agree with the first part. People don't have as much patience as they used to. the second part however is a little hard to swallow. There are and always will be die-hard readers in this world. The media might change and hold-in-your-hand books may go the way of the coo-coo but the human appetite for well written literature, with all of its gory description, will always be in need.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 21, 2011 4:02:08 GMT -5
Names begin so many books; sometimes I think publishers see this and put it straight away in the slush pile, unless they know the author.
Show and dont tell!!!!
Themes good and all told a good effort, but you need to pair it down. Similes stand out though contradict themselves.
All the best
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Post by bubblegum91 on Jul 21, 2011 5:29:12 GMT -5
Thanks martin. So I should describe the bloody, contorted corpse and set the scene before I introduce the characters? Forgive my ignorance, but I'm not entirely sure what you mean about pairing it down.
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zoe
Member
Posts: 106
Joined: June 2011
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Post by zoe on Jul 21, 2011 6:06:31 GMT -5
There are and always will be die-hard readers in this world. The media might change and hold-in-your-hand books may go the way of the coo-coo but the human appetite for well written literature, with all of its gory description, will always be in need. Totally agree! But I think we will have to adjust to the lack of patience of the majority. With a little less description <coming from someone who loooooves to describe things to death >
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