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Post by amylou on Jul 18, 2011 16:15:54 GMT -5
Okay, I'm digging deep here folks! Try not to read to much into this one, I'm really a happy person.
26 miles and 385 yards
We chose this marathon from all the others
because it was a challenge.
It promised beautiful scenery along the way
and was close to home.
Even consulted The Great Physician
He said we were in perfect condition.
We took his advice and purchased good shoes
and trained on a stable surface.
Remember how proud we were
that our running base would be built on solid ground?
He told us to keep to safe places
and always run along side one another.
We once did that, I know you remember.
He said, race for training
don't train by racing. Invest the time.
But we didn't listen,
we began to race, didn't we?
Forgetting there are no shortcuts to running the distance.
Some discomfort and soreness
comes with hard training, He warned.
I remember the hesitation in your eyes
but I made myself never think of it again.
I was in it for the long run, no pun intended.
If the pain gets better as you run,
it's probably okay to continue, He encouraged.
But you did not, you stopped.
I didn't know your injury was that bad.
I'm sorry.
So, I'm finishing this marathon alone
pacing myself like we trained,
thinking of you every step
in the running shoes we picked,
in the marathon we thought was perfect for us.
With one foot in front of the other
I charge ahead, seeing you at the finish line.
And like a fool, I still search for the smile I love
that holds the approval I need.
Of course I don't find it, it left long ago.
Instead, you're saying I'm not running fast enough,
I'm not running to your standards.
That you could run it better if you weren't injured,
something you also blame on me.
At this rate, I'll never cross the finish line,
I'm exhausted from trying
but if I do, I'll do it alone.
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Lily
Administrator
Posts: 2,197
Joined: May 2011
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Post by Lily on Jul 18, 2011 17:16:03 GMT -5
Excellent as always, Amy, and one of the most revealing poems you've written so far. You've illustrated beautifully the negative baggage that all relationships pick up along the way. And everyone crosses the finish line alone.
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Post by amylou on Jul 18, 2011 18:18:09 GMT -5
Thanks a lot Lily! Pretty deep to have been written this afternoon and now I'm in a bad mood - LOL Maybe I'm revealing too much of my past with this challenge that Martin started but dropped out of. Now I know why he quit, to remain a mystery! But seriously, this is cheap therapy right? I wanted to show how all relationships start off with so much hope and dreams of forever, but as you said that becomes tainted with reality. Thanks for reading.
Amylou
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Lily
Administrator
Posts: 2,197
Joined: May 2011
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Post by Lily on Jul 18, 2011 18:28:45 GMT -5
Marriages were originally designed as a business arrangement between families. Then in fairly recent times, the unreal expectations of never ending romance, a devoted partner for life, a soul mate, that one special person, etc. etc. crept in. The search for Mr. or Ms. Right was on big time. And hey, they only exist in our own misguided imaginations.
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Richard
Member
Posts: 610
Joined: July 2011
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Post by Richard on Jul 18, 2011 19:32:32 GMT -5
Actually, I think the "darker" side of expression is just the Reality creeping in which is often subdued by an effort to be perceived in a positive way in societal acceptance.
Always be real. I would never trust someone who is always optimistic and positive. It makes me wonder how they are functioning in such a crazed world.
BTW, I liked it. :-)
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Post by amylou on Jul 18, 2011 21:19:16 GMT -5
Thanks Richard for reading this. And I have to agree with what you said above, the darker side of expression is the reality, that was well said.
Thanks again.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 19, 2011 1:59:39 GMT -5
Not in poem format.
This doesn't do itself justice, as with your other peices. I wonder if you should try putting it in normal writing fomat for flash fiction
Good stuff again
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Post by amylou on Jul 19, 2011 4:16:32 GMT -5
Interesting Martin, that's how I had it before I put it up on here. I was trying to write it that way, but was unsure. I'll give it a try and see what I come up with.
I'm forever grateful.
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zoe
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Posts: 106
Joined: June 2011
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Post by zoe on Jul 19, 2011 5:41:27 GMT -5
Wow, Amy, I'm stunned. I never knew you were into poetry (ok ok, I realize that I have some catching up to do in this critique forum)
I love it! It begs to be put on music. I would love it metal or not-a-really-hard-rock. Reminds me of Guns N' Roses lyrics (say in Locomotive).
Amy, you damn too talented!
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Post by amylou on Jul 19, 2011 6:53:17 GMT -5
Hey Zoe, I didn't know I was into poetry either! LOL But I love writing it - it's manageable and I can focus. I'm hoping that my hard work will translate over to my ms when I'm ready to start on that again. I'm anxious to get back to it! Thank you for reading it and I'm really glad you liked it!
So I hear you published your book! I've been busy recently with kids around and taking them everywhere, like you I'm sure. But I'm going to check it out now. I'm very happy for you and can't wait to get my own copy!!
I'll respond to your message today
Amylou
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Post by amylou on Jul 19, 2011 7:49:30 GMT -5
@martin - Here it is in the format you were suggesting, I believe. Will you look this over if you have the time, is it better this way? I start questioning myself.
26 miles and 385 yards
We chose this marathon from all the others because it was a challenge. It promised beautiful scenery along the way and was close to home. Even consulted The Great Physician, he said we were in perfect health. We took his advice and purchased good shoes and trained on a stable surface. Remember how proud we were that our running base would be built on solid ground?
He told us to keep to safe places and always run along side one another. We once did that, I know you remember. And told us, race for training, don't train by racing, invest the time. But we didn't listen, we began to race, didn't we? Forgetting there are no shortcuts to running the distance.
Some discomfort and soreness comes with hard training, he warned. I remember the hesitation in your eyes, but I made myself never think of it again. I was in it for the long run, no pun intended. If you experience pain that gets better as you run, it's okay to continue, he encouraged. But you didn't give your pain a chance to ease, you stopped. I didn't know your injury was that bad. I'm sorry.
So, I'm finishing this marathon alone pacing myself like we trained, thinking of you every step, in the running shoes we picked, in the marathon we thought was perfect for us. With one foot in front of the other, I charge ahead, seeing you at the finish line. And like a fool, I still search for the smile I love, that holds the approval I need. Of course I don't find it, it left long ago.
Instead you're saying I'm not running fast enough, I'm not running to your standards. That you could run this race better if you weren't injured, something you also blame on me. I'm exhausted from trying and fear I may never be good enough to cross the finish line, but if I do, I'll do it alone.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 19, 2011 13:47:33 GMT -5
Yeah, needs re-jigging in this format, but it could work with a little more time.
I think you are venturing towards prose
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Post by amylou on Jul 20, 2011 20:25:40 GMT -5
Okay, I'll work this one out a bit more. I really like what I wrote, and feel like I want to make it better. So if I'm venture towards prose, does that mean I'm ready to go back to my ms? LOL
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