Post by isurvived on May 26, 2012 16:56:23 GMT -5
Three-year-old Lea began to stir in her comfortable crib. The afternoon sun was shining through the bedroom window right onto her back. As she started to wake completely she could tell something wonderful was happening. Grandma’s round, usually wrinkled face popped around the corner of the door. Lea saw her smiling before grandma realized she was awake. Grandma’s wrinkles always looked smaller when she smiled.
“Oh, you’re finally up” Grandma said, her grin getting even bigger and her wrinkles getting even smaller. She entered the room and took Lea out of the crib spinning her around the room before she put her down. “Come on let’s go into the living room, Mommy and Daddy have something to tell you” Grandma said.
When they went down the hall she could see her mother and father were dancing around the living room laughing and giggling.
Daddy picked her up and swung her in the air. “Well, Lea,” he said, “Looks like you’re going to be a big sister pretty soon.”
Lea had seen her aunts have babies and she knew they came from mommies’ tummies. “But Mommy’s not fat!” she blurted, making the grown ups laugh even harder.
“The baby God put in my tummy is too small to make me fat yet, but it is growing and I’ll be fat pretty soon,” Mommy said.
“Will I get to help take care of my brother, Mommy?” Lea asked.
“And how do you know its going to be a brother smarty pants?” daddy asked. “’Cause we already have one girl so its time for one boy. We have to take turns, right?!”
“Well, we’ll have to see what God gives us, honey. But yes, you can be My little helper.”
For the next several months the whole family was busy getting ready for the new baby. The guest room was changed into a nursery and decorated with jungle animals.
All of Lea’s baby things were brought down from the attic. Lea practiced getting bottles ready by putting them in a big pot of water on the toy stove in her ‘kitchen’ and boiling them. When they were all clean she filled them with water and fed them to her dolls.
She also practiced changing diapers on her dollies. She had some dolls that really peed and she practiced most with those. Boy dolls were much harder to change because they squirted when they peed! Mommy wouldn’t let her have diaper pins, so she practiced with diapers that had sticky tape or Velcro.
Lea even gave up her crib, for the baby, and started sleeping in her big girl bed. That was a scary thing to do. Lea didn’t feel safe in the big bed with no bars to keep the monsters out. Every night for about a week Mommy or Daddy would put her to bed and check her whole room for monsters. Under the bed, in the closet, outside the window, anywhere they could think of, then they would leave a night light on for Lea and Lea would say her prayers asking God to protect her. Every night for about a week Lea would end up in Mommy and Daddy’s bed. But finally she got brave enough to stay in her own bed and she was very proud of herself for doing it.
Another scary thing was happening at the same time. Her mother was in bed much too often and she had stomach pains. Lea was told that there was nothing to be worried about but something felt terribly wrong. Her Mommy never got sick before and now it seemed like she was sick all the time. This was even scarier than the big girl bed.
Sometimes Mommy was so tired she would lie in Lea’s bed and take a nap. When she woke up and was feeling better Mommy would tell Lea Jesus stories. These were special times and Lea learned that Jesus was the Son of God and he had died for our sins so we could all live with him in Heaven one day. Her favorite story was when Jesus had taken a little boy’s lunch and fed 5000 people with it!
Feb. 15th, 1995, an exciting date! Mommy is going to find out if the baby is a girl or a boy! She is going to have a picture taken of the inside of her belly and then they will be able to tell.
Daddy, Mommy and Lea all load into the old Chevy and drive down to the hospital. Mommy had to drink lots of water so the pictures would be good. Because of this she complains when Daddy hits a bump because she has to go pee. This makes Lea giggle.
They get to the hospital and check in. A volunteer takes them to the ultrasound department (that’s where they take the pictures of your insides). When they get there Mommy leaves to put a hospital gown on. Lea looks around and sees lots of other pregnant women waiting to have pictures of their babies taken. Usually, Lea thinks, hospitals are sad places. Places where you go when you have an ear infection or tonsillitis or when you fall off the swing set and hurt your arm. But today the hospital is a happy place. Everyone is finding out if their baby is a girl or boy.
When Mommy comes back into the waiting room Mommy, Daddy and Lea play a game trying to guess what all the other Mommies are having. Mommy has already guessed that hers was a girl but Daddy and Lea think it is a boy. Who ever is wrong has to buy the ice cream for the others on the way home.
Finally it is their turn and they all go squeeze in the small room. Mommy hops up on the table and lies down. The Lady with the Eeyore smock on rubs some gooey stuff on Mommy’s tummy and then starts rubbing it in with a metal tube shaped thing. Suddenly you can see the baby on the TV screen! First its tiny head, then its hand. It’s sucking its thumb! Now the lady is showing Lea where its heart is beating, thump thump, thump. Lea is so excited she is jumping up and down. “Is it a boy? Is it a boy?” she squeals “Well, let’s get this little one to turn a little so we can tell,” replies the technician.
“It’s a boy,” she says but her voice has changed. It’s gotten lower and almost tired sounding. Lea hasn’t noticed it yet but Mommy and Daddy have.
“We win Daddy” “We win!” screams Lea.
“That’s great honey” says Daddy. “Mommy and Daddy have to talk to the nice lady now will you go sit with the kind ladies in the waiting room?”
One of the staff walked over to take her out of the room. Daddy didn’t sound happy. He sounded sad and scared. What was going on? All of a sudden the hospital didn’t feel like a happy place anymore.
Lea sat in the waiting room trying to be a big girl but she was scared and she didn’t know why. She needed her Mommy. She started to cry. The nice lady from behind the desk came and hugged her. It felt good but not as good as when Mommy did it. “Do you know any Jesus stories?” Lea asked. “They always help when I’m scared.” The lady smiled, put Lea on her lap and told her the story of Jesus and the children.
By the time the story was finished Daddy was back. Lea could tell he had been crying. “What’s wrong?” she screamed, throwing herself into her Daddy’s arms. “Why are you crying?” “Is my brother OK?” “Where’s Mommy?”
Daddy said “Mommy’s just changing clothes, she’ll be right back, your brother’s OK right now. The rest we’ll tell you when we get your ice cream OK Hon. Give Mommy and Daddy a minute.”
When Mommy came into the room they all walked quietly to the hospital garage. Lea was grasping Mommy’s hand so hard it hurt, but she was terrified to let it go. When they got to the car she refused to get into her car seat until Mommy agreed to sit in the backseat with her, holding her hand. They went to a drive-thru to get the ice cream, none of them really wanting to be in public and drove home.
When they got home they sat Lea on the sofa between them and tried to explain what they had just found out. “Lea,” Mommy said “You remember how tired Mommy’s been and the bad tummy aches Mommy’s been having?” Lea nodded dumbly.
“Well,” said Daddy, “The doctors have found out why Mommy’s been feeling that way. Do you remember when we showed you pictures of babies growing inside their Mommies and there was that long tube that went from the Mommy to the baby?” Lea nodded “The plasen something it feeds the baby.”
“That’s right” said mommy “The placenta well Mommy’s placenta is very sick. It has a disease called cancer. This cancer can make both Mommy and your little brother very sick”
“Can the Drs. make it all better?” Lea asked. “We don’t know” Mommy answered honestly.
“Will you…Will you.. you die? Whispered Lea.
“I might” Mommy replied as she hugged Lea and they both cried. “But if I do you know I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven”. “Lets pray now” Mommy said. Lea bowed her head and folded her hands. “Dear God”, Mommy said, “I ask you to heal me from this cancer if that be your will but if you have other plans for me I ask that you always remind Lea that I am in Heaven looking down and taking care of the daughter I love so much. Amen”
Lea felt so alone she just curled up in her Mommy’s lap, sucked her thumb (something she had stopped doing months ago) and fell asleep. Eventually Daddy took her and carried her gently to her bed for the night.
The months continued to go on and Mommy continued to grow, as did the baby inside her. On Mommy’s good days they would go shopping for boy clothes for the baby. After all, Lea was quick to point out he couldn’t wear her old clothes. Mommy would ’baby’ proof the house, which meant a lot of Lea’s big girl toys had to stay in her room where the baby couldn’t get them and hurt himself.
On her bad days Mommy would mostly stay in bed and read Lea stories or teach her how to read them herself. The bigger Mommy got the more bad days she had. Lea overheard her parents talking and knew that the cancer thing was growing on the placenta too.
On May 21st Lea turned four. Mommy, Daddy, and four of Lea’s friends all went out for pizza to celebrate. Mommy pretended it was one of her good days but Lea could tell she was very tired. Daddy called Grandma to come pick Mommy up and take her home. Lea didn’t have much fun after that and was glad when it was time for her friends to be picked up.
When she got home Mommy insisted they all come up to her room and open presents. Lea was happy with a new baby boy doll and some new books but Mommy was being really sneaky about the last gift and Lea was super curious about it. Finally Mommy gave it to her to open. Inside was a beautiful Scrapbook Mommy had made all about their life together, starting with the ultrasound picture that showed she was a girl! It had her baptism and all the birthdays and Christmases. It even had pictures of all of them playing out in the snow, Daddy and her playing catch. It was the best gift ever! Mommy seemed really happy for the first time in a long time. She spent a long time telling Lea the stories behind some of the pictures. “This was when you got your 1st tooth! And “This was your 2nd Halloween, you were the princess, I was the Fairy Godmother, and Daddy was the Prince.” Lea laughed and laughed. Daddy watched it all quietly but he was smiling too. Finally Lea went to bed with her book under her pillow to give her happy dreams.
As the last month of her pregnancy went by Lea’s Mommy became completely bedridden. She was in pain almost all the time. Lea had begun to notice that the prayers had begun to shift from “make me well” to “take away the pain” and sometimes even a direct “take me home.” Lea knew that Mommy and Jesus were the smartest people in the world but she still didn’t want Mommy to go home without her!
Finally on June 7th Mommy told Daddy, “The baby’s coming! Everyone jumped into the car and hurried to the hospital. On the way there Daddy called Grandma to sit and wait with Lea while Daddy went in with Mommy. When they went into the hospital they all went up to Labor and Delivery. Grandma told Lea “That’s where the babies are born”.
Mommy was wheeled into a room with Daddy following so closely he seemed attached to the gurney. Grandma and Lea found a space in the waiting room.
A short time later Daddy came out and told Grandma it was going to be a C-section because they didn’t want to rupture the tumor on the placenta, so it should be any time now. Lea didn’t understand any of that except anytime now and she began to get excited.
What happened next terrified Lea. Bells were ringing announcements were screaming from the intercom and people pushing machines were piling into Mommy’s room while Daddy was fighting as they tried to push him out. She had never seen Daddy fight before, he was yelling words that Lea knew even Mommies and Daddies weren’t supposed to use. For a while you could hear doctors yelling orders and machines whining. Nurses ran in and out carrying bags of liquid. Lea thought she hated the noise more than she could ever hate anything. It made her feel smaller and smaller. But she was wrong. Suddenly all the noise stopped. People started walking out of the room. No one would make eye contact with the family. One lone Dr. walked up to Daddy and said “I’m sorry we did all we could. We lost them both.” The floor opened up in front of Lea and tried to swallow her up. She knew now that the silence was much worse.
Daddy slumped into the chair and cradled his head in his hands. Lea ran to Daddy with her hands up for a desperately needed hug “Are they dead?” she whispered.
Daddy got up from the chair and turned his back on Lea. “Get her the hell out of here,” he ordered grandma. Lea lost more than just her Mommy and brother that day. Somehow at only four she sensed it and grieved for Daddy too.
Grandma walked up quietly and took Lea in her arms, held her tight, and they both cried as they walked away.
Chapter 2
Lea spent that night at Grandma’s house. They both talked to Jesus a lot about how much they were going to miss Mommy and the baby and asked God to take care of them in Heaven.
While they both cried a lot they laughed some too, trying to remember the happy times. Lea remembered the time Mommy baked a cake and she didn’t know her earring had fallen into it. Daddy was sure surprised when he got a bite of earring as an extra treat! Grandma remembered when Mommy was going to feed Lea she used to have to take Lea’s toes out of her mouth so Lea could suck Mommy. Lea laughed and laughed at that. She took her shoes and socks off and tried to suck her toes but four-year-old Lea couldn’t do that.
“I know Mommy is watching from Heaven, but will I still be able to hear and feel her?” Lea asked Grandma.
“Not in the same way, honey” said Grandma “But if you try very hard you will hear and feel her just like you do Jesus when you pray.”
That night Lea cried herself to sleep and she thought she must not have been trying hard enough yet because she felt very much alone.
The next morning, Grandma and Lea met Daddy at a place called a Funeral Home. Lea asked Grandma “why was it called a home nobody lives here.” She knew that after someone died they went to Heaven if they were Jesus’ friend and somewhere else if they weren’t. No one stayed in the home.
Grandma said “it’s because it looks like a big house with lots of big rooms inside.”
Lea thought this was a dumb reason but she didn’t say anything.
Lea’s Daddy had brought a pretty picture of her Mommy and the man behind the desk wrote a nice article for the Newspapers about her Mommy and the family.
Then they went into a big room filled with huge funny shaped boxes, Lea heard the man call them caskets. Grandma said “this is where Mommy and the baby’s bodies will stay when their souls go to Heaven.”
Daddy picked a wooden one that was the color of Mommy’s hair. It also had some bread and a glass on it. The bread reminded Lea of her favorite Bible story Mommy use to tell her, about the boy who gave Jesus his lunch and then Jesus fed 5000 people. Lea started to cry.
Daddy snapped “Quit crying and act like a big girl!”
But Grandma picked her up and smoothed her hair and let her cry until she was ready to stop.
That night Lea went home with Daddy but she wasn’t sure if he even knew she was there. He didn’t make her any dinner so she made herself some peanut butter and jelly.
When she couldn’t stay awake any longer she put herself to bed. She asked Daddy to tuck her in but he didn’t even answer her. She prayed that Jesus take care of Mommy and the baby and she also prayed that Daddy stop forgetting that she was still there.
The next day Daddy continued to ignore her. She got her own breakfast and lunch and Grandma came to get her dressed for the wake. She wore a pretty black dress with a pink satin sash and matching pink ribbons in her hair. Pink Mary Janes and white anklets finished the outfit. Grandma wore a black a-line dress with a large black hat and a small veil. Daddy had a black business suit with a navy blue tie.
When they got to the Funeral Home Lea took Grandma’s hand and slowly walked up to the casket. This would be the first time she had seen her Mommy since she died and the first time ever she had seen her brother. When they got to the casket she stood grasping Grandma’s hand as hard as she could for courage before she stood on her tip toes and looked over the side.
Lea thought Mommy looked happy. She didn’t look like she had a tummy-ache anymore and since the baby was out she wasn’t fat anymore either. She was holding the baby in her arms. Lea wished it was her in Mommy’s arms.
Lea couldn’t get over the baby. He was so small. He looked like he was sleeping so she couldn’t see his eyes. She wondered if they were blue like Mommy and hers or brown like Daddy’s. His hair, the little there was of it, was the dark brown of her own. She remembered the baby pictures in her scrapbook, she was a baldy too.
It seemed like hundreds of people came to say goodbye to Mommy and Hello and goodbye to the baby. Lea didn’t think it was right to just call him the baby; he deserved a name, so she started calling him Stephen. They all said things like “Its OK your Mom is in Heaven now” Or sorry for your loss” None of that made her feel better. She still missed her Mom terribly.
After what seemed like forever all the visitors went home and then the family got ready to go home. Grandma said Lea could spend the night at her house again.
Lea was so tired she went to sleep without thinking about anything. The next morning they went to Church for the Funeral mass. The family was invited into a small room and they all said their final goodbyes (and Lea snuck a teddy bear in the casket for Stephen) and then they closed the casket. The family went to the front of the church and the funeral started.
The choir sang some beautiful songs like Ave Maria and Hymn of Promise and the Priest read some Bible verses like the one about Jesus preparing a room. Then the Priest talked for a while just about Lea’s Mommy and how special she was. After he finished he asked the congregation if anyone wanted to say anything. A lot of people stood up, friends, old teachers, family, neighbors, even CCD students. Some of them just said one thing “She helped the other children with their math” and others talked longer. One cousin told every single naughty thing they did (like soaking the scout leader’s bra in water on a winter camping trip) growing up. She talked longer than the priest did.
Nobody noticed at first but Lea’s hand had gone up in the air sometime during the eulogies. When the Priest called on her she stepped up to the altar and with typical four-year-old bravery and said “Everyone has been talking about my Mommy. I want to sing a song for my baby brother, Stephen that my Mommy taught me.
“Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little Ones to him belong
They are weak but he is strong
Yes Jesus Loves Me Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus Loves me, the Bible tells me so
Jesus Loves me he who died
Heaven’s gates to open wide
Savior cast away my sin
Bid your little child com in
Yes Jesus Loves Me Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus Loves me, For my Mommy tells me so”
Only when the whole church erupted in applause and tears did Lea get embarrassed and run behind her Grandma to hide.
The family followed the casket out the door and into a big black limousine, which was going to the cemetery. Lea had never been in a limousine before and was having fun sliding back and forth on the long seats until her Daddy snapped “Your Mommy is in Heaven looking down at you and she’s disappointed you’re being so naughty.”
Lea stopped immediately and looked up to Heaven and said “I’m sorry Mommy really I am.” And she began to sob uncontrollably.
Grandma glared at Daddy and put her arm around Lea and said “its OK Lea Mommy understands.”
At the cemetery a hole was already dug for the casket. The priest said a few more prayers and then they lowered the casket into the hole. Lea and her Grandma each put one pink rose for Mommy and one white rose for Stephen in the hole and then they went back to the Limo and waited for Daddy. When he came back they left the cemetery and headed toward home to start their new life.
To call their new life living was an exaggeration. Every morning Lea would get up and Daddy wouldn’t. Lea would dress herself in whatever outfit she could reach. Today it was orange polka dot leggings with a red, white and blue sleeveless top. She would then pour a bowl of cereal for herself and daddy. Sometimes when she brought it to Daddy he would say thank you and make her feel good but most days, like today he just grunted and told her to “get the Hell out of here.”
He would stay in bed all day, never getting up to change clothes or bathe. His bedroom started to smell like the locker room after one of his baseball games that he no longer went to, only worse. Lea also suspected that sometimes Daddy had accidents where he didn’t make it to the toilet in time because sometimes it smelled like that too. There were stains on his sheets. Lea’s Daddy had never smoked before but now he was smoking so much you had to walk through a wall of haze to get to him. Dirty dishes were all over the furniture and the floor. The only time he got up was to go to the washroom and when he stood Lea and Grandma could see his pants had gotten to big.
Sometimes he cried and cried. Other times he got mad and threw things; he had broken several dishes and all of the pictures of Mommy in the room.
Both Lea and Grandma tried to go in and talk to him but it was like talking to a stranger, a bitter angry stranger. You could see it especially when you looked in his eyes. Instead of being the brilliant amber of a fall sunset they were sunken and the color of a dead fall leave.
Lea found that the only time she could talk to her Daddy without being afraid of being yelled at was when he was sleeping. She would pull the chair near him then and ‘read’ to him from her children’s picture Bible about how much God loved him. She didn’t know if it helped but she hoped it did.
After about four or five days of this Grandma decided that it wasn’t healthy to have Lea staying home taking care of Daddy all the time when he wasn’t even trying to take care of himself. So Lea was enrolled in a Church sponsored Pre School. When the bus came the first day Lea was so excited she could hardly wait. But she did ask Grandma for the hundredth time “You’ll stay with Daddy all day, He won’t be alone right?”
“Right, Now get on that bus Honey and have a great day,”
Lea loved preschool! Everyone was so nice. She wasn’t behind in any of her subjects because Mommy had taught her how to read and write before she died. When they talked about families in one of the lessons, Lea started to cry and some of the kids started to giggle. The teacher, Ms. Becky, explained to the class what had just happened to Lea and made the gigglers apologize. When they did they sounded like they really meant it. Lots of kids told her she could use their Mommy when she needed one.
During art they played with clay. Lea had never played with clay before and she liked the way it oozed through her fingers. While she twisted, rolled, pressed, and bunched it she finally decided what she was going to make. She took her time and made the very best ash tray she could for her Daddy so he wouldn’t burn the house down with his cigarettes. It was round with little tucked in spaces to hold the cigarettes. She painted it a pretty yellow color.
Then the class went to Chapel and they sang songs and listened to Jesus stories. When they sang “He’s got the little bitty babies in his hands” Lea began to cry again but the other teacher, Ms. Karen came and held her in her lap.
When Lea got home she wanted to tell Daddy all about preschool but he was in one of his moods where he didn’t want to talk to anyone. So she just gave him his ashtray and left.
She went and found Grandma and told Grandma excitedly all about her day and Grandma laughed as she realized she had her happy little girl back.
One day about a week later Lea came home to hear Daddy and Grandma fighting. “Let me the Hell alone, All I want to do is die can’t you get that you worthless witch!” Daddy shouted
“You have a daughter who needs you here you selfish old goat!” answered Grandma.
“Don’t Die! Don’t Die!” screamed Lea.
“If you don’t get up and get dressed and go see that Doctor I found for you I’ll just let you lie there and starve because neither Lea nor I will ever make you another thing to eat.”
“Fine but it’s just a waste of time. I’m just tired from everything I’ve been through.”
So that afternoon Grandma drove them all to the psychiatrist’s office. She explained to Lea “A Psychiatrist is the Doctor you go to when there is something wrong with the way you’re thinking, Like Daddy thinking he can’t get out of bed.”
When they got there the nurse called Daddy in and they talked for a long time. Then they called Grandma in so Lea went too. The Doctor said that Daddy was seriously depressed and he had given him some medicine for that. The medicine wouldn’t help for several weeks though so Grandma had to watch him closely for that time. He suggested requiring him to get up and shower before breakfast and then locking the door to his room so he couldn’t get back in. He also asked if Daddy had any single friends that could invite him out to do something fun. He said he’d do this in about 2 weeks, when the drugs were working a little bit at least. Lastly, he suggested that Daddy see a psychologist on a regular basis.
Daddy actually looked relieved that there was something they could do to help him. He started to get up on his own in the mornings and take a shower. Some mornings he even changed clothes. He would still lie around most of the day watching TV and rarely spoke to Grandma or Lea but he seemed like he was slowly getting better.
Two weeks after the Doctor’s appointment he called a divorced friend of his, Tony Willow and suggested they get together. Tony suggested they meet the following Friday for a single parents dance and Daddy agreed.
“Oh, you’re finally up” Grandma said, her grin getting even bigger and her wrinkles getting even smaller. She entered the room and took Lea out of the crib spinning her around the room before she put her down. “Come on let’s go into the living room, Mommy and Daddy have something to tell you” Grandma said.
When they went down the hall she could see her mother and father were dancing around the living room laughing and giggling.
Daddy picked her up and swung her in the air. “Well, Lea,” he said, “Looks like you’re going to be a big sister pretty soon.”
Lea had seen her aunts have babies and she knew they came from mommies’ tummies. “But Mommy’s not fat!” she blurted, making the grown ups laugh even harder.
“The baby God put in my tummy is too small to make me fat yet, but it is growing and I’ll be fat pretty soon,” Mommy said.
“Will I get to help take care of my brother, Mommy?” Lea asked.
“And how do you know its going to be a brother smarty pants?” daddy asked. “’Cause we already have one girl so its time for one boy. We have to take turns, right?!”
“Well, we’ll have to see what God gives us, honey. But yes, you can be My little helper.”
For the next several months the whole family was busy getting ready for the new baby. The guest room was changed into a nursery and decorated with jungle animals.
All of Lea’s baby things were brought down from the attic. Lea practiced getting bottles ready by putting them in a big pot of water on the toy stove in her ‘kitchen’ and boiling them. When they were all clean she filled them with water and fed them to her dolls.
She also practiced changing diapers on her dollies. She had some dolls that really peed and she practiced most with those. Boy dolls were much harder to change because they squirted when they peed! Mommy wouldn’t let her have diaper pins, so she practiced with diapers that had sticky tape or Velcro.
Lea even gave up her crib, for the baby, and started sleeping in her big girl bed. That was a scary thing to do. Lea didn’t feel safe in the big bed with no bars to keep the monsters out. Every night for about a week Mommy or Daddy would put her to bed and check her whole room for monsters. Under the bed, in the closet, outside the window, anywhere they could think of, then they would leave a night light on for Lea and Lea would say her prayers asking God to protect her. Every night for about a week Lea would end up in Mommy and Daddy’s bed. But finally she got brave enough to stay in her own bed and she was very proud of herself for doing it.
Another scary thing was happening at the same time. Her mother was in bed much too often and she had stomach pains. Lea was told that there was nothing to be worried about but something felt terribly wrong. Her Mommy never got sick before and now it seemed like she was sick all the time. This was even scarier than the big girl bed.
Sometimes Mommy was so tired she would lie in Lea’s bed and take a nap. When she woke up and was feeling better Mommy would tell Lea Jesus stories. These were special times and Lea learned that Jesus was the Son of God and he had died for our sins so we could all live with him in Heaven one day. Her favorite story was when Jesus had taken a little boy’s lunch and fed 5000 people with it!
Feb. 15th, 1995, an exciting date! Mommy is going to find out if the baby is a girl or a boy! She is going to have a picture taken of the inside of her belly and then they will be able to tell.
Daddy, Mommy and Lea all load into the old Chevy and drive down to the hospital. Mommy had to drink lots of water so the pictures would be good. Because of this she complains when Daddy hits a bump because she has to go pee. This makes Lea giggle.
They get to the hospital and check in. A volunteer takes them to the ultrasound department (that’s where they take the pictures of your insides). When they get there Mommy leaves to put a hospital gown on. Lea looks around and sees lots of other pregnant women waiting to have pictures of their babies taken. Usually, Lea thinks, hospitals are sad places. Places where you go when you have an ear infection or tonsillitis or when you fall off the swing set and hurt your arm. But today the hospital is a happy place. Everyone is finding out if their baby is a girl or boy.
When Mommy comes back into the waiting room Mommy, Daddy and Lea play a game trying to guess what all the other Mommies are having. Mommy has already guessed that hers was a girl but Daddy and Lea think it is a boy. Who ever is wrong has to buy the ice cream for the others on the way home.
Finally it is their turn and they all go squeeze in the small room. Mommy hops up on the table and lies down. The Lady with the Eeyore smock on rubs some gooey stuff on Mommy’s tummy and then starts rubbing it in with a metal tube shaped thing. Suddenly you can see the baby on the TV screen! First its tiny head, then its hand. It’s sucking its thumb! Now the lady is showing Lea where its heart is beating, thump thump, thump. Lea is so excited she is jumping up and down. “Is it a boy? Is it a boy?” she squeals “Well, let’s get this little one to turn a little so we can tell,” replies the technician.
“It’s a boy,” she says but her voice has changed. It’s gotten lower and almost tired sounding. Lea hasn’t noticed it yet but Mommy and Daddy have.
“We win Daddy” “We win!” screams Lea.
“That’s great honey” says Daddy. “Mommy and Daddy have to talk to the nice lady now will you go sit with the kind ladies in the waiting room?”
One of the staff walked over to take her out of the room. Daddy didn’t sound happy. He sounded sad and scared. What was going on? All of a sudden the hospital didn’t feel like a happy place anymore.
Lea sat in the waiting room trying to be a big girl but she was scared and she didn’t know why. She needed her Mommy. She started to cry. The nice lady from behind the desk came and hugged her. It felt good but not as good as when Mommy did it. “Do you know any Jesus stories?” Lea asked. “They always help when I’m scared.” The lady smiled, put Lea on her lap and told her the story of Jesus and the children.
By the time the story was finished Daddy was back. Lea could tell he had been crying. “What’s wrong?” she screamed, throwing herself into her Daddy’s arms. “Why are you crying?” “Is my brother OK?” “Where’s Mommy?”
Daddy said “Mommy’s just changing clothes, she’ll be right back, your brother’s OK right now. The rest we’ll tell you when we get your ice cream OK Hon. Give Mommy and Daddy a minute.”
When Mommy came into the room they all walked quietly to the hospital garage. Lea was grasping Mommy’s hand so hard it hurt, but she was terrified to let it go. When they got to the car she refused to get into her car seat until Mommy agreed to sit in the backseat with her, holding her hand. They went to a drive-thru to get the ice cream, none of them really wanting to be in public and drove home.
When they got home they sat Lea on the sofa between them and tried to explain what they had just found out. “Lea,” Mommy said “You remember how tired Mommy’s been and the bad tummy aches Mommy’s been having?” Lea nodded dumbly.
“Well,” said Daddy, “The doctors have found out why Mommy’s been feeling that way. Do you remember when we showed you pictures of babies growing inside their Mommies and there was that long tube that went from the Mommy to the baby?” Lea nodded “The plasen something it feeds the baby.”
“That’s right” said mommy “The placenta well Mommy’s placenta is very sick. It has a disease called cancer. This cancer can make both Mommy and your little brother very sick”
“Can the Drs. make it all better?” Lea asked. “We don’t know” Mommy answered honestly.
“Will you…Will you.. you die? Whispered Lea.
“I might” Mommy replied as she hugged Lea and they both cried. “But if I do you know I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven”. “Lets pray now” Mommy said. Lea bowed her head and folded her hands. “Dear God”, Mommy said, “I ask you to heal me from this cancer if that be your will but if you have other plans for me I ask that you always remind Lea that I am in Heaven looking down and taking care of the daughter I love so much. Amen”
Lea felt so alone she just curled up in her Mommy’s lap, sucked her thumb (something she had stopped doing months ago) and fell asleep. Eventually Daddy took her and carried her gently to her bed for the night.
The months continued to go on and Mommy continued to grow, as did the baby inside her. On Mommy’s good days they would go shopping for boy clothes for the baby. After all, Lea was quick to point out he couldn’t wear her old clothes. Mommy would ’baby’ proof the house, which meant a lot of Lea’s big girl toys had to stay in her room where the baby couldn’t get them and hurt himself.
On her bad days Mommy would mostly stay in bed and read Lea stories or teach her how to read them herself. The bigger Mommy got the more bad days she had. Lea overheard her parents talking and knew that the cancer thing was growing on the placenta too.
On May 21st Lea turned four. Mommy, Daddy, and four of Lea’s friends all went out for pizza to celebrate. Mommy pretended it was one of her good days but Lea could tell she was very tired. Daddy called Grandma to come pick Mommy up and take her home. Lea didn’t have much fun after that and was glad when it was time for her friends to be picked up.
When she got home Mommy insisted they all come up to her room and open presents. Lea was happy with a new baby boy doll and some new books but Mommy was being really sneaky about the last gift and Lea was super curious about it. Finally Mommy gave it to her to open. Inside was a beautiful Scrapbook Mommy had made all about their life together, starting with the ultrasound picture that showed she was a girl! It had her baptism and all the birthdays and Christmases. It even had pictures of all of them playing out in the snow, Daddy and her playing catch. It was the best gift ever! Mommy seemed really happy for the first time in a long time. She spent a long time telling Lea the stories behind some of the pictures. “This was when you got your 1st tooth! And “This was your 2nd Halloween, you were the princess, I was the Fairy Godmother, and Daddy was the Prince.” Lea laughed and laughed. Daddy watched it all quietly but he was smiling too. Finally Lea went to bed with her book under her pillow to give her happy dreams.
As the last month of her pregnancy went by Lea’s Mommy became completely bedridden. She was in pain almost all the time. Lea had begun to notice that the prayers had begun to shift from “make me well” to “take away the pain” and sometimes even a direct “take me home.” Lea knew that Mommy and Jesus were the smartest people in the world but she still didn’t want Mommy to go home without her!
Finally on June 7th Mommy told Daddy, “The baby’s coming! Everyone jumped into the car and hurried to the hospital. On the way there Daddy called Grandma to sit and wait with Lea while Daddy went in with Mommy. When they went into the hospital they all went up to Labor and Delivery. Grandma told Lea “That’s where the babies are born”.
Mommy was wheeled into a room with Daddy following so closely he seemed attached to the gurney. Grandma and Lea found a space in the waiting room.
A short time later Daddy came out and told Grandma it was going to be a C-section because they didn’t want to rupture the tumor on the placenta, so it should be any time now. Lea didn’t understand any of that except anytime now and she began to get excited.
What happened next terrified Lea. Bells were ringing announcements were screaming from the intercom and people pushing machines were piling into Mommy’s room while Daddy was fighting as they tried to push him out. She had never seen Daddy fight before, he was yelling words that Lea knew even Mommies and Daddies weren’t supposed to use. For a while you could hear doctors yelling orders and machines whining. Nurses ran in and out carrying bags of liquid. Lea thought she hated the noise more than she could ever hate anything. It made her feel smaller and smaller. But she was wrong. Suddenly all the noise stopped. People started walking out of the room. No one would make eye contact with the family. One lone Dr. walked up to Daddy and said “I’m sorry we did all we could. We lost them both.” The floor opened up in front of Lea and tried to swallow her up. She knew now that the silence was much worse.
Daddy slumped into the chair and cradled his head in his hands. Lea ran to Daddy with her hands up for a desperately needed hug “Are they dead?” she whispered.
Daddy got up from the chair and turned his back on Lea. “Get her the hell out of here,” he ordered grandma. Lea lost more than just her Mommy and brother that day. Somehow at only four she sensed it and grieved for Daddy too.
Grandma walked up quietly and took Lea in her arms, held her tight, and they both cried as they walked away.
Chapter 2
Lea spent that night at Grandma’s house. They both talked to Jesus a lot about how much they were going to miss Mommy and the baby and asked God to take care of them in Heaven.
While they both cried a lot they laughed some too, trying to remember the happy times. Lea remembered the time Mommy baked a cake and she didn’t know her earring had fallen into it. Daddy was sure surprised when he got a bite of earring as an extra treat! Grandma remembered when Mommy was going to feed Lea she used to have to take Lea’s toes out of her mouth so Lea could suck Mommy. Lea laughed and laughed at that. She took her shoes and socks off and tried to suck her toes but four-year-old Lea couldn’t do that.
“I know Mommy is watching from Heaven, but will I still be able to hear and feel her?” Lea asked Grandma.
“Not in the same way, honey” said Grandma “But if you try very hard you will hear and feel her just like you do Jesus when you pray.”
That night Lea cried herself to sleep and she thought she must not have been trying hard enough yet because she felt very much alone.
The next morning, Grandma and Lea met Daddy at a place called a Funeral Home. Lea asked Grandma “why was it called a home nobody lives here.” She knew that after someone died they went to Heaven if they were Jesus’ friend and somewhere else if they weren’t. No one stayed in the home.
Grandma said “it’s because it looks like a big house with lots of big rooms inside.”
Lea thought this was a dumb reason but she didn’t say anything.
Lea’s Daddy had brought a pretty picture of her Mommy and the man behind the desk wrote a nice article for the Newspapers about her Mommy and the family.
Then they went into a big room filled with huge funny shaped boxes, Lea heard the man call them caskets. Grandma said “this is where Mommy and the baby’s bodies will stay when their souls go to Heaven.”
Daddy picked a wooden one that was the color of Mommy’s hair. It also had some bread and a glass on it. The bread reminded Lea of her favorite Bible story Mommy use to tell her, about the boy who gave Jesus his lunch and then Jesus fed 5000 people. Lea started to cry.
Daddy snapped “Quit crying and act like a big girl!”
But Grandma picked her up and smoothed her hair and let her cry until she was ready to stop.
That night Lea went home with Daddy but she wasn’t sure if he even knew she was there. He didn’t make her any dinner so she made herself some peanut butter and jelly.
When she couldn’t stay awake any longer she put herself to bed. She asked Daddy to tuck her in but he didn’t even answer her. She prayed that Jesus take care of Mommy and the baby and she also prayed that Daddy stop forgetting that she was still there.
The next day Daddy continued to ignore her. She got her own breakfast and lunch and Grandma came to get her dressed for the wake. She wore a pretty black dress with a pink satin sash and matching pink ribbons in her hair. Pink Mary Janes and white anklets finished the outfit. Grandma wore a black a-line dress with a large black hat and a small veil. Daddy had a black business suit with a navy blue tie.
When they got to the Funeral Home Lea took Grandma’s hand and slowly walked up to the casket. This would be the first time she had seen her Mommy since she died and the first time ever she had seen her brother. When they got to the casket she stood grasping Grandma’s hand as hard as she could for courage before she stood on her tip toes and looked over the side.
Lea thought Mommy looked happy. She didn’t look like she had a tummy-ache anymore and since the baby was out she wasn’t fat anymore either. She was holding the baby in her arms. Lea wished it was her in Mommy’s arms.
Lea couldn’t get over the baby. He was so small. He looked like he was sleeping so she couldn’t see his eyes. She wondered if they were blue like Mommy and hers or brown like Daddy’s. His hair, the little there was of it, was the dark brown of her own. She remembered the baby pictures in her scrapbook, she was a baldy too.
It seemed like hundreds of people came to say goodbye to Mommy and Hello and goodbye to the baby. Lea didn’t think it was right to just call him the baby; he deserved a name, so she started calling him Stephen. They all said things like “Its OK your Mom is in Heaven now” Or sorry for your loss” None of that made her feel better. She still missed her Mom terribly.
After what seemed like forever all the visitors went home and then the family got ready to go home. Grandma said Lea could spend the night at her house again.
Lea was so tired she went to sleep without thinking about anything. The next morning they went to Church for the Funeral mass. The family was invited into a small room and they all said their final goodbyes (and Lea snuck a teddy bear in the casket for Stephen) and then they closed the casket. The family went to the front of the church and the funeral started.
The choir sang some beautiful songs like Ave Maria and Hymn of Promise and the Priest read some Bible verses like the one about Jesus preparing a room. Then the Priest talked for a while just about Lea’s Mommy and how special she was. After he finished he asked the congregation if anyone wanted to say anything. A lot of people stood up, friends, old teachers, family, neighbors, even CCD students. Some of them just said one thing “She helped the other children with their math” and others talked longer. One cousin told every single naughty thing they did (like soaking the scout leader’s bra in water on a winter camping trip) growing up. She talked longer than the priest did.
Nobody noticed at first but Lea’s hand had gone up in the air sometime during the eulogies. When the Priest called on her she stepped up to the altar and with typical four-year-old bravery and said “Everyone has been talking about my Mommy. I want to sing a song for my baby brother, Stephen that my Mommy taught me.
“Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little Ones to him belong
They are weak but he is strong
Yes Jesus Loves Me Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus Loves me, the Bible tells me so
Jesus Loves me he who died
Heaven’s gates to open wide
Savior cast away my sin
Bid your little child com in
Yes Jesus Loves Me Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus Loves me, For my Mommy tells me so”
Only when the whole church erupted in applause and tears did Lea get embarrassed and run behind her Grandma to hide.
The family followed the casket out the door and into a big black limousine, which was going to the cemetery. Lea had never been in a limousine before and was having fun sliding back and forth on the long seats until her Daddy snapped “Your Mommy is in Heaven looking down at you and she’s disappointed you’re being so naughty.”
Lea stopped immediately and looked up to Heaven and said “I’m sorry Mommy really I am.” And she began to sob uncontrollably.
Grandma glared at Daddy and put her arm around Lea and said “its OK Lea Mommy understands.”
At the cemetery a hole was already dug for the casket. The priest said a few more prayers and then they lowered the casket into the hole. Lea and her Grandma each put one pink rose for Mommy and one white rose for Stephen in the hole and then they went back to the Limo and waited for Daddy. When he came back they left the cemetery and headed toward home to start their new life.
To call their new life living was an exaggeration. Every morning Lea would get up and Daddy wouldn’t. Lea would dress herself in whatever outfit she could reach. Today it was orange polka dot leggings with a red, white and blue sleeveless top. She would then pour a bowl of cereal for herself and daddy. Sometimes when she brought it to Daddy he would say thank you and make her feel good but most days, like today he just grunted and told her to “get the Hell out of here.”
He would stay in bed all day, never getting up to change clothes or bathe. His bedroom started to smell like the locker room after one of his baseball games that he no longer went to, only worse. Lea also suspected that sometimes Daddy had accidents where he didn’t make it to the toilet in time because sometimes it smelled like that too. There were stains on his sheets. Lea’s Daddy had never smoked before but now he was smoking so much you had to walk through a wall of haze to get to him. Dirty dishes were all over the furniture and the floor. The only time he got up was to go to the washroom and when he stood Lea and Grandma could see his pants had gotten to big.
Sometimes he cried and cried. Other times he got mad and threw things; he had broken several dishes and all of the pictures of Mommy in the room.
Both Lea and Grandma tried to go in and talk to him but it was like talking to a stranger, a bitter angry stranger. You could see it especially when you looked in his eyes. Instead of being the brilliant amber of a fall sunset they were sunken and the color of a dead fall leave.
Lea found that the only time she could talk to her Daddy without being afraid of being yelled at was when he was sleeping. She would pull the chair near him then and ‘read’ to him from her children’s picture Bible about how much God loved him. She didn’t know if it helped but she hoped it did.
After about four or five days of this Grandma decided that it wasn’t healthy to have Lea staying home taking care of Daddy all the time when he wasn’t even trying to take care of himself. So Lea was enrolled in a Church sponsored Pre School. When the bus came the first day Lea was so excited she could hardly wait. But she did ask Grandma for the hundredth time “You’ll stay with Daddy all day, He won’t be alone right?”
“Right, Now get on that bus Honey and have a great day,”
Lea loved preschool! Everyone was so nice. She wasn’t behind in any of her subjects because Mommy had taught her how to read and write before she died. When they talked about families in one of the lessons, Lea started to cry and some of the kids started to giggle. The teacher, Ms. Becky, explained to the class what had just happened to Lea and made the gigglers apologize. When they did they sounded like they really meant it. Lots of kids told her she could use their Mommy when she needed one.
During art they played with clay. Lea had never played with clay before and she liked the way it oozed through her fingers. While she twisted, rolled, pressed, and bunched it she finally decided what she was going to make. She took her time and made the very best ash tray she could for her Daddy so he wouldn’t burn the house down with his cigarettes. It was round with little tucked in spaces to hold the cigarettes. She painted it a pretty yellow color.
Then the class went to Chapel and they sang songs and listened to Jesus stories. When they sang “He’s got the little bitty babies in his hands” Lea began to cry again but the other teacher, Ms. Karen came and held her in her lap.
When Lea got home she wanted to tell Daddy all about preschool but he was in one of his moods where he didn’t want to talk to anyone. So she just gave him his ashtray and left.
She went and found Grandma and told Grandma excitedly all about her day and Grandma laughed as she realized she had her happy little girl back.
One day about a week later Lea came home to hear Daddy and Grandma fighting. “Let me the Hell alone, All I want to do is die can’t you get that you worthless witch!” Daddy shouted
“You have a daughter who needs you here you selfish old goat!” answered Grandma.
“Don’t Die! Don’t Die!” screamed Lea.
“If you don’t get up and get dressed and go see that Doctor I found for you I’ll just let you lie there and starve because neither Lea nor I will ever make you another thing to eat.”
“Fine but it’s just a waste of time. I’m just tired from everything I’ve been through.”
So that afternoon Grandma drove them all to the psychiatrist’s office. She explained to Lea “A Psychiatrist is the Doctor you go to when there is something wrong with the way you’re thinking, Like Daddy thinking he can’t get out of bed.”
When they got there the nurse called Daddy in and they talked for a long time. Then they called Grandma in so Lea went too. The Doctor said that Daddy was seriously depressed and he had given him some medicine for that. The medicine wouldn’t help for several weeks though so Grandma had to watch him closely for that time. He suggested requiring him to get up and shower before breakfast and then locking the door to his room so he couldn’t get back in. He also asked if Daddy had any single friends that could invite him out to do something fun. He said he’d do this in about 2 weeks, when the drugs were working a little bit at least. Lastly, he suggested that Daddy see a psychologist on a regular basis.
Daddy actually looked relieved that there was something they could do to help him. He started to get up on his own in the mornings and take a shower. Some mornings he even changed clothes. He would still lie around most of the day watching TV and rarely spoke to Grandma or Lea but he seemed like he was slowly getting better.
Two weeks after the Doctor’s appointment he called a divorced friend of his, Tony Willow and suggested they get together. Tony suggested they meet the following Friday for a single parents dance and Daddy agreed.
