avery
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Posts: 132
Joined: June 2011
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Post by avery on Jun 19, 2011 16:44:40 GMT -5
This is the opening of my novel, "Destitute."
We met on an Internet dating service. Both of us were in something of the same boat. I was recently divorced, and so was Frank. First of all, I fell in love with his picture – his boyish good looks – and then when we spoke on the telephone, his voice won me over completely. I loved the way he said my name. “Jessica.” It was like a caress. And a voice is so important, especially in matters of the heart. For while the eyes may be the windows of the soul, a voice is certainly the breath. Fortunately, this intoxicating feeling of “this is it” “this is the one,” was deliciously mutual. The problem was we lived on opposite sides of the country. Both of us were involved in exacting professions – I as a social worker, and Frank a University Professor – so it wasn’t easy to get away. As compensation, we chatted for hours through an enchanted spring, and made plans to meet at a halfway point in June. “Reno, it is,” Frank agreed, when I suggested it. “We can gamble the nights away...that is, if we don’t find anything else to do.” I laughed at the innuendo, convinced that gambling would be the very last thing on my mind, when I was finally with my darling Frank.
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Post by martinshaw on Jun 20, 2011 14:58:34 GMT -5
Very good; do you need feedback, or are you looking for praise? Bravo anyway.
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avery
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Posts: 132
Joined: June 2011
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Post by avery on Jun 20, 2011 16:59:30 GMT -5
Thanks so much Martin.
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nova
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Post by nova on Jun 24, 2011 12:35:40 GMT -5
Can't wait to read more!
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zoe
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Posts: 106
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Post by zoe on Jun 28, 2011 2:17:39 GMT -5
I like it, but I think it needs some tightening If I'm allowed to play with it a little (not that my opinion is professional in any way!) "We met on an Internet dating service. Both of us were in something of the same boat. I was recently divorced, and so was Frank. Paragraph break First of all, I fell in love with his picture – his boyish good looks. Then we spoke on the telephone. His voice won me over completely. I loved the way he said my name. “Jessica.” It was like a caress. And a voice is so important, especially in matters of the heart. For while The eyes may be the windows of the soul, but a voice is certainly the breath."
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Post by Aberrant Fantastic on Jul 12, 2011 15:16:42 GMT -5
I like it--I'd keep reading if there were more! I'm not much of an editor, but I just have one little thingy here:
You wrote: ' “this is it” “this is the one,” '
I'd make it: ' "this is it, this is the one" ' or something similar. "This is it--this is the one!" Something like that. The punctuation there threw me off.
All in all, though, I like the tone and flow of it~
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pariah
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Posts: 107
Joined: July 2011
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Post by pariah on Jul 17, 2011 16:52:25 GMT -5
I like it, but I think it needs some tightening If I'm allowed to play with it a little (not that my opinion is professional in any way!) "We met on an Internet dating service. Both of us were in something of the same boat. I was recently divorced, and so was Frank. Paragraph break First of all, I fell in love with his picture – his boyish good looks. Then we spoke on the telephone. His voice won me over completely. I loved the way he said my name. “Jessica.” It was like a caress. And a voice is so important, especially in matters of the heart. For while The eyes may be the windows of the soul, but a voice is certainly the breath." If we are allowed to play with it then I would like to make a suggestion. I met Frank on an internet dating service and immediately fell in love with his boyish good looks. When we spoke on the phone for the first time and he said my name “Jessica” it dripped from his lips like sweet ambrosia, a simple caress that sent shivers up my spine. If the eyes are the windows to the soul then the voice is its breath and his whispered volumes… I would make an assumption that the average reader will understand that there would be a picture on his dating profile and wouldn't include it in your opening. I also wouldn't address the commonality of divorce...its small potatoes when compared to the caressing voice. I do however like it. It has such potential.
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Lily
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Post by Lily on Jul 17, 2011 16:57:58 GMT -5
Good points, pariah, and welcome. We're delighted to have you here.
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