rennie
Member
Posts: 50
Joined: June 2011
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Post by rennie on Jul 17, 2011 17:14:13 GMT -5
Where did you come from my lovely one
From a cloud on high in the noonday sky
From the center of a rose
From an angel's toes?
Bliss, bliss, it encapsulates you
Bliss, bliss, it enraptures me.
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Post by jacklawson on Jul 17, 2011 17:31:29 GMT -5
Awful. (just my opinion tho, feel free to ignore)
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pariah
Member
Posts: 107
Joined: July 2011
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Post by pariah on Jul 17, 2011 17:47:52 GMT -5
Are you looking for critique? Or just posting for the heck of it?
If it moves yo then kudos.
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Post by amylou on Jul 17, 2011 18:01:01 GMT -5
Well I admire your honesty jacklawson! At least when you critique we know where you stand. May I have a turn?
But I have to agree with our new friend Pariah, I need a little more of what you want, what you were trying to achieve or express so that we may tell you how to improve.
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rennie
Member
Posts: 50
Joined: June 2011
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Post by rennie on Jul 17, 2011 18:32:03 GMT -5
Why don't you post some of your work Jack instead of trashing somebody else's.
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Post by martinshaw on Jul 18, 2011 4:41:54 GMT -5
It's really not that bad. It starts well and I bought the rest.
Cut away the second stanza though; you blew this effort out of the water with that one.
Tally-ho! and carry on writing ( gallop gallop)
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rennie
Member
Posts: 50
Joined: June 2011
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Post by rennie on Jun 6, 2012 17:40:24 GMT -5
I've taken your advice Martin and cut out the second verse. I now have enough poems to make up an entire volume and I'm going to try and self publish on Kindle.
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