|  Author | Topic: Welcome to the Cookie Jar! (Read 818 times) |
BlueLotus
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BlueLotus
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|  | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #1 on Jan 26, 2012, 11:27pm » | |
"It's been said neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them and psychiatrists collect the rent. I wonder who they call for home repair?" IPS (Mary Shannon)
My husband and I have decided it is time for me to finish my education.
Having spent the last 4 yrs paying off his 80k student loan the thought of going back into debt freaked/freaks me out quite a lot. What would I do? Where would I go? Could I even get into a decent college at this point in my life? What about kids? Starting a family?
That one simple statement opened a flood gate within my brain. What resulted was a waterfall of fears, excitement and raw emotions from the past that I thought I had buried in a deep dark well and cemented over to be lost for all time.
I was wrong.
For three months I stalled refusing to reply to the simple kind statement of a loving supportive spouse.
Finally one night as we lay in bed listening to the gentle babbling of his 'aggressive' fish tank he said "Have you made any decisions?"
"Decisions?" I asked, I had forgotten about the back to school question he had posed months before.
"School. You know have you decided what you might want to do?"
*sigh* Now how can I tell this sweet man that I think he has lost his freaking mind? I can't go back to school. I hated school for oh so many reasons. Not the least of which had to do with the actual work mind you. But, lets face it I am not a people person. In fact on any given day I can rattle off ten reasons I think humans are parasites. Spending day after day with snotty kids with more money than brains, trying to force myself to pay attention to some old fat guy with a monotone voice would drive me to contemplate buying a large can of mace just for kicks.
I mean my philosophy on life is 'If you're going to get in trouble for hitting someone, might as will hit them hard."
So to make a long story short I got to thinking...
Why was I so afraid to commit to school again, aside from the painfully obvious?
Trust issues, every-time I have tried to do something more in my life something horrible has happened that inevitably altered the course I was on. Making me want to curl up in the fetal position and pray for a quick ending. But, that is chicken-spit. And what's worse is I know that!
Armed with this new information I decided that I would chart a plan that regardless of what happened, life altering or not I should be able to stay the course.
What I needed was a plan A, plan B and, several contingency plans.
I called the one person who might understand my neurosis better than me, my dad.
To be continued...
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BlueLotus
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #2 on Jan 27, 2012, 3:32pm » | |
Part 2:
The conversation with dad left me with mixed feelings. While dad has always said I can do anything in the world I wish, he questioned why I still felt I needed to push a plan where I would end up across the country away from my husband, working and trying to go to college (pre med is what I'm thinking about) all at the same time.
In all honesty the reasons for this are as complex and as simple as I am. Which makes little sense until you know me better. Which you can do by following the jar here! 
Growing up I was never sure what the next day would bring, my parents had a horrible relationship. I was happy when they got divorced. Even though it meant moving away and not seeing daddy much, at least the fighting would stop. (Or so I thought) not exactly how it worked out but, what ever.
My Grandparents had always been the "stable" part of our lives, I use the term loosely because at any given moment grandma could decided she no longer wished to speak with you. I remember once I spilled milk reaching for something, and she started screaming, which lead to a huge fight between all the adults.
Long story short there is a reason to cry over spilled milk sometimes. Grandparents and parents did not talk for two years. That is just one of many instances. This was my stability, my foundation. It was to say the least a tish nutty.
I married right out of high school, had a son and worked hard to get more education while holding down a full time job. By then my little brother had moved in with me, I was trying to fix him, raise my son, hold down a 15 hr a day job and go to night school. I remember thinking back them I had things pretty well together for someone who was only 19.
That blew up in my face when I found out my husband of five years was messing around. A messy divorce, custody battle and other issues within my family left me depleted, defeated, and depressed.
6 years later I met my husband, but by then I guess the damage had been done.
Everything I had every cared about has been taken away or walked out of my life. Sometimes I feel I am cursed. I joke about it, saying things like: " I must have been an axe murder in a past life." But really that's not funny. 
So here I am 30 some odd years old talking about college gripped with fear.
IF I go I want to pay for it, I don't want to rely on my husbands income. The reason is simple, what if I quite work, study full time and he decides to leave? Then I am stuck with loans etc a half done education and again I am stuck like chuck.
This sounds like a bad idea to me. Daddy thinks I'm being silly, but he also understands where I am coming from. I think he sums it up best "Once you (I) put your (my) mind to something, you (I) are so thick headed that no matter how much harder the path might be you (I) just won't take any help from anyone no matter how badly you (I) end up getting hurt in the end."
He is right. I don't ever want to depend on anyone for anything ever again. I don't want to bank on someone always being there for me, because I know well how that is not always true.
But, daddy also added "Do you think that maybe you might do things your way and push your husband into leaving? Men need to feel needed."
As the conversation ended that day I thought about what he said, maybe even cried a tear or two because I can't hide the cold hard facts that I'm frankly kind of fundamentally broken.
When hubby got home I sat him down and had a long heart to heart talk.
I detailed out what I was afraid of, why I was scared and what I was thinking about.
The conversation helped us a lot. I had not realized how harsh I am with him sometimes. I guess all this time I just chalked it up to "well that is my personality." It is amazing how well we lie to ourselves. You know?
He cried, something I have only seen twice before. Once when I broke things off with him for lying to me. And again when his little sister passed away.
So now begins the path to figuring out what I want to do and how I can make the best of both worlds. Having a family that will support me but, being hard headed and independent too.
To be continued.
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Lily
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #3 on Jan 27, 2012, 5:27pm » | |
That's a tough one, BL. On the one hand, it's the things we don't do that we regret, but on the other, you have to weigh up very carefully what the pay-off, education-wise, is likely to be. Will it have been worth all the upheaval? If you decide to go for it, it's bound to put a terrific strain on yourself and your marriage.
Good relationships are like pearls in the sand, difficult to find. But they have to be nurtured constantly, and even then there are no guarantees. Everybody changes all the time, just like everything else on the planet, therein lies the wild card. To quote an oldie but a goody: Never put all your eggs in one basket. Yet that's the very risk we must take if we're going to try to make it as part of a couple.
I know how anxiety-producing it is to embark on any kind of new venture. The rewards, however, can be worth it. I'm not saying we should throw caution to the winds and go for it, and yet, if we weighed up every single risk before we did anything -- we could get in a car accident on our way to the grocery store, etc.-- then precious little would ever be done.
In the final analysis, only you know what you really want to do, and you're the only one who can decide. My advice would be to always trust your gut reaction. Good luck with it. Just a final thought here, due to the uncertainty of life we can only trust in the moment. The past is history, the future a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why it's known as the present. 
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Richard
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #4 on Jan 28, 2012, 2:55am » | |
Jan 27, 2012, 3:32pm, BlueLotus wrote:Part 2:
When hubby got home I sat him down and had a long heart to heart talk.
I detailed out what I was afraid of, why I was scared and what I was thinking about.
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I'm kind of busy with other things right now, but I took the time to read this thread. You have revealed a lot about yourself here, and a lot of input could be offered.
I would say that the fact that you got past yourself, and opened up to your spouse, is the best thing you could have done.
If your relationship is the most important thing in your life, decide what impact your decision will have, and the necessity of the decision itself.
I wish you well.
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"Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a round room and told me to sit in a corner. Corner? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once ...." |
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Lily
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #5 on Jan 28, 2012, 1:41pm » | |
Here's some more food for thought.
Marriages need constant maintenance because we're not biologically programmed to be monogamous. Monogamy is a social concept. Our genes know nothing about happily ever after or the picket fence. It's all about reproduction.
Researchers wondered why couples worldwide went split-city so often after three years. The conclusion they reached was that this was the time allotted by our genes for conception, gestation, and the offspring on its feet and likely to survive. Then it was time to seek out a new mate in order to diversify the species. So although we may condemn those who "cheat" on their partners, they're really only doing what comes naturally.
But genes aside, is aiming for a relationship with just one person, exclusively and forever, a healthy or desirable goal?
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BlueLotus
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #6 on Jan 28, 2012, 4:08pm » | |
I have been writing about the journey as if it's happening in real time. These events happened three months ago.
I will keep updating this as I am able to inform everyone of how I got to my decision, what that decision was and with the hope that anyone thinking about going back to school for what ever reason can use even a fraction of the information to help them make their decision.
Nothing will be held back, if I cry you will know it, fail same thing.
If I succeed you will know that as well.
You will get the good the bad and the out right ugly truth. Hopefully the readers will enjoy it. If not well I tried.
So where did I leave off?
Ah yes, so I sat down at the computer and started digging out information about all types of careers.
I worked in finance, hate numbers MBA would probably be a waste of my time and money.
I worked in Health care, I liked the job on it's own, but floor politics infuriated me beyond all reason. In my opinion there are only two things that matter when it comes to patient care. 1) that the patient is well cared for and given the attention that they require to recover.
2) that at the end of the day I go home knowing I helped make a difference in someones life.
This was not the case where I worked. We were expected to cover 50 beds alone. Do the Janitors job, do the phlebotomist's jobs, do the RN's jobs, plus my own. It become so bad that at the end of the day I'd go home in tears because I knew the patients care was suffering. I was being over worked by a mile and I quit. Swearing I'd never work like that again. I can not compromise basic human rights to quality care and sleep with myself at night.
Health care is still an option but I will never work on a floor again. At lest not as a tech. They get dumped on, and well ... crap rolls down hill. It does not matter who goofed, it's the lowest guy on the pole that is going to hear about it. No I can't, strike that, I won't go there again!
If I decide to go back to care giving it will be higher up the darn pole.
So what are the options? Nursing-- OK but again we are talking floor work. While 99% of the nurses I worked with did noting but warm a seat all night there were a few that worked hard. I'd probably get pretty pissy about seat warmers. A little too much interaction with a few too many people for someone as vocal as me. Besides the schooling takes years.
I just happen to like health care a lot and long term schooling does not bother me in the least. Paying for it however... well that's a horse of a different color. I decided to explore other areas of interest before investigating that road much further.
What else is there? I need something that will allow me time to work, study and write my novel.
Hmm... Well there is Law. I looked at what it takes to get into law school. My SAT scores were good, but not Harvard good! I talked to some lawyers just out of school. Many of them are 100K in debt and just breaking even with their bills not counting paying down their student loans. After some serious thought and a lot of digging I decided that while I would enjoy fighting for peoples rights etc that it probably won't pay the bills for quite some time. maybe not the best of plans short term plans.
I love science. My plan from the time I was old enough to speak was to become a Marine Research Biologist. Having had heart surgery at age 14 limited my options in the field quite a bit. But, I did not give up taking every AP science class I could get into. Then when I had my son I was told that while I was "safe" as far as my heart was concerned I also was suffering form the damage done by having lived for so long with a heart that was three times the normal size.
I would never be dive, or be middle of the ocean worthy. My dreams had evaporated over night. I got depressed. Life is not fair, nothing new there.
So what can I do in science? Well I could teach. Not really my thing and the pay sucks unless you work in a university but I could work with it.
Law enforcement is another route I wanted to look into. Not foot chasing, guns a blazing with bad guys. But maybe lab work, DNA testing things along those lines. I could get into that. I looked for classes, weighing cost vs job openings as well as time to train.
Long story short the classes were hard to find. The cost was outrageous, and I'd only be able to work in a few places, if we moved it would mean risking being out of work for long periods of time. I'm not so much into that last idea, the rest I could deal with.
So now that brings us back to health care, or teaching. I looked at what it would take to become a teacher as well as paths in health care.
Finally I set down hubby and told him what I was thinking.
With my love of science, and helping people, but my inability to be nice at all times I think teaching might lead to more problems that it would solve in the long run.
OK so that leaves health care. Again I want something with as little interaction with large amounts of people as I can get. Something where I can deal with smaller groups of people at a time, not have to run for 12 hrs straight because of my heart and something that will present me with new and interesting things to solve.
Nursing does most of these, save for the large numbers of people. What other paths are there?
I called up a medical school and talked with an admissions adviser about the field. What can one do with the restraints I have set, things of that nature?
I was informed that they offer Research training at the PHD level, as well as hosting of the top 50 schools for MD training. Sweet. I'm liking this better by the moment.
So now I'm thinking about cost, again, I do not want my husband to foot the bill. So now I need an entry plan.
To be continued.
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Lily
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #7 on Jan 28, 2012, 5:34pm » | |
I see you have a new avatar, Richard. I like it.
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BlueLotus
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #8 on Jan 28, 2012, 6:29pm » | |
Oh that reminds me Lily, My avatar is MIA. Any ideas?
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Lily
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #9 on Jan 28, 2012, 7:57pm » | |
Jan 28, 2012, 6:29pm, BlueLotus wrote:| Oh that reminds me Lily, My avatar is MIA. Any ideas? |
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That's odd. It's displaying fine in Firefox and Chrome, but not in Internet Explorer. Hmmm.... Do you have"loading images" turned off? In Tools > Internet Options, look at the advanced tab under the "multimedia" section and see if "show pictures" is checked.
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BlueLotus
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #10 on Jan 28, 2012, 10:21pm » | |
Yes it is checked. I'm the only one who uses this pc, I have not changed anything... very odd indeed. 
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BlueLotus
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #11 on Jan 28, 2012, 10:23pm » | |
ROFL now it's working. Go figure. I think my PC is about to die on me or something it's always giving me troubles of some sort.
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Lily
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #12 on Jan 28, 2012, 10:24pm » | |
Okay, BL. I uploaded your avatar to Imageshack and reposted it on the forum. It's now displaying in IE. Keep your fingers crossed.
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Lily
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #13 on Jan 28, 2012, 10:25pm » | |
Jan 28, 2012, 10:23pm, BlueLotus wrote:| ROFL now it's working. Go figure. I think my PC is about to die on me or something it's always giving me troubles of some sort. |
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I think the glitch lay with IE, because it displayed just fine on the other browsers.
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BlueLotus
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| | Re: Welcome to the Cookie Jar!
« Reply #14 on Jan 28, 2012, 10:27pm » | |
K well thanks, IDK if my pc stopped being rude or if what you were doing fixed it but it's fine now so Thank You!!!
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